Why You Need To Start Littering

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Hear me out, folks. You need to start littering. Take your garbage, untie it, and throw it in the street. Spread it out real nice. Banana peels, food scraps, cleaning products — hell, even used motor oil. Throw them all out.

I’ll wait. Have you done it yet? No? I’ll wait a little longer. Are you environmentalists still not sold yet? Fine. I’ll try my best to sell you.

It Creates Jobs

My mother always told me as a kid that I needed to clean up my own messes, but as I got older, I learned that there are people everywhere who are paid to clean up my messes. For example, whenever I go to a restaurant, I make sure that everyone at my table leaves it in a sheer disaster. I mean, post-Katrina levels of disaster. Since there’s a huge mess, someone has to clean it up, and that someone happens to be a busboy. By leaving my table a mess, the busboy is going to have to take extra time to clean my table exclusively. In turn, he will not be able to take care of his tables, and the restaurant is going to have to either hire another busboy or suffer the consequences of a bad Yelp review from this guy.

Similarly, whenever I am walking around in public, I make no attempt to throw anything in a trash can. The ground is as good a place as any for my garbage. Once that trash hits the pavement, the city is going to have to pay someone to pick it up. BOOM! Another job created by yours truly. Because of my efforts, our friend Mike who works for the city, who is going through his second divorce and is struggling to pay his daughter’s college tuition, has a job. More importantly, it’s a job that pays money and has a government pension. The last time I checked, money is needed to make purchases which drive our materialistic economy. Milton Friedman would be proud.

Oh, you couldn’t find a local e-waste facility in your area? That’s okay, just toss that old computer that is full of viruses from all that music you illegally downloaded over the years to the curb. Someone is bound to come and pick it up eventually. I get those damn e-waste flyers posted on my door at least twice a month anyway, so I trust they’ll take care of it.

You Will Feel Liberated

When I’m dumping an old Wendy’s bag full of garbage out of the side of my car, I have this tremendous feeling of stimulation and enjoyment that can only be compared to what a dog must feel like when you scratch his belly and his leg starts to kick. Maybe it’s because I am more or less dead on the inside, but it’s the little victories in my life that get me through the day. Littering provides me with the dopamine dump I need, that I used to get from the unhealthy amounts of alcohol and nicotine I used to consume in my earlier years. It keeps me feeling alive and young.

People Will Think You’re A Badass

I have a challenge for you. The next time you finish your $5 footlong (which now costs $5.99) I dare you to stand up from your table, wad your trash into a ball, and just toss it over your shoulder and walk away. I personally guarantee that this is the real-life equivalent to the moment in movies when the antagonist walks away from an exploding building in slow motion. You deserve it, so don’t let anyone take this glorious moment away from you. We didn’t climb our way to the top of the food chain to put our waste in designated areas.

There you have it, everybody. This is the beginning of a movement for social and economic change. I need everyone’s help to make this work. I have been doing my part for the past twenty-four years. Now it’s on you, the public, to step up to the plate..

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