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21 Power Moves You Can Pull At Homecoming

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  1. Throw the up-and-down “Put on some weight?” look in the direction of a former sexual competitor.
  2. Add at least $10,000 dollars to your annual salary, even if no one asks what it is.
  3. “There, there, there too, on top of that statue, I think there when I was blacked out one night, definitely had sex there…” when walking through campus.
  4. “After party. Hampton Inn. Room 321. Be there.”
  5. Tell an underclassman to go fetch you a beer and then come back for “story time.”
  6. Endlessly talk about that one time you had lunch with someone on the board of curators.
  7. Complain about how small the tailgate is.
  8. Explain to anyone asking if they can crash in your hotel room that you’re at max capacity.
  9. Present your in-depth plan to hire Hugh Freeze out of the SEC to anyone who will listen.
  10. Present your in-depth plan to hire Dan Mullen out of the SEC to anyone who doesn’t think you can get Hugh Freeze.
  11. Take the biggest booth for yourself at a late night diner.
  12. Wave your $500 limit Capital One Platinum card at the bartender in front of obviously underage coeds.
  13. “What year did you graduate? 2012? 2013?” to an alumna who obviously graduated in the ’90s.
  14. Craft a 120-second Snapchat story composed solely of creepshots of 20-year-olds.
  15. Gameday khakis.
  16. Tell an upperclassman you can write them a recommendation for grad school.
  17. Find your way onto a float and declare yourself the mayor of homecoming.
  18. “Why weren’t the girls this hot when we went here?”
  19. Find an alum from the ’70s and ask him how his daughter is liking school.
  20. Show up two hours late to the tailgate and blame it on breakfast with the dean of the business school running a little long.
  21. Never make it into the game.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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