Why’s Everyone Scared To Order Dessert?

Why's Everyone Scared To Order Dessert?

I’ve always been a big sweets guy. Chocolate is my heroin, Peanut M&Ms are the food I’d want if stranded on a desert island, and I literally make sexual noises when eating a good cheesecake.

My life has been spent viewing every meal as just a vehicle for dessert. The entree you’re eating is only as good as the sweet offering you get to consume after it. Even breakfast doesn’t escape from being a haven for sugarbombs, as some of the best breakfast dishes (french toast, cinnamon rolls, donuts) have a dessert flair.

Being all-in on dessert isn’t for everyone, as not everyone has the same craving. Some may be lukewarm on it with “Oh yeah sometimes a little treat goes well at the end of a meal,” but I had chocolate pumped into me in the womb. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn’t realize that everyone didn’t worship dessert until I was already a man.

However, I know I’m not the only one who loves to quench that urge after every meal; after every dinner at the very least. This shouldn’t change when going out for a group meal at a restaurant.

It’s a concerning trend in this country that going out to dinner with a group usually ends after the main course. That’s like sitting through The Godfather without watching the baptism scene. While I know dinner with my girlfriend culminates in a “split” dessert (I’m eating at least 80% of it), group dinners just don’t seem to play by the same rules.

You know the chain of events like clockwork. Everyone is resting their silverware on mostly empty plates as the waiter comes by to ask “Would anyone like to look at the dessert menu?” Right away a member of your group replies “Nope we’re ready for the checks, separately…wait, I guess I’ll be getting his too….yeah I’m sure you’ll fucking Venmo me back Steve.”

Bullshit like this needs to stop. Not the guy who forgets his wallet and says he’ll Venmo you. No, running away from dessert like the plague. Some of us need it to stay sane.

Maybe head of the table guy and a few others don’t have the climax of the meal on their radar. Me though? I’ve been staring at that chocolate lava cake licking my chops. Hell, that fried cookie dough has me sweating like Sean Spicer after a Trump tweetstorm. I’m not the only one who lives their life like this; we have to stop waving off dessert like it’s a hobo coming to clean your windshield.

“Just say you want dessert you whiny bitch.” Listen here person saying that in your head, it’s not that easy. I care about other people’s feelings and wishes. You don’t wanna be that guy stuffing cheesecake down his throat when everyone else at the table was hoping to have left 15 minutes ago. Frankly, I just don’t have the gumption to start the dessert train.

That being said, the second someone starts saying “Is anyone thinking about ordering des..” I blurt in with the “Did you guys see the dessert sampler, I think I’m going with that although I might just go for that triple chocolate cake instead, has anyone seen the waiter, Jesus where is that guy, I need to order.” Hell, even an espresso to cap off a meal can do it for me. I just need something.

Again, I’m not the only one. Essentially it’s the same concept as that first guy ordering a beer at the office lunch. As soon as someone mentions something possibly taboo, people start flying out of the woodwork in support. Remember two years ago when shitting all over Justin Bieber was commonplace, but now praising everything he touches as fire is the norm? We need that for group dinner dessert.

The goal for those dining together as a group should be to get dessert to come out of the closet and be accepted as a regular thing. It needs to be a habit at every meal, just like tipping AT LEAST 20%, because anything less and you’re a monster.

The group needs to nod yes in unison when asked about dessert menus, not just push your plate a bit further away and say “Oh none for me, I’m stuffed!” Guess what? I’m far from stuffed. I saved room for the good stuff, because thinking ahead is the name of the game.

Chocoholics shouldn’t have to sit silently praying that the D-word gets mentioned when entrees are wrapping up. A meal isn’t truly over until all prospective consumers of dessert have had their fix. It’s time to put dessert lovers first. Make dessert great again.

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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