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How To Cope After Being Falsely Accused Of Being A Hipster

Coping With False Hipster Allegations

Hipsters: you know them, you hate them. You can spot them from a mile away. Or, if you’re in Williamsburg, you can spot them from inches away at probably every angle. Recently, I was accused of being a hipster via Twitter by a nonthreatening friend and follower. He meant no harm, so I let it go and never thought about it again. What? No. I slightly overreacted. Okay, okay, fineeeeee. I freaked the fuck out. “Was he right?” I wondered. “Am I a hipster?” Please, God, don’t let it be true!

I decided to get on the fast track to self-discovery (AKA the Brooklyn-bound L train). I found a coffee shop in Williamsburg and ordered some sugary soy milk nonsense titled “special of the day.” I sat down, opened my laptop, and pretended to “work on my screenplay,” so I would remain inconspicuous. I couldn’t blow my cover — this was serious business. A few minutes and a few studies on nearby human subjects later, I got all of the answers I was looking for.

Answer one: I’m not a hipster, goddammit! Hipsters are just STEALING things that REGULAR people like and are making them CLICHÉ. The general public now associates some of the things that I love with “being a hipster,” which leads to them labeling me exactly that. I don’t want to be labeled by the general public, mostly because my MOTHER tells me I’m UNIQUE. Whatever, my idiot guy friends feel the same, which is why the following lists are for both genders. Hipsters, give us our shit back.

Things hipsters need to stop liking so the general public can enjoy them again:

∙Whiskey
∙Plaid
∙Tattoos
∙Beards
∙Ray Bans
∙Skinny Jeans
∙The Color Black
∙Coffee
∙Hair Buns
∙Irony
∙Microbreweries
∙Vinyl

Answer two: Hipsters are damn thieves! In stealing the things I love dearly, they accidentally stole things that regular people never liked in the first place. Suckers! You can keep dat shit. You look like a dumbass and you don’t even know it, but we don’t want it back. Boom.

Things hipsters stole but please keep because you look ridiculous:

∙Fedoras
∙Typewriters
∙Weird Mustaches
∙Thick-Rimmed Glasses
∙Cat Loving
∙Deep Vs
∙Suspenders

Answer three: Our current pleasures are endangered. Like a klepto in a thrift shop, hipsters can’t resist taking what isn’t theirs. They are stalking our trends, just waiting for their opportunity to swoop in and make them cliché. We must take action to prevent this.

Things hipsters will inevitably take but please don’t:

∙Eggs Benedict
∙Food Trucks
∙Tea
∙Wing-Tip Shoes
∙Comedy (as a whole)
∙Wine

Do you see what I mean? I can’t be a hipster. I liked those things before they were cool.

Image via Shutterstock

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dannugget

Genius. Billionaire. Playboy. Philanthropist.

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