Hate to break it to you fellow millennial (buzzword), but remember back when you said, “Ugh I thought I graduated high school” after people pissed you off in college? Well it gets worse when you hit the real world. Yes, I’m still unemployed and I’m talking down to you, but dealing with real life people will be the bane of our existence. In high school, people are trying to impress other people and freak out when it goes awry. In college, people are figuring out who they are, but afterward? There’s no hope for evolution, so weird ass dude who hangs out at the local record store on his Moped will always be that guy.
So I decided to start a column on helping you, the postgrad, not be a douchebag. You are reaching the end of the road, but you can’t be that douchebag at the office. Instead of using generic code words (that guy who calls any advancement in technology “Orwellian”), I’ll just use real life celebrities because TOTES RELATABLE. Let’s start off with this mammoth douchebag.
Douchebag In Question: Adam Levine
Occupation: Lead singer of pop band that thinks it’s a transformative movement, Maroon 5.
Real Life Equivalent: Just by what Maroon 5 does, what Adam Levine says and how he looks, I feel I can accurately stereotype him because he’s not as multi-dimensional as he thinks he is. Adam Levine is the douchebag that thinks he’s the wisest fucking person in the office, makes horrible snide remarks about society and clearly was a philosophy major (hence why he’s in an office job ZING). In reality, he’s just some guy who listened to Kid A by Radiohead a few years too late and decries everything fucking trendy while succumbing to everything. “Oh, you know Apple employees commit suicide every ten seconds?” *whips out iPhone as the only person to use the Tumblr app*
He also looks like every foreign 3-point specialist in the NBA.
Their Claimed Interests: Vampire Weekend, ancient Middle Eastern spiritual practices, Bonnaroo, Noam Chomsky and Socrates.
Their Actual Interests: Drinking cheap beer, secretly listening to “Hold On We’re Going Home” because it equates to their love life. Their biggest sense of culture was visiting Norway in EPCOT’s World Showcase.
How They Are More Successful Than You: The phony-starving-artist-types always get by in life, it seems. You know why? Because they actually have an occupation and made their way up the ladder so they aren’t starving artists. They always seem to be dating beautiful women, at least according to any black-and-white picture they have on social media (“It’s artsy, I liked it BEFORE the Single Ladies video”) with a significant other.
Other Fun Facts: Will always get a promotion over you and everyone will hate it. Claims to be one of the catalysts of the Occupy Movement. Always plays an acoustic guitar version at the local park and that song is always “Under the Bridge.” Smells like chlamydia.