Let’s face it – your job title probably ends in some variation of the word “bitch,” and that’s perfectly fine. You’re young(ish), and you have plenty of time left to contribute something meaningful to the professional world. Even though there’s probably more than one species of primate that could perform your current job adequately, or better than you, you still have the potential to someday become a CEO or someone with legit clout. Someday you’ll command respect while you’re blasting Stogies at Augusta, or at least your hometown’s goat-pasture Muni.
You should be thankful, because not all jobs afford you this kind of skeptic optimism for the future. With some careers, even if you reach the pinnacle of success within them, you’ll still get shit on by everyone you know. It’s the kind of job where you say, “Hey, I’m literally the best ______ in the world,” and the only response you hear is “Yeah, but you’re still a fucking _____.” Below are some of these jobs.
This is the guy or girl who started bartending in high school/college, and it was awesome for a while. Let’s call him Chad. Chances are, Chad made quite a bit more money every summer than you did at Subway or CVS. His job was also way more fun, and far less humiliating than when your friends came to visit you at your shitty job. After college, he just sort of kept doing it until everyone accepted it. Occasionally, he would hook you up with a free drink. People helping people.
Now, he’s the head bartender at a swanky steakhouse chain and has become an insufferable douche bag. This guy needs a reality check, and you need to provide it. Next time you see him, ask him what’s new with the Server’s Union. When he offers to get the tab, decline and remind him that he’s always just one horny, over-served cougar away from a lawsuit and unemployment. As you walk away, remark that wearing a vest at work is only impressive when worn under a tailored suit and crushing deals, not thrown together with Dickies pants and a Costco button-up. Nice bowtie, dumb ass.
2. Car Salesman
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The perception of the car industry has come a long way in the last couple decades, and it’s no longer the dreaded hassle it once was. I recently custom ordered a new truck (humble brag), and the process was so simple and transparent, my ass barely even hurt driving it home.
However, the perception of the car salesman has not evolved from the stereotype of the clammy, greedy, back-stabbing asshole with a combover. Maybe you’re really making people’s dreams come true by giving them the financing options to afford the car of their dreams, or maybe you’re just a huge piece of shit who rips off old ladies buying a new Buick Lacrosse. No one will ever know, and no one cares. It doesn’t matter if you’re Floyd Mayweather’s personal Bentley dealer; you’re still a skeevy car salesman. Hang that Associate’s Degree high, my friend.
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Unfortunately, this is a thankless job at any level. Let’s say you’re the head janitor for Bain, Google, or anywhere else. You’re probably pulling in $60k with a solid benefits package – not bad at all. My buddy’s dad owns a janitorial service, so he got hooked up with a cushy job, but he had to work at the bottom for a while. He likes to brag as if his accomplishments don’t boil down to a gross combination of nepotism and human waste. When a janitor calls in sick, he has to take over for the day. Sometimes when his hubris becomes annoying, I have to remind him of one simple reality: over the course of our lives, there is an absolutely zero chance that I will have to clean spray-cannon diarrhea off the wall where I work, even if it’s mine. Can you say the same?
Slowly being made obsolete by Zillow and “For Sale by Owner” signs, the realtor is the exploitative dinosaur home buyers will be happy to see go extinct. You get a 6 percent commission? On what? If you weren’t alive I could just buy that house and save your bullshit 6 percent commission, thereby being able to afford an even nicer house. Don’t act like you’re a facilitator or any kind of symbiotic organism; you’re a parasite on the ass of society.
Everyone hates you. I know it, and you know it. I don’t have a family, nor am I sitting down to dinner with them every time you call, but I will tell you that just to make you feel bad enough to reevaluate your existence.
6. Herbalife President and CEO
There’s no honor in a pyramid scheme, even if you’re at the top. Congratulations for making a career out of ‘roided out personal trainers hocking your shitty supplements to overweight divorcees, but you’re not exactly Steve Jobs or Big Tom Callahan. Just own it, you fraud.
My dad’s old barber retired, so he calls the new guy, Patrick, his “barber.” This really pisses Patrick off for some reason. According to Patrick, he didn’t go to beauty school just to be called a barber when he graduated. Unfortunately for Patrick, 6 months in beauty school doesn’t put a “Dr.” in your title, and it takes people like my dad to make sure he remembers that. What better way to do that than consistent, real-talk humiliation?
8. Men’s Room Attendant
You are the bane of everyone’s existence. It’s bad enough I had to blow $150 on this overpriced steak dinner for my girlfriend’s younger brother’s high school graduation, but I have to bring an extra $2 to drop in your Tupperware tip jar? If you weren’t bogarting all the fucking soap, we wouldn’t have that awkward moment where I nervously look for soap/hand sanitizer so I can avoid interacting with you. Oh, and you stacked all the rolls of paper towels behind you, too? You’re a real piece of shit. This is a Wire-esque shakedown, and you’re using my affinity for cleanliness to extort me. I got a feeling your whole family’s going down. But for now, I have to get back to this $21 Caesar salad and $17 glass of J&B..
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