Your Bathtub Should Be An Oasis Of Luxury

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Let’s all just admit that we do not have the money for at least half of the shit we buy. I order $14 cocktails on the regular and insist on only luxury bedsheets and I have absolutely no clue where I got the idea that I could pull that kind of move. I do not have the money in the bank to do most of the things I do. I spent two hundred dollars at a dive bar last weekend and I still hate myself.

That being said, there are some things in life that you just don’t skimp on regardless of the fact that you’re close to eviction. I don’t care if you can’t afford to turn the lights on in your fucking house; you cannot skimp on bathroom amenities. Your bathtub, hell even your bathroom as a whole, should be like your own personal oasis. If that means you’re spending three quarters of your paycheck on things like a cashmere bathrobe and a waterproof bluetooth music system, you aren’t wrong.

The best part of staying in a hotel is the free shit you get when you’re there, right? The experience is all about the perks; it’s all about how good you feel while you’re there. Your bathroom at home should be the same way. We’re all stressed, because the world is in the toilet and we’re all hurtling toward inevitable death, and one of the best ways to forget your crippling anxiety for an hour or two is right at your fingertips. Get yourself some high-end bath salts and do not snort them. Dissolve them in hot water and take a deep breath. Bubble bath is also a must– would you go in a jacuzzi and not turn the jets on? Bubbles are necessary. Otherwise you’re just boiling yourself in plain old flat water like a peasant.

Also necessary for a proper relaxing bathtime experience are a multitude of options for your bathing pleasure. Being able to ponder whether I want to use the lavender honey exfoliating scrub or the coconut lime deep hydration wash is a treat in and of itself. If you’re wandering the aisles at Bath & Body Works and find yourself torn between eucalyptus mint and cinnamon sugar, get both. Always buy both of whatever products you find yourself torn between– scrub, salts, lotion, body butter, mud foot mask, whatever it is. Critically important is also your scented candle choice. While taking your luxurious bubble baths, there should never be fewer than three candles burning at any one time. If you’re going to go bankrupt, do it over bath products. You can still go broke in luxury.

Another recommendation is waterproof lube. I won’t go into why, I’ll just say if you haven’t already that you should invest in a bottle that you keep under the sink and pull out at opportune times. Trust.

Once you’ve finished your bathtime experience, the indulgence doesn’t have to end. Splurge on bath towels that make you feel like you’re rubbing angel wings over your skin. Then, slide your newly moisturized feet into slippers that make you feel like your toes are being hugged.

There are few pleasures in this life. Do this one thing for yourself before you croak in your sleep like every other poor bastard out there. Then you can write “Had A Rocking Ass Bathroom” on your tombstone, and at least no one will call you unoriginal..

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Rory Gilmore

Rory Gilmore on the outside. Emily Gilmore on the inside. Email me funny shit at rory_gilmore20@yahoo.com.

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