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The Save-the-Date has arrived from that couple your significant other is friends with. You don’t particularly like these two but you tolerate them while out to dinner every eight to ten weeks. The guy only wants to talk about golf and, once you’ve had a few drinks, you start imagining his fiancee hooking up with your girlfriend to pass the time. They scheduled this dinner specifically because they just got engaged and want to bask in your praise once again (even though you obligatorily did that on social media weeks ago).
Well, now they’ve set the date 16 months from now and want you to block off that weekend for their wedding, with more details to follow.
In the meantime, they want you to check out their wedding website for all the information you’ll need as their big day approaches. The URL is something like www.theknot.com/girl’s European last name guy’s middle name\homewardpage13//sailboat/9368110.edu.love. The site doesn’t actually work on Chrome, Safari or Firefox but you should be good if you use Opera. They also didn’t bother spending the $11 on GoDaddy to purchase an actual website domain because the URL shouldn’t be hard to remember, right? Don’t forget to check back every few days or so too, in case the site gets updated with more information!
As of right now, the site’s homepage has a nice staged picture they spent two and a half hours and 500 tries taking. It’s clear he got impatient and made her cry because her makeup is smeared and while his mouth is forming a smile, his eyes scream out, “Great, now she’s not going to make dinner tonight and I’m stuck hammering PBJs.” Underneath the photo is the date and location of their wedding, all information that had previously been given with you.
The next page over is “Their Story.” It’s 2900 words long and includes a bunch of throwback pictures from when they first met in college. Every single person attending the wedding has heard a different version of this story at some point in the past. What stands out to you the most is how much they cleaned it up for the website. The version you remember included him trying to slide a hand up her dress right before she puked on his roommate’s comforter. Oh well!
Good, and here we have a breakdown of the Wedding Party. A dozen men and women you’ve only heard of by name only up until this point, now accompanied with various qualities of headshots. These bridesmaids pictures would have been helpful if I was 24. But now all it does is let me know who to avoid completely during the reception because I don’t want to hear about their shitty kids or how one of the groomsmen has a really great idea for an app and wants to know if I know any angel investors in Silicon Valley.
Perfect, here’s what we’re looking for: Lodging and Transportation. Annnnnd it’s blank. It looks like they’re trying to get a room block at a B&B that starts at $400/night but they were thinking that maybe instead of everybody renting yurts on the side of a cliff and bathing and eating by campfire. And oh wow, thank God, a “Things to Do” section. So glad they provided me with a list of Things to Do in the location of their wedding. I wasn’t sure I was able to Google that myself.
It’s clear they spent untold hours on the layout, wording and aesthetic of this site and it provides absolutely zero helpful information. What airport do I fly into? Do we need a rental car? Now I have to text the groom like a jackass and who knows what level of knowledge he has about any of these details. Plus I have to set a calendar reminder to check back on the site every three days in case they update the lodging info.
You know what? Fuck these people, we’re not going anymore – we’re telling them one of my brothers is graduating from college or something and then slowly flake on them until they’re out of our lives completely. We’ll just send some shitty gift in a year as an apology.
Oh good, and they registered at Pottery Barn. .
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
It looks like you are getting married, would you like help using Word to create a website that will only work in Internet Explorer?
unpopular opinion but i always check wedding websites for time, address, and dress code after i lose the invite
My wedding website is going to include pictures of the resort and beach where we’re having the destination wedding. Oh, and a message reminding everyone they are not invited, but should still check out our registry.
This literally just described my cousins wedding to the fullest. All expensive as hell wedding gifts on the registry, the two most expensive hotels in the downtown major us city it was in were the rooms blocked off. Update emails every 3 days. Even as a groomsman, i said Fuck it and got a cheap room out by the airport. Because staying that much closer to the wedding party is worth paying $399 a night compared to $150 a night.
My wife and I didn’t bother with a website, 99% of the guests were on Facebook so that’s how we sent out our information, in an FB event.
Engaged at the bean and Facebook event invites yep sounds about right.
Don’t forget about the Disney honeymoon
Because I didn’t spend a crapload of money on a wedding site, that as mentioned, would have “sucked” anyway? Whatever.
The site’s free, the $11 URL isn’t
Facebook is free too.
give it up, Dave. Just take the loss
You’re wedding just keeps getting better and better.
It was better than your grammar.