There are two types people in this world: people who eat candy, and schmucks. Candy is like porn in that it’s for everyone, and even if most of it isn’t your thing, you can always find at least something in your little sibling’s Halloween pillowcase to steal and enjoy. And while I don’t trust anyone who isn’t on #TeamCandy, it also doesn’t mean I won’t judge you for your favorite candy preferences either.
A company called Influenster (kind of a douche name, IMO) surveyed more than 40,000 people across the US to find out each state’s favorite candy. The results are, ummm, interesting.
I’m not going to pick on each state, but what I am going to do is break down each of the PGP team’s states they either grew up in or live in now (arbitrarily chosen).
And before we get to that, here are my top 5 candies, don’t at me:
4. Almond Joy
3. Baby Ruth
2. Peanut M&M
Texas (Dave, Kyle, Icehouse, BBisgard45); Tennessee (The Recruitment Chair) – Candy Corn
ROUGH look for the Lone Star state. Fucking candy corn? To use a phrase that died years ago: that’s some poor people shit. Maybe all the voters have been influenced by the Halloween season, but come on Texas, refine your palate for me, one time. Same to you, Tennessee.
Michigan (Will); Oklahoma (Taylor) – M&Ms
Simple and steady. Nothing flashy or showy, just a lunch pale and hard hat kind of candy for true American people. I’d hope to God though it’s not the regular kind all the time. You’ve gotta mix it up. Peanut M&Ms are the GOAT, but don’t forget about crispy M&Ms. Criminally underrated. Rumor has it Michael Moore is cooking up a documentary about crispy M&Ms.
West Virginia (Madoff) – Oreos
Hahaha, West Virginia living up to the stereotypes of not being learned good. Oreos aren’t candy plain and simple. Cookies and candies are completely different food groups, and take up completely different shelves in your stomach. Fuckin’ idiots. Never change, WV, never change.
California (Hickey, Best, Rory Gilmore) – Life Savers
Chalk this one up to the Hippies I guess. But seriously, a sucky candy? They’re the worst. Much like Werthers (shockingly not number 1 in Florida), you end up biting into Life Savers much too soon and they get stuck in your teeth all day. Terrible pick, Cali. Just terrible.
Delaware (Shibby) – 3 Musketeers
Fuckin’ nougat? Just straight up nougat. Wow. Remind me to never go to Delaware. Why don’t you add peanuts and caramel to make it a real candy bar, huh? Which takes me to…
Illinois (Nick_Arcadia, CashBack, Heavy Metal Krist) – Snickers
Everything’s coming up Illinois! You got the Cubbies, and now you got one of the better overall showings in this survey. Nothing snarky to say about Illinois. Well done, gents.
Georgia (5OClockShadow) – Pixy Stix
*Swaggy P meme* What in the actual fuck? Out of all the glorious candies on this here bountiful planet earth and frickin’ Georgia has to go and pick Pixy Stix. See, this is why Georgia can’t have nice things. All our southern friends going around railing lines of Pixy Stix. SMH.
Virginia (Delph); Connecticut (Post Grad Brad) – Reese’s Pieces
Underrated pick. I used to dump these on top of frozen yogurt back in school when I was drunk. My one main beef with Reese’s Pieces is that they needed to diversify their colors. Couldn’t have picked a worse candy color scheme to roll with than brown, yellow, and orange. Woof.
Massachusetts (Boston Max, 2NotBrokeGirls); Maine (Cush) – Starburst
Looks like little brother Maine copying big brother Massachusetts once again. But I have to say, awful job here by the Bay State being a role model for the rest of New England. They look to us to set the tone and we roll with Starburst? That’s beneath us. We need to be ritzy. Need to be seen with Ferrero Rocher or Toblerone (I see you, Arizona). Just expect so much more from the most educated state..
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