Do you struggle every weekend to get a member of the female population to put down her drink, take off her heels, and run all four bases to the ultimate grand slam: a one night stand with you? Well listen up, fellas, because it is ridiculously easy to convince a lady to go home with you. One could even say it’s easier than taking candy from a baby, even if said baby was able to babble the words: “Here’s some candy. You should have it, I’m quite full at the moment.”
Hint That You’re In The Mood For Chipotle And You’re Buying
Feed into her drunchies by offering to exchange a $6.95 chicken burrito for what’ll probably be a killer beej later that night. Trust me, she had to learn how to deep throat that burrito somewhere. As she wipes the sour cream from her mouth, she’ll gaze into your eyes through a solid set of Chipotle Patron margarita goggles, thinking that you’re “actually kind of cute when I close my left eye halfway.” When she’s finished, she’ll most likely have a food baby, which is proven to trigger a female’s “Let’s Get It On” hormones, causing her to throw herself at you in hopes of putting a real baby in her belly. Just don’t forget to use protection, my friends. You will both regret that pregnancy more than the scarring sound of her sitting on the can in the morning, attempting to silently hide her recovery from the 2 a.m. Mexican food run.
Pro Tip: If she finishes her Chipotle and doesn’t suggest a stroll back to your place to see your fish tank, take her to get froyo. She’ll go bonkers knowing she’s about to receive a mouthgasm while simultaneously preventing a yeast infection. This will psychologically and anatomically prep her body to do the dirty in your bedroom.
Give Her Obscure Compliments That Show You Care And Boost Her Ego
When guys use the line, “You have such nice eyes!” a girl will usually just dramatically roll her eyes, cross her arms over her chest because it’s obviously a comment on her weight, and mentally throw a drink at the douchebag’s head. (In some rare cases, the female will actually throw her drink at said guy’s head, but since he probably won’t buy her one in return for the gesture, she’ll often refrain.) However, if you customize your compliment to sound like you’re actually paying attention to her, she’ll fall for you faster than you could drop the salary-you-don’t-actually-make humblebrag line after introducing yourself. Some suggestions include: “Ah, I see you have attached earlobes. Does that make you genetically perfect? Because according to science, I think it does.” Or maybe, “Look at that hint of stubble on your legs! You must be hardworking and too busy to shave sometimes. Independence–that’s really fucking hot.”
Talk About Your Stable Job So She Knows She You Make A Lot of Money
Nothing revs a woman’s engine quite like knowing she’ll never have to work a day in her life once she’s married. Personally, I’m a very driven individual whose career goals would take the glass ceiling out to a nice seafood dinner and never call it again. However, the second a man mentions his involvement in something lucrative sounding, such as oil or doctorate degrees, the remaining years of higher education I still have ahead of me come full circle, do a lap or two around my alcohol-infused brain, and go on their way out the door with my anxiety of never being able to afford a meal of higher quality than Lean Cuisine. I would say the ability the pay for the entirety of a woman’s lifestyle is a first class ticket into her pants, but that makes her sound like a borderline house mom with fake tits and Juicy Couture tracksuits who dabbled in prostitution once upon a time. So, to put it less condescendingly, money = stability. Stability = constant flow of Chipotle. Constant flow of Chipotle = See no. 1.
Be The Person She Wants To See
Women love a real man who isn’t afraid to be himself. According to nine out of 10 girls at any given bar*, the most attractive quality a man can have is confidence in himself, which is usually portrayed through honesty. That tenth girl who doesn’t treasure honesty is probably a pathological liar who enjoys attention more than people who post Facebook statuses saying, “Ugh, I love leg day, but it will be the death of me.” Essentially, her opinion does not count. But, I digress.
*This statistic was an estimate I made three whiskey sours deep.
When it comes to honesty, remember to tell the girl you want to take home what she honestly wants to hear. This is what we call white lies, which, according to my mother, are fair game in the tangled web of interpersonal trustworthiness. Stretch your salary by a couple zeros and if you get caught, blame it on the miscommunication of decimals instead of pleading guilty. If she says she’s been hurt before by previous boyfriends, reassure her that you know how she feels because your ex-boyfriends have broken your heart into shambles, too. When she says she wants to have kids one day, assume she means dogs and agree with her wholeheartedly. If her muffin top is pudging out a little too much for your eyes to handle, don’t be afraid to physically tuck it back into her jeans. When she knows you’re comfortable with who you are, thanks to your brutal honesty for straightforwardness, she won’t be afraid to put her heart in your hands and your dick in her vagina.