Would I Pass A Federal Background Check?

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I work in a pretty laid-back field. Advertising agencies aren’t known for being the most corporate, professional work environment, and my agency is no different. We have a bar in the office. We wear flip-flops to meetings. When we landed our last client, our lawyers had to ask them to edit their standard contract because it referenced an enforced drug-free policy, which is not a policy we could legally abide by.

So, when I hear about people who have to jump through hoops to get their jobs, I’m intrigued. Jobs that require drug tests. Background checks. Lie detector tests. The pinnacle of these, are, of course, government jobs. The government does not fuck around with who it hires, and I’ve always wondered if I could pass one of its background checks. Then the other day, I found out that one of our readers is a Federal Background Investigator, in charge of administering background check interviews. I didn’t ask her any more questions about her job, partly because that’s CallMeVictoria’s thing, and mostly because I didn’t care that much. All I wanted was to go through the interview process and see if I would pass. My results…will probably not shock you.

1. What are your hobbies?

Drinking.

Result: Fail.

2. Are you anti-American?

Fuck no. I love America. My parents worked their ass off to make sure I was born and raised here. It’s the greatest country in the world. Are there many parts of it that are broken and need fixing? Yes. Is our current administration fucking everything up because we have an embarrassing man-baby at the helm? Also yes. But I’ll never stop loving this country, even if it means fighting to make it better.

Result: I wanted to give you a pass because you said you love America, but you would be working for the “embarrassing man-baby” and those people in power, not against them. Any anti-President answer has to be a fail.

3. Have you ever been involved in a terrorist organization?

I’ve barely been involved in any organizations, let alone a terrorist one. That sounds like a lot of hard work, and hard work isn’t really my thing.

Result: Pass.

4. Is there anything from your past that someone could blackmail you for?

No way. Not because I haven’t done anything embarrassing, or shameful, or horrifying, but simply because I don’t care if people know about it. I’m a product of an internet generation, and I willingly put all the sordid details of my life online for the world to see on a regular basis. If a sex video of me were to leak, the only thing I’d be mad about is that I’m not getting paid per view. Hell, I’d probably tag myself in it to gain followers. I’m not scared of a little fame.

Result: I would be concerned what kind of reputation you could bring to the government with your so-called “fame.” Fail.

5. What are your spending habits?

50% of my paychecks go towards my credit card and student loan debt. The rest goes towards cheap rent, cheap food, and cheap booze. Outside of that, I spend most of my money on travel and experiences. I also have a mild gambling habit, but I don’t consider that spending. It’s an investment.

Result: Fail. Gambling = big issue.

6. How would your friends and family describe you?

Funny, loyal, and a bit of a douchebag. People usually hit those three descriptors. I’ll take it.

Result: Pass.

7. How would you describe yourself?

I’m a medium-sized brunette man. Can men be brunettes? Is that just a girl thing? Whatever, I have brown hair.

Result: I was hoping for more of an intrinsic description, but pass.

8. Do you have any secrets you don’t want anyone to know?

I…I don’t like cheese. God, that feels good to get out there. I know I’m going to catch a ton of hate for this, but it just doesn’t taste good. It tastes moldy and bitter, because it is, and it smells like shit. I get my burgers with no cheese, my burritos with no cheese, and I’ll fight any waiter who tries to grind parmesan on to my pasta. The only cheese I’ll endure is Mozzarella, and really only in pizza and mozz sticks. I think I just really love tomato sauce and am willing to put up with mozzarella to get it. I like pretty much every other food (I’m iffy on mushrooms), but cheese just doesn’t do it for me. Not a fan. Should this answer be under the anti-American question?

Result: I want to fail you, but pass.

9. What are your drinking habits? How often/how much?

I binge drink 1-2 days a week and have zero alcoholic beverages on the other days. It probably averages out to a normal amount.

Result: Fail. Binge drinking = bad situations.

10. Have you ever used illicit drugs?

Just mark this one down as a fail.

Result: Fail.

11. Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?

Nope, but I don’t think that should disqualify people from any position. Seems illegal to ask, to be honest.

Result: Pass.

12. How do you determine the difference between right or wrong?

Shit, that’s a complex question. I could take the time to really psychoanalyze myself and get to the root of who I am as a person, but that sounds fucking horrible. My easiest determination is if my mom would get mad at me for doing something, it’s probably wrong. Her moral compass is rock solid.

Result: I’ll give it to you, pass.

13. Have you ever tried to overthrow the U.S. government?

No, but I’ll do my best in November.

Result: Even though everyone has the right to like or dislike who is in Office, we want to make sure we have people working in the government who support whoever the President is and are loyal to him. Fail.

14. Have you ever abused prescription drugs?

Nope. Adderall makes me boring, and Vicodin just makes me constipated. When doctors prescribe me stuff, I usually just sell it. Is that the right answer?

Result: Fail. Selling prescription drugs is a federal crime.

15. Have you ever had police involvement in a foreign country?

I ran away from the Mexican police after I grabbed my friend’s passport (which I had been using to get my underage ass into the Cabo clubs) out of their hands. My 17-year-old high school athlete ass torched them in flip-flops. So yes, I guess technically I committed a felony in a foreign country, but only to retrieve American documentation and ensure that American citizens garnered safe passage back to their home country. I should get a pass for being a patriot.

Result: Yeaaah…fail.

16. Do you have any contact with foreign nationals?

Does that just mean people who live here without being citizens? I have family members and friends on green cards, so, yes, I contact them often.

Result: This is a tricky one, but without asking you more in-depth questions about it, the safe answer would be a fail. Having contact with foreign nationals could make the government question whether your loyalty is to America or elsewhere.

17. Do you know any illegal immigrants? 

No, but I sure as hell wouldn’t tell you if I did.

Result: I’ll pretend you just said no and give you a pass.

So, would I pass a Federal Background Check? I’ll just let the professional answer that.

You failed 11/17. I probably wouldn’t give you a security clearance as you seem to pose too much of a risk to the federal government. Fail.

Definitely the most badass thing anyone has ever said about me. I’m adding “Was deemed a risk to the federal government” to my resume. Hopefully, I never need to find a job in a different field. .

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com

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