There’s a TV in our office that plays ESPN all day. I’m not one to complain about watching SportsCenter all day, no matter how terrible it has become. What I will complain about is the god awful jewelry store ads that bombard my eyes during every commercial break. The sound is muted, but I can only imagine the atrocities being spoken by the actors. I despise jewelry store commercial actors. We get it, you didn’t let that studio exec take advantage of you in the back of a limo two years ago, so now you’re forced to cut Bollywood-quality commercials for $500 bucks a pop. Or maybe you did let that ad exec take advantage of you in the back of a limo two years ago and you live in the most depressing existence I can even imagine.
If you buy your engagement ring, perhaps the biggest purchase you might ever make in your life outside of a house, at a chain jewelry store…
You’re a real original, you are. You just bought the symbol of your love for your fiancée at the jewelry store equivalent of Denny’s. Not to mention, your wife will be wearing a diamond that is figuratively stained with the blood of thousands of African child soldiers. Get creative. I bet you even proposed at the ballpark.
But back to these godforsaken commercials that are so void of creativity and originality that they rival CBS’s original programming. I use the term “original” loosely there. Not only are they horribly unoriginal and bland, they’re completely unrealistic. Several times a day, I have to refrain from exclaiming “Oh, bullshit!” whenever one of these commercials graces one of the office TVs. Every single one of them has a glaring flaw, and it’s staring me right in the face. We’ve been so desensitized by their awfulness that it might be tough to see with the naked eye.
Offender: Jared: The Galleria of Jewelry
Scenario: Marriage Proposal
The Flaw: Proposing on a plane? That’s a bold move, kimosabe. You must be 100% sure that your gf is gonna say yes, or else you are in for one miserable flight. She says no and you’re gonna find yourself willing to do anything to be sitting in between the two rather hefty fellows in the back of the plane.
And where EXACTLY are you flying to that made it so this proposal couldn’t wait? Syria? Detroit? Whatever country Bruce Wayne was in prison in at the beginning of Batman Begins? “Hey, honey. I just wanted to get this out of the way before we landed. I know you’re sitting on a cloth seat that’s full of other people’s farts and I know I have the worst case of muggy travel crotch right now, but I just wanted to ask you if you’d like to spend the rest of your life with me.” Cue the orchestra.
Then, the flight attendant has the balls to get on the intercom and tell everyone where this guy bought his shitty engagement ring. In real life, she’d be telling this idiot to get back into his seat and fasten his seatbelt unless he’s planning on going to the bathroom or being tased by an air marshall. Speaking of bathroom, you just proposed to your girlfriend in a speeding metal tube that’s full of human waste and people stank. I can’t think of a more unromantic place than an airplane.
The worst case scenario here is that she says no. He is the most embarrassing/embarrassed human being on the planet. As a result of the devastation, he goes apeshit, kills the sky marshall on board and starts breaking windows in an attempt to depressurize the cabin and kill everyone on board the plane. Security at airports nationwide tightens, the TSA gets a 100% funding increase, effectively raising taxes, all because this asshole couldn’t wait to get off the plane to propose.
Log Cabin Storm
Offender: Kay Jewelers
Location: A murdery log cabin in the middle of nowhere
Scenario: I have no idea. Vacation?
The Flaw: Okay, so we’ve got a pretty romantic scenario on our hands here. This guy and his lady are all alone in a log cabin out in the wilderness somewhere. The storm rages on outside, while they sit in the warmth and safety of the cabin. What a metaphor. A loud crack of lightning and she jumps into his arms, where he’s waiting for her with a $99 necklace. I don’t know what’s more romantic, that or the “It was never over” scene from The Notebook.
“Surround her with the strength of your love…” because emotional and undying support don’t mean shit unless you buy her this $200 piece of overpriced scrap metal.
Here’s the real flaw: if this guy really cared about this woman that much, he wouldn’t be letting her stand next to a gigantic wall made out of glass while a violent storm is going on outside. It’s all romance until a tree branch comes crashing through the window and kills them both. That, or this is an elaborate long-con by this guy that inevitably ends with him murdering her when she leaves him for a less needy, less murdery, less attached, normal human. Of course, the aftermath of the breakup would lead to the bloodiest Lifetime original movie in recorded human history.
Offender: Kay Jewelers, again
Location: Backyard of the house that the ex-husband is paying for
Scenario: Weird dude is about to marry little girl’s mom
The Flaw: Where to begin? How about this adult man is giving a small child a very expensive piece of jewelry? How about the assumption that the only way to gain a woman’s love and trust is by giving her mediocre jewelry? Why is he on the swingset? Her estranged father’s alimony payments paid for that swingset. But maybe the best part of this whole thing is that this guy is just like, “Man, this kid hates me. She subconsciously knows that I’m banging her mom even though she doesn’t really understand the concept of sex.”
“Behind every open heart is a story.” You’re damn right there is. A damn bloody, disgusting story. In the end, this guy is just a huge asshole, trying to persuade this child to love him with a necklace. Be more shallow, guy. Obviously, the backstory on the girl’s dad isn’t there. Maybe he was just a deadbeat dad and skipped town. Maybe he died tragically. Maybe mom was a career woman and got artificially inseminated because she couldn’t balance her tough work life with finding a man to give her a child. But since this commercial makes sweeping generalizations about women, I’ll make one of my own:
The mother got busted cheating on her husband because all women are dirty, loose harlots. She got the house, the money and the kid in the divorce. The dad got an apartment and $3,000/month alimony payments. Now, she’s getting married to some reality TV producer who believes the only way to gain her daughter’s trust is with a gift that’s way too expensive for a kid her age.