Happy Halloween! Just kidding, Fright Night is a few weeks away away. In case you wanted to get in the mood, here are five things that will literally make me, and every other woman on this beautiful blue Earth, scream when you whip out your fire hose like it’s October 31st.
5. Razor Burn
I’m not saying a good “deep clean” isn’t occasionally appreciated, but I am saying that my mind will jump to conclusions. As a woman in her prime, I’m too young to deal with the herp. You may tell me one thousand times “Oh, it’s just a little razor burn! I was trying to clean up for you!” I’m pretty sure razor burn isn’t supposed to make your crotch look like a freshly napalmed Vietnamese jungle. Do you understand what WebMD tells me? It tells me your potentially not razor burn could be an STD that will KILL ME SLOWLY. This is one hand I am not going to gamble on. “Give me bump-free, or give me death.” – Patrick Henry, probably.
4. A Vagina
Transexuals are cool, I have absolutely nothing against them. I love my LGBT community and I left my damn church because they think being gay is an infectious disease that turns us all to a life of sin. I piss equality and glitter and rainbows, but I at the same time I am not one of them. I am attracted to men and therefore am attracted to the weenie. When we get ready to do the dirty, I want you to whip that damn thing out. A vagina does not whip and if it does, homegirl, you’ve got some funky looking genetalia. If I go home with a man or am dating one, I expect him to have a manly looking babymaker. If the pants went south and there was nothing that resembled one a chunk of man meat, I’d be beyond pissed because that meant you lied to me.
3. The Lance
I’ve never seen a Lance in real life, to be honest. I have, however, studied anatomy and know everything there is to know about the scrotum. I’ve also studied anatomy on the clinical level meaning I’ve had a lot of sex in my short lifetime. A single ball in all its glory would freak me the fuck out. However, I could easily get over that freak out if I had a heads up. I’m not going to scream at you for having cancer—I’m not a heartless asshole. However, a sole testi is way out of the norm. If I had one boob and padded the other one up with socks, I’d also extend you the consideration of knowing during our pre-game warm up. It’s common courtesy, honestly.
2. The Left Leaner
I once hooked up with a guy who had a 90 degree lateral peener. We were canoodling on the couch, getting our spoon on, when he asked me if we could switch sides. I told him he was an idiot and continued to watch whatever rom-com I was forcing him to enjoy with me. He said he needed to switch sides for “medical reasons,” so I laughed… and continued to watch my movie that probably featured Katherine Heigl. He, quite literally, picked me up and threw me on the other side of his bed because his dick hurt so much leaning into the bed. He was the Ultimate Left Leaner. Once Kathryn Heigl died or got the boy or whatever and the movie ended, pants flew to the floor and I saw it with my own eyes: The Left Leaner. It all made sense: his pain, his awkwardness walking, his short texts. A higher power decided that his peenie should be crooked for all of eternity. I couldn’t even steer the damn this straight because it caused him too much pain. Again, a heads up would have been appreciated because I would’ve known to cover my left walls with a towel.
1. The Peeking Turtle
The only uncircumcised ding-a-ling I’ve ever seen was when I Google image’d “uncircumsized penises” after reading some part of the Old Testament in high school. All these years later and I’m still scarred for life. I’ve never had personal one-on-one time with that sacred flap of skin, but I imagine it is awful. So many cultures literally cut the damn piece of cellular epidermis because we are ALL so terrified of it. To put it in lay terms, the turtle shell is a MONSTER. It incubates STDs according to a nun at my Catholic all-girls high school. (She also told us we should never even think about the sin-of-a-skin until we are married).