There are people in this cruel world who will say that being sober is refreshing, exciting, and other positive adjectives. Their arguments are so convincing that I’ve decided to go sober for a whole year. I’ve also purchased car insurance from The General due to that irresistible commercial quality, and I have officially received my notarized letter inviting me to attend Hogwarts. It’s been a big week. What I’m saying is, being sober all of the time is asinine. (Unless, of course, you have an actual problem, in which case, why are you reading this?) I’ve done some research on these individuals who prefer sobriety. By “done some research,” I mean I have consulted my brain and concluded that I am correct. What I’ve gathered from my imaginary subjects is that they prefer to live in a simple, sheltered world, where everyone speaks clearly and regularly falls asleep in their assigned beds. Where’s the fun in that?
Whether or not we agree on overall sobriety, there is one thing I know to be true. There are events that we all have in common in which sobriety is completely off of the table. Some examples include: anything with your entire extended family, a reunion with people from high school, or a hookup involving someone well below your standards. I hope that you have enough common sense to not be sober for shit like that. If you don’t, I can’t help you. No one can help you. You are an adult and I reject your maturity. But if you have unwittingly experienced such events completely sober, you know how painful it can be.
Read in the following format: “I should not _______________ while sober.”
1. Read This Article
I am insufferable. You will like me better if you have a drink in your hand, I promise you that. Whenever I am with my brother, he refuses to acknowledge my presence until he has a drink. I suggest you take the same approach with my columns.
2. Go To Kmart
The workers still hate themselves. The checkout computers are still ivory IBMs. The quality of the products and patrons alike are still worse than Target’s, but better than Walmart’s. You already know what you’re walking into and you know you won’t be able to find what you’re looking for, so why put yourself in a place where that could lead to anxiety? If you smoked a little or drank a little beforehand, you might find the humor in being there, therefore making it tolerable.
For fun: I need you to do something. Go to Google and search “Does Kmart.” Check out that first Google autofill suggestion. LOL.
3. Purchase Plan B
This little task is humiliating, degrading, agonizing, and emotionally draining. The person behind the counter is 100 percent going to judge the shit out of you and you have no control over that. You might as well dull your awareness of your inevitable judgement via your substance of choice.
4. Hang Out With My Friend Shaun
Do you have a friend who antagonizes you for his or her own personal enjoyment? If you do, you have your very own Shaun, and we are probably together in knowing that drinking heavily makes us like this person more.
5. Be Around Children I’m Not In Charge Of
The “not in charge of” part is crucial. Other people’s kids are whiny, dramatic, and physically abusive, especially if you’ve established a relationship with them and they are comfortable with you. Then their true colors shine bright like a diamond. You get drunker, they get funnier. These are facts.
6. Experience Natural Disasters
I have been in two hurricanes, two blizzards, an earthquake, and a tornado, all of which were life-threatening (if you listen to the media). I do not, so all events deemed “life-threatening” are to be handled with an overindulgence of alcohol. Who’s with me?
For fun: My roommate flew in from Tokyo the morning a blizzard hit the East Coast, and right before she left, there was a fucking earthquake in Japan. She experienced TWO natural disasters in ONE day in SEPARATE parts of the world, and holy shit, it blew my mind.
7. Go To A One-Woman Show
Bitches be crazy. Drink the fuck up.
8. Go On A Journey
Traveling is long, hard, and usually sleep-deprived. If you are fucked up beyond belief, you will black out and therefore time travel, and you will arrive at your destination much faster. Crisis averted.
9. Sing A Taylor Swift Song
When you’re sober, you pretend that you are above catchy Taylor Swift tunes, and you convey that the addition of her music to your Spotify would taint your prestigious taste. When you’re drunk, you sing every damn word. You knew it wasn’t “Starbucks lovers” way before there was an article on BuzzFeed about it, those amateurs. Okay, you can do this soberly, but only on one condition: when you are alone and dancing in your underwear. But I didn’t have to tell you that.
10. Do Anything Involving Nancy Pelosi
She’s wasted, so why shouldn’t you be? Wait, I’m receiving intel that she is, in fact, sober when she makes public appearances. Erroneous! Erroneous on all accounts!
11. Be In Los Angeles
So much sunshine, so much ego. Every single person in that city either thinks he or she is better than you, or he or she actually is better than you. It sucks because you never quite figure out which one is true. Los Angeles people simply hate you for existing. Just take a drink every time someone scowls at you and you’ll be shit-faced by noon.
12. Watch Shark Week
One word: Megalodon. If that motherfucker is real, you better appreciate your life and drink to it before that dinosaur monster of the sea inevitably kills us all. Also if you’re drunk enough, you might believe all the shit they make up for ratings now.
13. Attend A Work Event
If I have to tell you to take advantage of an open bar as much as it’s humanly possible, then I think you should be put down. We don’t need people like you in the world.
14. Be The Third, Fifth, Or Seventh Wheel
I don’t care if these people are your friends. Going somewhere with a couple while you are mind-numbingly single is about as fun as tax season. Don’t even get me started on if you are friends with one of them but you hate the significant other. Then you REALLY need to drink up, because you have some fake-ass smiling to attend to.
15. Interpret Art
You’ll never really understand the point of it, but if you indulge in a little substance abuse before you try, you might just think you do..
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