This is the story of three friends and the 45-minute spin class that changed their lives.
Jackie had just been through a horrible breakup. She caught her boyfriend cheating on her with her sorority sister in her apartment one Friday night when she got home from work. So, she kicked them both out of her home and burned all her photos with them. Unfortunately, she made the mistake of trying to burn the photos in her kitchen with one of those Yankee Candle jars. An album from the 2012 formal boat cruise (The Love Boat!) was highly combustible, leading to a fire that destroyed the apartment. Jackie luckily escaped unscathed, but now she was homeless.
Kaya was a little bit sick of hearing about Jackie’s cheating scandal, fire, and homelessness, because, frankly, she had her own shit to deal with. Her sinus infection had been bothering her for weeks. Her head was pounding, except during those few blissful moments after she snorted nasal spray. Kaya’s parents, both doctors, told her she would be fine, but she didn’t believe them. This wasn’t just a sinus infection. Kaya knew deep in her hypochondriacal heart that she was really battling cancer (definitely terminal). She could see her obituary now. “Kaya is sorely missed by her family and friends, who were too stupid to realize that she was dying, and didn’t believe Kaya when she tried to tell them.”
Georgie (short for Georgiana) pretended to pity her friends, but knew she was the real tragic heroine here. With a name like Georgiana, she was screwed from day one. Kids in school called her Georgie Porgie, and now her boss at work called her Jorge and made racist remarks every time she cleaned out his filing cabinet. Georgie was pretty sick of her workplace abuse and dreamed of a life in which she ran off to Hollywood and changed her name to Amber Waves. When she transitioned from acting to singing, like most Disney Channel stars, she could have amber waves of grain on her album cover.
Jackie, Kaya and Georgie decided to put their troubles aside one Tuesday night and go to spin class. After two weeks of homelessness, Jackie looked forward to taking a shower in the locker room. She had forgotten what showers felt like. Kaya secretly hoped she passed out during the class due to her congested sinuses, creating a panic that would draw all the attention in the room toward her. Georgie was excited to let off some steam after work and pretend she was kicking her boss in the head each time she pedaled.
The three friends in stretchy spandex pants entered the cycling studio, weighed down by their own separate troubles. Jackie looked like Bellatrix Lestrange from Harry Potter. Her hair was dry and frizzy, and her eyes, since the fire, were permanently widened in horror. Kaya looked like Britney Spears after she shaved her head and smashed an umbrella against that car window…I forgot to mention that Kaya shaved her head to save her the trouble later in case she does actually have cancer. Georgie looked like a fully armored Brienne of Tarth from Game of Thrones, ready to snap someone’s head from their neck without batting an eyelash.
But all that changed when the darkness of the studio embraced the three friends, drawing them in with its hypnotic blend of EDM, rap and Fetty Wap. The girls adjusted their seats and clipped into their bikes. Jackie warmed up by stepping out of the seat and jogging in third position. Kaya put a hand on her chest and pedaled slowly. Was that a lump on her breast? Georgie stayed seated, head down, cranking the resistance up until her legs burned.
“Hello Tuesday! How’s everybody doing tonight?”
Their instructor looked like one of those Hadid sisters, expertly toned and tanned. All the girls wanted to hate her because she was perfect, but she was too nice and talented to hate. Maybe she was more like a Taylor Swift.
“Let’s get started!” Taylor Swift said. “Increase that resistance. Remember, this is your ride and your body!”
“All I Do is Win” came on, and Jackie started to let go of the pain of her breakup as she remembered that time she raced her boyfriend’s lover at a sorority field day and kicked her ass.
“Trap Queen” came on next, and all the girls in the class, and the one dude, screamed “Hey. What’s up? Hello!” along with the instructor.
“Alright everybody, we’re going to slow it down a little bit,” Taylor said. She was dripping sweat, but she still looked flawless.
“If I Die Young” came on, and Kaya started tearing up a little bit. This was her song. She cranked up her resistance and thought that maybe she could beat this illness after all.
Taylor Swift looked around at all the heaving bodies in her class, struggling for air like a school of fish in a shallow pond, and she was pleased.
“Everyone, it’s time!” Taylor said. “Who’s ready for a hill?”
At this point, Georgie was feeling good. The beat dropped, and she upped her resistance as she slowly climbed. She recognized the beat of the song, but it was faster than normal, and she couldn’t think of the name. Then, she heard the voice of an angel…Beyoncé. “Say My Name” blared through her eardrums, and she cranked up the resistance again, screaming along to the song.
“We’re going to race down the hill everybody!” Taylor said. “I want you to give this sprint your all. Forget everything else going on in your life and live in this moment!”
Jackie, Kaya and Georgie loosened their resistance and let their feet fly. They felt free for the first time in weeks. And, when they unclipped from their bikes and walked out of that room in the spin studio, they were transformed, pulsing with newfound adrenaline and hope, suddenly high on the lives they had hated just 45 minutes ago.
Jackie, who’d entered as Bellatrix Lestrange, emerged as Kanye West (she is also 5’8”), singing “Jesus Walks.” She had died and rose again, cuz the Internet says only Yeezus can save us!
Kaya, who’d entered as bald Britney, emerged as Britney in her prime, and screamed “It’s Britney, bitch!” at the crowd in the lobby. The cycling studio receptionist cringed but also admired Britney’s ability to work out in a sequined bikini.
Georgie, who’d entered as Brienne of Tarth, emerged reborn with a new name: Khaleesi.
“You may all call me ‘Mother of Dragons,’” she said to the other girls in the locker room. They put their headphones in and ignored her.
After showering, the girls walked out of the studio, hugged and took a selfie.
Jackie immediately signed a lease for a new apartment.
Kaya started a foundation to raise money for other hypochondriacs.
Georgie, or should I say Amber Waves, quit her job and moved to Hollywood. Her debut album is coming out in December. A market research firm found that most of her target audience is 20-something women who are gluten-free, so the album’s working title is “Amber Waves of Gluten-Free Grain” with tracks including “Bread is Dead.” .
Also read I Went To Spin Class And It Was The Worst.
Image via Shutterstock