Online dating is hard. It brings out all of our insecurities as we must settle on a few photos that we feel have us looking our best for potential suitors.
If looks were my thing I wouldn’t be using a dating app, would I?
Good looking people who ‘struggle’ in the dating game need to get the fuck out of here. We all know damn well your inbox is flooded with matches. There should be a separate app that you apply to be a part of. Put all the 8s and above over there to weed them out of the trenches for the rest of us who really need this.
In my opinion, online dating is all about the bio. This is where matches are won and lost for the common folk. If you’re able to make yourself stand apart from the crowd, you just might make it out there after all.
This is where I’ve seen ladies go wrong with their dating profile:
‘Looking for something real’
Try not wearing makeup and using FaceTune before taking your next selfie in the mirror if you want to see something real.
‘No hook ups’
The only real question is, “Are we going to end up at your place or mine?”
Your Height: ‘Must be 6’ or taller’
Stop beating around the bush and just ask me for a dick pic already.
Her Height: ‘Good things come in small packages’
Son of a bitch, stole my line.
What does this even mean? Does the bar start playing this song when you walk in? Are you going to turn this on in the bedroom later?
Please don’t be “Closer” by The Chainsmokers. Please don’t be “Closer” by The Chainsmokers. Please don’t be “Closer” by The Chainsmokers. Please don’t be “Closer” by The Chainsmokers.
Hitler is dead and the crusades are over; we don’t need symbols of our religious beliefs in our online dating profiles.
If I wanted a “girls-guy,” I’d be playing for the other team.
‘Not your typical girl’
You definitely have a hard drive full of every conversation you’ve ever had with an ex in preparation to one day ruin their lives.
50/50 chance there is a restraining order attached to your record.
‘Looking for someone to explore with’
I’m searching for woman within a few mile radius of my current location. That should tell you just how far I am willing to explore with you.
The first sign of a kid and we’re out. It’s a risk not worth taking. Most guys aren’t as committed as I to scroll to your profile only to find out that little bundle of joy isn’t yours.
I’m looking to take you out for Twofers and half off apps on our first date; do you really think I need the financial burden of a kid on my plate?
I’m sorry, I thought this was America.
The more I think about it, most of my dates go downhill as soon as the conversation begins. Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea?
We’re just a Rosetta Stone purchase away from understanding just how little we both have in common.
‘Ready to move on from a bad experience…’
You’re praying that you come across an acquaintance of your ex in hopes that they will tell them you’re putting yourself out there again. Also, you will match with his best friend and sleep with him.
Pizza is the new bacon. It’s a given we all love these things. You don’t need 100 pizza emojis to solidify this notion.
Take an original stance for me one time.
If your five best pictures you selected weren’t enough for a right swipe, what makes you think another 800 will change my mind?
‘Girl in the Big City’
Thank you, Google Maps, for breaking the news to me that you are indeed a girl living in the city where we matched.
Talk about a spoiler into your fantasy fetish.
Marilyn Monroe / Sex and the City quote
Insert the “hands up” preach sister emoji following up this killer quote and you’re all set.
As for me, I keep it clean and simple:
Clear eyes, hit heart, can’t lose.
A little pop culture mashup can go a long way. Then again, my accounts are still active; so what do I really know?
Sup, ladies? .
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