Take a bunch of people trying to forget the last 365 days of their lives, add a dash of social pressure to find that special someone to share a midnight kiss with, toss in a gratuitous amount of alcohol, and it’ll make even the most extroverted person think taking the cloth and a vow of silence is an awesome idea. Add in the recent pushback against this time of debauchery and going out, and getting shitfaced in a club on bottle service takes a back seat to Netflix and fondue.
Going out on New Year’s Eve is an opportunity to have fun, but as with most things in life, you cannot plan it last-minute. It takes some thought and the right people to make it fun, and there are a few things that you can do to make sure you have a fantastic time and not realize that King Julien has his own special on Netflix.
1. Stay Away From The Clubs
Clubs have a way of reeling in poor saps with promises of free drinks, food, and a champagne toast. However, the thing they don’t tell you is that the lines will be so long that in the five hours you’re there, you’ll spend 4.25 hours waiting for the three total drinks of cheap beer or well whiskey. If you do New Year’s Eve right, you’ll have too much fun to go wait in line for a half of a glass of Andre. Oh, and the food will be gone before you even get there — a fact everyone notices and the face of visible sadness that passes over every person’s face as he or she realizes this might just be the saddest thing in western civilization. Instead, find a few bars that you normally would go to on a Wednesday when there isn’t shit going on. Make that your home base. Go there early. Find a table and sit at that table roughly from the hours of 8 p.m. to 2 a.m. Get drunk. Go home.
Relive your college days and plan a pregame. Meet up at a friend’s place to begin the evening. Hang out, play beer pong, and pretend you’re really grown up and refined by sipping some cheap scotch and smoking flaming dog turds, which I lovingly refer to as cigars. Do whatever your licentious heart desires (licentious means degenerate for those of you not yet reading at a middle school level). While you might not go to some expensive club or private party, drinks can be expensive and that money is better used going into your measly 401(k).
3. Don’t Expect To Get Laid
Everyone has that friend (guy or girl) who, regardless of how much fun you’re having, looks for whatever living thing is willing to sleep with him or her. This needs to stop, but this tends to get worse with the whole New Year’s kiss thing, and it’s compounded by the fact that part of your friend’s resolution is to make this year better than last year. Somehow, part of that is defined by the number of people he or she drunkenly engages in coitus with. We all know these people, and if you find yourself saying, “Hey, Alex, none of my friends are sex-crazed perverts,” then I have some bad news for you…
4. Have A Fucking Fantastic Time
Ideally, the previous steps have helped to minimize the number of annoying jackwagons and those who would cause you to sympathize with a nomad’s solitary life. Should those few douches wearing glittery shirts and flexing every time they catch their reflection in the bar mirror manage to not all be corralled into the clubs, don’t worry. Have some drinks and make jokes about how small their balls must be due to all the steroids. Around 11, find a member of the opposite sex (or same, I’m not one to judge) and get to know him or her. Once midnight rolls around, the two of you might partake in the tradition of playing tonsil hockey to ring in the new year. If this person isn’t down, do what I do: find a drink and romantically enjoy that. In my experience, a whiskey coke tends to taste better than the mouth of someone who has been drinking all night. If the kiss doesn’t happen, oh well. Go home and fall into a blissful drunken slumber after reflecting on the fun time you had.
New Year’s Eve is all about bidding farewell to the last year and welcoming in the new one. Don’t let a few (okay, really there are a lot of them) douchebags make you stay home and watch Ryan Seacrest. Go out and ring in the new year like you want to spend it: drunk with good friends..