If you visit St. Louis, you’ll be told two things: 1. Don’t go anywhere downtown more than a block from the ballpark, up north (literally Ferguson) or in Illinois, and 2. Go get some IMO’s Pizza! You are then required to pretend that you totally can’t wait to get some IMO’s and look forward to an exciting culinary experience that amounts to eating room temperature ketchup on an off-brand cracker. I’m not even talking about Saltines. I’m talking about Zesta. Gross!
So I was shocked to quite shocked when this so-called “Tasting Table” website named Imo’s Pizza as one of the best pizza spots in the country.
Here’s what they had to say:
We’re talking about the famous Imo’s, which slings Saint Louis-style pizza, with its thin, crispy crust and Provel® cheese. Unlike most other styles, the Saint Louis version swaps yeast for baking powder in its crust, which yields a cracker-like consistency reminiscent of saltines in the best way possible. The Provel cheese—a processed blend of cheddar, provolone and Swiss cheeses known for its incomparable gooeyness—is the other signature component.
The way they describe Provel cheese is hilarious. Like it’s some kind of hidden treasure artisan cheese that the Midwest has been hiding from the world for decades. Provel cheese is basically provolone flavored Velveeta. It’s plastic cheese that turns hard as a rock if not consumed within 20 minutes. It’s delicious, but I’m pretty sure the stuff is responsible for roughly 75% of colorectal cancers in Eastern Missouri.
I went to school at Mizzou, and easily the most inconvenient, overblown and annoying thing that has ever happened at that school were St. Louis kids forcing IMO’s onto unsuspecting victims like myself without any sort of trigger warning. I still find any pizza whose crust is less than half an inch in depth very problematic. Pizza is my Safe Space™ and if you try to make me try new things or present different opinions of my own, then fuck you.
I honestly thought IMO’s was a joke when my St. Louis friends made me try it the first time. You know like how some South American jungle tribes put on gloves full of bullet ants in order to prove their loyalty and become a man and whatnot? I thought that’s why St. Louisians (Lousians? Louisons? Lunatics?) loved it so much. Like it was their version of self-flagellation to celebrate their hometown, because already living there wasn’t torture enough. Or maybe it was them enjoying watching their friends squirm as they shoveled down square after square of nonsense.
Who knows how much IMO’s paid Tasting Table to publish this nonsense, but for me, my opinion is not* for sale. IMO’s is trash pizza. If you’re ever in Missouri, don’t fall for this trick. Don’t get fooled..
*is 100% for sale
[via Tasting Table]
Image via FewdFinds / YouTube