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34 Reasons Why I Can’t Wait to Retire

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  1. Nobody to tell you when to wake up, or even tell you to wake up at all.
  2. Outfits consist of sun hats, high-waisted shorts and polo shirts.
  3. Not sure what to make for breakfast, lunch or dinner? That’s what the clubhouse in the condo complex is for.
  4. Inconvenient tee times are your bread and butter. 2:30 in the afternoon is your 5 AM.
  5. Widow or widower? You can get plenty of sympathy ass by participating in group activities. Lectures at the local college, art shows, trips to the Native American casino, water aerobics. It’s like shooting wrinkly, liver-spotted fish in a barrel.
  6. Speaking of which, menopause = no need for condoms.
  7. The phrase “Teeth in or out?” a sure sign of a good time.
  8. You’re never too far away from a game of mahjong or bridge.
  9. For someone as forgetful as me, senility will be like slipping into a warm, familiar bathtub.
  10. For someone as forgetful as me, senility will be like slipping into a warm, familiar bathtub.
  11. Feeling lazy? Young people will offer you rides just to keep your cataract-riddled ass off the road.
  12. Get caught shoplifting or forget to wear pants? Just feign Alzheimer’s
  13. Your kids and grandkids love spending time with their dear, old grandparents…and if they don’t, they’re out of the fucking will.
  14. There’s no shame in being a 21-year-old’s sugar daddy when you’re reaping the benefits.
  15. The ability to go out and do anything you want with whoever you want, but choosing to stay at home because of laziness/crippling fear of the outside world.
  16. Getting to live in Florida year-round, where nothing crazy ever happens. Ever.
  17. The ability to buy annual passes to Disney World, in the vain hope that your grandchildren will visit you.
  18. Going to Disney World without the little bastards. Their legs are too short to keep up with my power-walking pace. Fuck ’em.
  19. Boca Raton has more Jewish people per square foot than anywhere else in the world. Perfect for when you need a Minyan.**
    **Minyan – A quorum of ten Jewish adults required for certain religious obligations, like funerals.
  20. Early-Bird Specials at the Sizzler/the Dennys/the Sweet Tomatoes/the Country Kitchen Buffet.
  21. Putting the word “the” in front of words where it doesn’t belong.
  22. Talking about how things were much better “back in my day.”
  23. Getting out of obligations because you “Fought against the Kaiser.”
  24. Racism and sexism become that much more acceptable when you don’t know any better.
  25. Not having to remember anyone’s names.
  26. Daytime TV has just gotten better and better. 9:00 – “Kelly and Michael,” 10:00 – “Let’s Make a Deal”, 11:00 – “The Price is Right”, which brings you right into the Local News at noon. You don’t even have to leave your house!
  27. Suspenders, and lots of them.
  28. Maaaaaaaaatlock!
  29. Frequent naps and diaper changes help you get back to your roots in a big way.
  30. Nobody asks you to help them move, pack, unpack, carry things, cross the street, or even tells you to pull up your pants.
  31. Incontinence. The ultimate PGP.
  32. Funeral Season > Wedding Season
  33. Getting to try new activities, meet new people, make new friends, live in a new setting and surrounding, all while appreciating every last moment while enjoying your twilight years in comfort and financial security, surrounded by the warmth of family and the people you love.
  34. For someone as forgetful as me, senility will be like slipping into a warm, familiar bathtub.

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