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A White Girl’s CIA Job Application

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Name: Alexis Henderson

Age: 24

Gender: Female

Height: 5’10’’

1. Are you a US Citizen?

Yes.

2. Describe your current educational and employment status:

I graduated from an amaaaaaze university in four years. I majored in Strategic Communications and minored in Business. I’m currently working for a small boutique ad agency. But I would basically drop that like it’s hot for a life of clandestine glamour and intrigue. Or a show on Bravo.

3. Your applicable experiences include (list all that apply):

– I am a very experienced sleuth. It’s my true passion. My specialty involves a simultaneous infiltration and analysis of a person’s (or my ex-boyfriend’s) Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube, Instagram, and Gmail/Google+ accounts. I haven’t yet met a privacy setting that I can’t circumvent.

– I am also really great at using code words to secretly talk about people or situations.

– I can operate a telephoto lens.

– I am CPR certified.

– I am a Victoria’s Secret Angel cardholder.

– I have been to a ton of fraternity formals so I can totally handle myself in a dress and heels while talking to a lot of randos. I’d be a natural at embassy parties, foreign opera performances, etc.

– I am really observant. I know that you wore that same outfit last week. And I always watch who gets on my plane. #firstclass

– I’ve watched the entire series of “Burn Notice,” and I already have my DVR set to record the next season of “The Americans.”

4. What are 5 things that you would bring with you on a mission?

Leggings, my Clarisonic, mascara, a hot glue gun, and wait, can we bring weapons? If so I’d go with a gun for sure. Maybe pink? Or maybe like Michael Kors? If we’re not allowed to have weapons, my fifth item would be Greek yogurt.

5. Do you consider yourself a patriot?

Definitely. I own at least 12 pieces of clothing depicting the American flag. I also have an American flag bikini.

6. Who is your favorite president?

Wow, tough question! I am a fan of Abraham Lincoln. Not only is he from my home state of Illinois, but he also freed the slaves. And he was a Republican. I feel like a lot of people today forget that. I am also really into Teddy Roosevelt because he, like, rode a moose. Do you know how seriously large moose are?! Lastly, I really admire George W. Bush. I try to live my life by the tenets of “strategery” and “trust, but verify.”

7. Have you ever been out of the country?

OMG YES. I studied abroad in Germany!! It was amazing/life changing. I can’t wait to tell you about my experience in the next two questions/for the rest of your natural life! I also got the worst sunburn of my life on a beach outside of Barcelona, Spain!!

8. Do you speak any foreign languages?

Well, like I said, I studied abroad in Germany so I can speak some pretty kick-ass intermediate German. However, my German accent is my true forte. For example, during my sorority’s recruitment skit, I always played like, this German man. LOL. I got really into character and just went to that place, you know? I really tapped into the spirit of my German ancestors. Needless to say, it was a huge hit. Oh! I can also order wine in French and Spanish. And I think it kind of goes without saying, but, since I am that successful with a German accent, my Russian one is pretty great as well. DASVIDANIYA.

9. What was a challenge in your life and how did you overcome it or learn from it?

My liver and I went through a really tough time when I studied abroad in Germany. I was at this German’s birthday party and I ended up drinking basically a Molotov cocktail of vodka, champagne, Kirsch, some fake American whiskey, gin, red wine, white wine, and orange juice. I LITERALLY puked my guts out that night. This was really challenging for me because I wasn’t able to keep up with the Germans, and as an American, that was pretty deflating. Basically, my supposed superior alcohol filtration and metabolism was a lie. I had been living a lie. I crawled out of the bathroom and attended brunch the next day. I cracked open a bottle of Sambuca later that evening and if that isn’t perseverance, I don’t know what is.

10. Describe yourself in 3 words.

Loyal, creative, a literal genius.

11. Do you think you are capable of protecting sensitive intelligence information?

Oh for sure. To this day, I have still never told anyone about my college roommate, Katie, who was having a secret affair with a certain mid-40s, married, congressman from California. Also, Edward Snowden is a huge douche and I’d never do that to my country. Like, ever.

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