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If You Think About It, Girls Really Slut It Up At The Gynecologist

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Guys, I’m going to be honest with you. In the grand scheme of vagina life, you all get the short stick (so many puns, I’m so sorry). If you ever think you’re getting Grade A quality vag, like even once, you’re probably wrong. I’m not saying that you’re diving into some toxic puddle of sewage every time you’re five vodka tonics in (although how cool would it be if it were something out of a Marvel comic and you pulled out a Super Dick? Right?). I’m just saying that girls prioritize the way shit’s kept up down there, and chances are you’re not priority numero uno. There’s one person who gets quality vag from me — though I shouldn’t care considering their T/D ratio (that’s Twat/Day for those of you playing at home)—and that’s my gynecologist. And if you think about it, I really whore it up in there (“there” being the doctor’s office, not my vag. You sickos).

1. It’s the only time I’m more comfortable with a lady, instead of a man, all up inside of me. Obviously, this is completely up to you and what you prefer both in the bedroom and in the stirrups, but, I assure you, many women prefer having a lady lady doctor to a man lady doctor. Weird, right? You should all know we’re crazy by now, and if you didn’t, here’s proof!

2. When I go to the lady doctor I’m as hairless down there as I was when I was but a prepubescent child. If I’m going to make a goddamned van Gogh down there, it’s for two reasons: my lady doctor appointments and rare occasions of imminent penetration before the comfort phase kicks in. I put so much concentration into the masterpiece below that if I had put half as much concentration into my finals, I would have graduated summa cum laude, and wouldn’t have needed half the Adderall.

3. I’m more concerned about your parts going in when I’m at the lady doctor than when your parts are actually going in. That’s really weird to think about, but if you’re doing it right, I should be at least a little turned on when your P and my V rendezvous, and thinking more with my hormones than with my brain. It’s not until my legs are spread in front of this quasi-stranger that I realize something else could’ve rode in on the Peen Express. There’s a lot of sobering thoughts going on while you’re staring up at the ceiling being violated.

4. The first things you do at the gynecologist are walk in, strip naked, and spread eagle your shit. The doctor isn’t even in the room yet. You just lay there in silence and wait. That’s how you welcome your doctor! Porn writers have dreamt up more elegant introductions. How many times does that happen with a boy? Like, twice? Maybe. And most likely that time you tried to be hot/seductive/sexy for your significant other ended with them being an asshole and saying they wanted to watch NFL Sunday Ticket or HBO instead. Never again.

5. You are completely surprised by what manages to get shoved up in there. It’s like Inspector Gadget just came all up inside you and, surprisingly, you don’t really feel a thing. I’m sure that’s why Inspector Gadget is single, but can we just take a second to appreciate female genitalia for a moment? Thank you.

6. It’s the closest to a threesome I’m ever going to get. Ever. Sorry to be a dream ruiner or whatever. Me, my lady lady doctor, and her lady lady doctor assistant. Shoving lube and shit up in there and me just staring up at the ceiling. Let your imaginations soar.

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lnsayers

My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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