Your Team Is Stupid: The Worst Things About Every MLB Team

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Opening Day is upon us. Those bullshit games in Australia don’t count. The grand game of baseball is as American as apple pie and Santa Claus, but with the dawn of a new season comes the torrent of reminders that you hate every single team that isn’t yours. Whether it’s because of the players, the fans, the broadcasters, or a stupid stadium, Major League Baseball is just as annoying as it is American.

NL West

Dodgers: Their fans. They’re notorious for showing up in the third inning, they leave before the seventh inning stretch, and they beat rival fans to near death in the parking lot.

Giants: Their panda hats. Yes, Pablo Sandoval has one of the best nicknames in baseball. Yes, you look like a buffoon when you put on a panda-shaped stocking cap that has mittens attached to it. Grow up, Peter Pan.

Padres: Their uniforms. When you play in an awesome city like San Diego, you have to have the awesome uniforms to go with it. The Padres used to have awesome unis through the ’80s and ’90s, but now they have the most boring, bland uniforms in baseball. They’re actually probably worse than any organized sports team, and that includes your nephew’s terrible T-ball team’s uniforms.

D’backs: Their stadium. Something happened 10 years ago that caused stadium architects to decide upon putting the dumbest things possible inside baseball stadiums, like a giant wall with a yellow line. Call me old fashioned, but I like my home runs to actually go over a physical wall.

Rockies: Their completely unremarkable history. Yawn. Just yawn when I think about the history of the Colorado Rockies.

NL Central

Cardinals: Their fans. They’re the self-appointed “Best Fans In Baseball.” They respect the game more than any fan base and cheer harder and clap really loudly. They support their team more than any other team ever, and then they all eat cookies after the game ends. Best fans in baseball. Well, except for when they’re hurling homophobic insults all over Twitter. Best fans in baseball? Just ask any Cards fan. They’ll tell you they are.

Brewers: Their fans. I’d be drunk all the time, too, if my team had never won a World Series.

Cubs: Their fans. I’d be drunk all the time, too, if my team hadn’t won a World Series in any member of my family’s lifetime.

Pirates: Their mascot. The Pirates are probably the least hateable team in baseball. They have Roberto Clemente, Clint Hurdle’s purple face, the most gorgeous stadium in baseball, and awesome uniforms. I’ll just go with their weird parrot mascot who is literally named Pirate Parrot. Now listen to Steve Blass lose his shit:

Reds: Their TV deal. Cincy is one of the smallest markets in baseball, yet the Reds’ TV deal is a massive $30 million a year contract with Fox Sports Ohio. That’s stupid and I hate it. Makes no sense.

NL East

Nationals: Their lack of existence up until 2005. The fact that the nation’s capital went decades without a Major League team is some shameful shit, as Bunk Moreland would say. I know “The Wire” was based in Baltimore, not DC. Doesn’t matter. Fuck you.

Braves: Their fans. There’s an argument to be heard that the Braves are the most nationally popular NL team due to their national TV contract with TBS, but judging by attendance at Turner Field on most nights, no one in Atlanta actually gives a shit.

Marlins: Almost Everything. Besides Giancarlo Stanton, I can’t think of any redeeming qualities this team has. An evil owner, an incompetent GM, being from Miami, terrible uniforms, an insanely expensive taxpayer funded stadium in a shitty neighborhood, and the most ridiculous home run spectacular anyone has ever seen:

Then there’s this:

Phillies: Their GM. It was damn close, but Ruben Amaro, Jr., edges out Philly’s atrocious fans for being the worst thing about the Phillies. Why? Because their front office ruined the careers of two NCAA players.

Mets: Their existence. Search the hashtag #LOLMETS on Twitter any summer night and you’ll see why. Poor Queens. You can also add in that they were a Ponzi scheme in the late ’90s and early 2000s.

AL West

Angels: Their name. Any team that has two cities in its name is the worst. Anaheim isn’t anywhere near Los Angeles. Buy a map, FFS.

Rangers: Their “small market” label. There’s nothing “small” about playing in the fourth largest metropolitan area in the United States. You can’t be the underdog in Dallas (Arlington, technically).

A’s: Their stadium. With roughly 17 square miles of foul territory, the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum (or whatever the hell it’s named this year) is the worst stadium in the world. The worst. It’s built in a marsh or a swamp or some other low-lying area that makes it smell like a toilet.

Mariners: Their location. I look at Seattle like a foreign country. It’s just way the hell up in the Pacific Northwest. It’s rainy and looks miserable all the time. That’s all I’ve got. Also, I’ve never forgiven Ken Griffey, Jr. for robbing that Lou Collins’ home run in “Little Big League.”

Astros: Their stadium. Any franchise who puts a hill and flagpole in play is the absolute worst. The team doesn’t even suck as bad as their stadium.

AL Central

Tigers: Their city. I can’t believe they still charge the people of Detroit full price to get into games. Maybe instead of dropping $150 million on Max Scherzer’s new deal, Mike Illitch could employ a few people in the Motor City. Some things are more important than winning.

Indians: Their city. Same as above, but with more pigeons, worse pitching and even worse weather.

White Sox: Their broadcaster. I don’t know if I’d ever fight an old man, but I’d throw down with Hawk Harrelson in a minute. He’s the worst homer broadcaster in sports, and the worst signature call in sports. Hawk didn’t even play for the White Sox and he calls every game as if the Sox roster is made up entirely of his grandchildren.

Twins: Their fans. People from Minnesota are so nice. There’s not a punchline to it–they’re ridiculously nice. Obnoxiously nice. I want to tell them how stupid Joe Mauer is and how overrated Ron Gardenhire is, but I can’t. They’ve built up this impenetrable shield of niceness that cannot be cracked. Why can’t everyone be like Mets fans?

Royals: Their GM. Dayton Moore has been the GM of the Royals for nine years. They’ve had one winning season and zero playoff appearances with him. Yes, the Royals are much better than they have been in the last 25 years, but Moore’s comments about finishing in third place with 86 wins and seven games back from the division title being like “winning the World Series” put him over the top as the worst thing about the Royals.

AL East

Yankees: Everything. From brash arrogance to overspending on payroll to the idiots who buy Yankee jerseys with the names on the back are the worst. We know who wears 2, idiot, and if you need a reminder about who wore 7 for the Pinstripes, you have no business being a Yankees fan in the first place.

Red Sox: Almost Everything. Take everything from above, add an obnoxious Massachusetts accent, and there you have it. Fenway Park is the only thing keeping everything about the Red Sox from being the worst. Well, that and Jimmy Fallon.

Orioles: Their games against the Yankees and Red Sox. Self explanatory. I get stressed out for O’s fans when Camden Yards gets taken over by Yankees and Red Sox fans whenever they play in Baltimore. I already have enough stress in my life.

Blue Jays: Their country. It’s not North America’s pastime. Give us our two World Serieseses back.

Rays: Their fans. I don’t care if my team played in a dumpster full of used diapers and only showed “Two Broke Girls” between innings–if they had the recent postseason history of the Rays, I’d go see them play every damn night.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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