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37 Signs You’ve Made It In Life

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  1. You own a KitchenAid mixer and at least three attachments and you proudly display it on your counter — where its primary purpose seems to be gathering the dust that your housekeeper wipes away each week, because the purpose of the KitchenAid is not to use it, it’s to show other people that you are better than them.
  2. You have a tax guy.
  3. And a lawn guy.
  4. And a money guy.
  5. Basically you just have a “guy” for everything.
  6. Obviously you don’t know his name, though. To you, he is just simply “guy” and his life’s purpose is to do the shit you don’t want to do.
  7. You receive seasonal Williams-Sonoma and Pottery Barn catalogs.
  8. Because your favorite pastime involves getting drunk and ordering overpriced leather and ceramic goods.
  9. Ironclad prenups.
  10. Whenever you walk into someone’s Ikea-laden home, you shame them for being both cheap and a socialist.
  11. “Are you a hobbit? Let me see your feet. No? You’re not? Then why do you have hobbit sized furniture?”
  12. You don’t do anything that you could pay someone else to do.
  13. Bartenders know your name — and also your go-to drink order.
  14. You met your significant other without the help of online dating.
  15. In fact, the whole concept of online dating is so foreign to you that still you refer to Mike in Accounting’s wife as his “internet girlfriend” despite the fact that they’ve been married for six years.
  16. Custom made builtins.
  17. There’s a brick with your name on it at your alma mater and whenever you’re back at the old stomping grounds, you insist on going to see it to make sure it’s not “covered in puke like the last time.”
  18. Your leather couch feels like butter. Which is kind of funny, because never in a million years would you ever let anyone eat on it.
  19. The license plate on your car reads “TH1S GUY.”
  20. You simply assume that anyone who wants to date you is after your money.
  21. First class or GTFO.
  22. A drink at your country club is named after you.
  23. Your maid refuses to make eye contact with you.
  24. Despite never getting asked for it, you’re constantly giving life advice to young people.
  25. Monogrammed cufflinks.
  26. You haven’t been wrong in over five years, because you fired the last person who disagreed with you.
  27. You’re on a first name basis with one of the investors on “Shark Tank.”
  28. You have a beach house that sits empty nine months out of the year because you simply refuse to rent.
  29. People look the other way when you use “poor” as a noun.
  30. Purebred everything.
  31. People keep telling you to run for office
  32. You refer to your significant other’s job as a hobby.
  33. Straight ticket Republican.
  34. You frequently leave Switzerland with significantly less money than you arrived with.
  35. Same goes for the Cayman Islands.
  36. “I will pay you $1,000 for you to never speak to me again.”
  37. You’re no longer friends with anyone you went to high school with.

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Catie Warren

Catie struggles with adulthood and has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with PGP, Catie was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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