- You end phone conversations with phrases like, “I’ll give you a buzz later,” or “Take care, mhm, buhbye.”
- You’ve become the “coaster ninja” to anyone placing a drink on your coffee table.
- You offer up “leftovers” for dinner as if they’re an actual dish.
- You hold a personal vendetta against the guy who lets his dog shit in your yard and leaves it.
- You sprung for the Gold Membership at Costco for the 2% Rewards.
- You lose your cell phone at least twice a day, and it’s in your coat pocket.
- You have a drawer full of receipts dating back to the Britney Spears days, pre-nervous breakdown.
- On Halloween, you turn off all your lights and pretend you’re not home.
- Your DVR is loaded with History Channel specials and The Sopranos reruns.
- You receive L.L.Bean and Eddie Bauer catalogs in the mail.
- When your friends light up a smoke in your car you scream, “I swear I’ll pull this car over, damn it!”
- You understand the allure behind Spanx.
- You own multiple “As seen on TV” products.
- When you get home from work you eat dinner standing in front of the TV.
- You special ordered monogrammed luggage with your initials.
- You have your own “spot” on the couch.
- You take pride in your expensive kitchen appliances.
- You’ve told multiple members of the Verizon Wireless customer service team to go fuck themselves.
- Your favorite outfit is comprised of a bathrobe and slippers.
- When traveling, you take all the free hotel shampoo/conditioner/lotions and hoard them for home use.
- Finger prints on glass surfaces “just bug you.”
- You carry snacks in your purse.
- You buy a weekly lotto ticket then tell everyone how you would spend the cash if you won.
- You tell anyone ten years your junior how it was, “Much harder back in my day.”
- You use SPF 50+ even when it’s overcast.
- Earning gas points on each grocery purchase you make gives you a little high.
- You think sitting in your yard in a lawn chair drinking beer is an acceptable way to spend your Saturday—and you realize…you became your parents years ago.
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