World Golf Rankings Based On Who I’d Like To Party With

5. Miguel Angel Jimenez

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Sure, his appearance is sleaze-level black, but don’t tell me you’re not fascinated with this dude. First, his nickname is The Mechanic, which just sounds badass. Jimenez became a legend of sorts after his wild-ass warmup session — which features him doing some unholy gyrations, often with a cigar — received national media attention:

Seriously, what’s going on there? He’s dangerously close to hitting the stanky legg and a crip walk at the same time. I’m not sure if that’s ever acceptable, but he does it and he pulls it off. Sure, he’s never won a major, but he came in fourth at 2014 Masters at age fifty. Most fifty-year-olds I know are being treated for low-T, not posting top-five finished at Augusta. You know this man parties. Maybe he doesn’t speak the best English (or any at all), but that shouldn’t matter. He’s just one of those guys who probably picks up the tab everywhere he goes and takes it personally when people aren’t having as good of a time as he is. Respect The Mechanic.

4. John Peterson

Everything I know about this dude is via the miracle of Twitter (@JohnPetersonLSU). “PGA Tour. Former NCAA Champion. If I could get paid to hunt, id be doin that.” Yeah, that’s John’s Twitter bio. Solid. Although John still maintains a relatively low profile on the Tour, he recently burst onto the scene here at Grandex after exchanging Twitter banter with noted TFM writers @WRBolen (dude’s verified) and @RogerJDorn. This young gun is really turning some heads.

John is an alumnus of Louisiana State University, which leads me to conclude that this dude throws down much harder than I do. True story: I once took a little road trip down to Baton Rouge for LSU-South Carolina. It was pouring rain and miserable. I walked into the stadium and before I even got to my seat, some wonderfully intoxicated nineteen-year-old girl leaned over a railing and blew chunks all over me from about forty feet above me. Never got her name, but we basically hooked up. Back to John. If you browse his Twitter feed, you’ll see that John enjoys blasting birds, supporting our military, and hanging out with dogs. I support all of these activities, as does anyone I consider a friend. Look for a big year out of John, both on and off the course.

Double Fisting

3. Jason Dufner

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No surprise to anyone. This former PGA Champion proved that you can reach Cutler levels of indifference and still win majors. Dufner gives hope to all of us who seek to excel in our careers without looking like a try-hard. Dufner caught my eye as someone I’d probably like to rage with at the 2011 Waste Management Phoenix Open. Sure, his game looked good and he finished second, but what caught my eye was the in-your-face hog leg he was sporting in his bottom lip. “Is that what I think it is, or does this dude have some kind of condition that I shouldn’t be commenting on?” I thought to myself. Seriously, I haven’t seen that much Copenhagen stuffed into a bottom lip since hell week. (He deserved it for looking an active in the eye.) Also, in case you didn’t know this, Jason married up (see below). Nice. I’d relish the chance to strike out with Mrs. Dufner’s hot friends. (Updated April 28, 2016: They are now divorced.)

2. Phil Mickelson

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Oh, sweet Lefty. The guy is so good with the media, but I don’t buy any of that shit. Phil has the look of a phenomenal bullshitter, and any respectable man has at least one of these guys in his inner circle. He’s in his forties and still sports a top-tier frat shag. Have to respect that. After Phil won The Open Championship at Muirfield in 2013, he celebrated by pounding a $40,000 bottle of wine out of the Claret Jug. Dude clearly goes big. And we can’t forget about my favorite Phil vice: his penchant for wagering on anything and everything. The great Paul Azinger told the story of a friendly game of Hammer featuring Paul, the late Payne Stewart, Ben Crenshaw, and Phil (power foursome) which culminated with ‘Zinger telling Phil to “putt it, bitch” as Phil stood over a fifteen footer worth sixteen hundred bones. Phil obliged, and he drained the putt. This is the kind of guy you max out with. Ninety-nine percent of the time, you’re going to get a polished, grown man wearing a high-brim visor, but there’s that 1 percent of the time where Phil may go off and do something completely reckless. You need that element.

1. John Daly Hooters GOD

Because of course. I don’t care what his golf game looks like currently, and I don’t care whether he’s slimmed down and sober. John is major winning legend who blasts cigs on the course and does not give a fuck that he’s playing bogey golf on national television. Not including John on this list would be like doing another Ghostbusters movie with an all female cast. It’s just something that shouldn’t happen. Hey, here’s John doing an interview shirtless for some reason:

Let’s not forget John’s ties to everyone’s favorite post-round dirtbag establishment, Hooters. How many people can say they’ve been sponsored by Hooters? I bet he got free calendars every year. Also, back in 2008, John was arrested after being asked to leave a North Carolina Hooters for being intoxicated and uncooperative. Who hasn’t been there? If you haven’t been asked to leave Hooters at least once, you’re soft. Still have doubts about this ranking? Here’s JD with Barry Switzer. Notice the shorts and overall badass demeanor.

I don’t know if this Razorback is partying much these days, but if given the chance to slam Kentucky Deluxe and listen to John tell stories of the glory days, then I’m taking it.

Image via L.E.MORMILE / / photogolfer

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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