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Your Guide To Every New Wedding Trend You’ll Have To Endure In 2017

Your Guide To Every New Wedding Trend You'll Have To Endure In 2017

You live your life wedding season to wedding season. And if you think you don’t, you’re either old enough to where your friends are now all having kids, or you’re young enough to where you haven’t realized it yet. There’s no bigger beating in life than realizing all your vacation days are being allocated to going to locations you’d never choose yourself while spending money for a discounted rate hotel room that’s still out of your budget.

But skipping your friend’s wedding is a one-way ticket to “you can’t hang out with them anymore”-ville, so prepare yourself for every shitty trend you’re going to have to see during one of the dozen weddings you schlep to.

At The Ceremony

Printed programs are out and have been replaced by chalkboard directories. Have fun trying to figure out to sit based completely off a chalkboard that looks like it was thrown together by the bride’s nieces just before the ceremony. Nothing screams, “We made our budget cuts with the programs” like a chalkboard greeting you as you walk in.

Their most hilarious, goofiest, and outgoing friend is going to perform the ceremony in place of a traditional priest or minister. This is their time to shine, so enjoy some inside joke-filled stories in place of bible scriptures. Just know that both sets of parents of the couple are as pissed off about the exclusion of an actual minister as you are that you have to listen to a stupid college story rather than make your way to cocktail hour.

No one throws rice anymore – get ready to blow bubbles or light a sparkler. Doesn’t every bride want bubbles filled with everyone’s 70-proof breath hitting the dress she shelled out for? Exactly. Pro tip, though: grab two sparklers when you encounter them. Half the time, everyone lights them too early and the bride and groom get stuck waiting for the picture-perfect opportune moment to walk out.

Dogs. Lots of dogs. There’s always that moment during the ceremony when a little boy or girl comes shuffling down the aisle and the attendees giggle and ‘aww’ wondering whether they’re just going to b-line it for their mom or dad the second they lock eyes. Now you get to deal with something only slightly more obedient than a toddler: a dog.

Gender-specific groomsmen and bridesmaids are a thing of the past. Bridesmen and groomsmaids? Doesn’t matter to me as long as they keep their reception speech under four minutes.

At The Reception

No location is off limits. Seriously, people are having their receptions everywhere. Life ain’t all hotels and country clubs anymore, everyone. Get your second tier deal sleds and wedges out because whether you’re at a campground, barn, or beach, drunkenly stumbling around the venue trying to find a place to neck with your plus-one just got a lot dirtier.

You’re going to be asked to do some shit you really don’t want to do. There’s no shortage of viral-thirsty wedding dance videos on YouTube and Vimeo, but that’s not even the extent of it anymore. We’re talking scavenger hunts and fucking singalongs, guys. The real dark stuff. But as long as they’ve got some WASPy country club games like bocce ball and croquet, just call it even and get drunk enough to not care.

Food & Drink

Don’t expect to be sat down for a plated dinner. Don’t remember checking either steak, chicken, or fish on the RSVP you sent a month too late? That’s because you didn’t. We talking food trucks, buffets, taco stations, sushi bars, grills – the sky is the limit. Complain all you want about not knowing where to sit, but are you really going to bitch when you’re eating leftover tacos at the ceremony rather than having your Uber driver stop by Taco Bell? That’s what I thought.

The open bar isn’t so open anymore. Okay, well, it kind of is. But at cocktail hour, they’re going to hand you a “signature cocktail” which is going to consist of a really generic twist on an even more generic cocktail. The *hilarious* name of the cocktail alone will make you want to punch yourself in the face.

These aren’t your grandma’s wedding cakes. Wedding cakes might largely be the lamest tradition of them all. Now you’re going to see a bride’s cake, a groom’s cake, muffins, cupcakes, cookies, whatever. There’s even a “naked” cake craze which San Francisco Gate describes as “filling between the layers but no frosting,” which is somehow probably more expensive than getting an actual fucking cake with bride and groom figurines topping it.

Technology

Trends are going to be way more trendy. Between Pinterest, Instagram, and Etsy, you’re pretty much going to see the same mason jar tealights and succulents at every fucking wedding you go to this year. One bride’s “personal touch” is another brides, well, “personal touch.”

A blender’s just not going to cut it on the registry anymore. Somewhere out there, there’s a Mark Zuckerberg of wedding registries who thought, “What if guests could buy dinners and flights for the bride and groom’s honeymoon?” I don’t know what’s worse: over-spending on a crystal champagne flute they’ll end up breaking or buying them a dinner they’ll end up giving three stars to on Yelp.

Get ready to hear, “What’s the hashtag for this wedding?” And they probably fucking paid for it because we’re all the worst.

Cameras. Will. Be. Everywhere. Fucking drones, man. Numerous cameramen because you need stills and video. It’s all fun and games until you get the notification a month later that you’ve been tagged in fourteen photos on Facebook, all of which have your mouth open while you dance like an asshole to “Shout.”

“No phones please.” Any couple with a “no cell phone” policy is a little too into themselves, in my opinion. What the hell are you supposed to do while the wedding party gets their photos taken between the ceremony and reception? Mingle? Nah, I’ve got a game to watch on the Watch ESPN app because the bride had no idea there was a huge conference game going on.

[H/T SF Gate]

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Will

Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at will@grandex.co.

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