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A Caffeine And Vyvanse Induced Rant About Windows 8

Fake_Windows_8_Start

Windows 8, I fucking hate you. Ever since we upgraded, I’ve wanted to smash these computers Office Space style. You are the crack-baby offspring of Steve Ballmer’s failed attempt to compete with Apple.

I can’t go to a traditional start menu, I have to go to this stupid fucking screen, totally separate from the desktop, with stupid fucking squares designed for a stupid fucking touchscreen that no one will fucking use because why the fuck would they touch something on the screen just to switch back to the keyboard once the program is open? The “Keep It Simple Stupid” principle must be lost on you dumbshits, which is why Apple is eating your market share like a fat kid at a grocery store free sample tray. And to have the privilege to access this super fucking cool fucking updated start menu from the desktop, I have to drag my mouse to a magical invisible fucking spot on the edge of the screen until a menu pops up. What kind of monkeys do you have designing this shit?

Let’s not forget that Microsoft Office is now a fucking subscription service for basically the same shit that we bought outright for earlier versions of Windows. We just used the Microsoft Office 2010 installation disk, so you can kiss my ass. And all this other advertising for up-selling shit that I could get as freeware is retarded. Do you even make any significant revenue off your software up-sells? Probably not, which is why you have to pop-up the fucking advertisement every time I log on. My Macbook doesn’t need expensive antivirus software, why does Windows? Because you fucking blow. The company’s Comcast account provides free Norton anti-virus anyway, so fuck McAfee.

Why the fuck did we even bother to upgrade when Windows 8 is just Windows 7 wearing too much fucking makeup? I’m waiting for the first blue screen of death so I can throw this shit off a fucking bridge and we can upgrade to a Mac Desktop and I can get some fucking work done.

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5OClockShadow

"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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