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I hear it all the time. “You’re 25, it’s about time you bring a girl around for the holidays.” “You have a good job, why not a wife?” We’ve all heard this crap, but it’s nothing new, of course. Hell, it’s even in the opening line of Pride and Prejudice. And I can only imagine how much worse it is for those of you who are a few years older than me. No matter how many times I hear it, I give the same response: “Just haven’t met the right person yet,” even though Chris Christie is closer to giving up M&Ms than I am to even consider settling down. I think the people asking me confuse my irritation with sadness, because they inevitably follow up with words of encouragement: “Don’t lose hope, you’ll find the one soon enough.”
I hate hearing people talk about “the one.” Growing up, my parents used the phrase fairly often when describing the type of woman I would settle down with when I am ready for marriage – gorgeous, smart, successful, loyal, madly in love with me, etc. I’m sure many of you had the exact same experience. We see it in TV shows and movies: nice guy meets hot girl but hot girl is with someone who is obviously wrong for her. Girl realizes the error of her ways and sees the nice guy for what he really is: a soulmate, the one, or whatever you want to call it. Change up the sexes, add or subtract love interests, and you basically have a plot for half of what has been on TV and movies for the last bajillion years.
But there’s one glaring problem: there is no such thing as “the one.”
We’ve been told otherwise our whole lives. Why? Because it’s easier for a parent to tell their heartbroken high schooler that they got cheated on because that person isn’t “the one” than to suggest that ignoring your boyfriend will cause him look for attention elsewhere. It’s easier to tell yourself that your ex-girlfriend banged her personal trainer because she is a slut, and therefore not “the one,” rather than blame at the 40 pounds you gained since you entered the relationship. “The one” is a convenient lie we tell ourselves so we don’t have to confront our culpability in unpleasant romantic situations. Besides, “happily ever after” makes for a much cleaner ending for TV shows and rom-coms than “and they made sacrifices for each other every day of their relationship and kept in shape and communicated to work through their problems and went through periodic bouts of resentment but pulled through and eventually reached a happy medium ever after.”
This isn’t to say that every relationship that goes south is entirely your fault. Maybe you didn’t do anything wrong and you broke up due to circumstances beyond your control. But if you find yourself consistently looking outwards for explanations as to why you still haven’t achieved your goals (in this case a significant other), maybe it’s time to look inward.
Belief in the idea of “the one” breeds complacency. If you believe that all you have to do is keep the faith until your soulmate shows up and loves you, warts and all, then there is very little incentive to improve yourself. Why should I hit the gym to drop the inner tube if I know my own ScarJo clone is waiting in the wings to love me forever? Why should I work the extra hours at the office to be noticed by the partners for when I inevitably want to join their ranks if I know that my future Mrs. Winger will be happy with me no matter what job I have? At its heart, the idea of waiting for “the one” embraces a strong a sense of entitlement: “I’m entitled to marry the woman of my dreams because… that’s what I’ve been told all my life.” Reality has a way of proving this belief wrong, but that’s the problem with beliefs – they often persist despite reality’s insistence otherwise.
The concept of “the one” also skews how we should view relationships. Your significant other isn’t the final puzzle piece of your life that promises everlasting happiness and consistent sex (was that redundant?). They aren’t the cure-all for your insecurities and anxieties. Call me old-fashioned, but I think a significant other is someone to whom you should give your best self, not someone who you expect to accept you no matter what. GSElevator said it well: “My wife would leave me if I lost my money. And I’ll trade her in if she gets fat.” Sure it’s crass satire, but the underlying principle is sound: why should someone choose to be with you if you aren’t the best version of yourself?
At the risk of sounding like an Instagram model, it’s incredibly important to find your happiness and fulfillment from within yourself, and most especially not from “the one.” It took a breakup several months ago for me to finally realize that. The moment you make your happiness dependent another person, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. After all, no human can possibly live up to the idealized version of “the one” that has been built up in our heads over the years, so the sooner we disabuse ourselves of the notion, the better. And you know what? I’ve been much happier since I learned that and began focusing on improving myself and spending time with the people I care about: friends and family. And if all else fails, look to Chris Christie for inspiration: M&Ms never disappointed anyone..
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“I’m a simple guy, I like pretty dark haired women and breakfast foods” -Ron Swanson
God I love Seinfeld
Sup
Eh, I’m not Wilt Chamberlain, but I pulled my share in my time, and when I met “the one” I lost interest in chasing more women. I’m not saying angels came down and played harps and shit, but hopefully at some point you’ll be in a relationship where she doesn’t bug the shit out of you half the time and you don’t feel like you should be out trying to do better.
Or maybe not. I dunno.
Completely agree. The only thing I took away from the article is that the author was led to believe he didn’t have to try because “the one” would love him regardless. I find it to be the opposite. Once I met my husband 5 years ago, I always wanted to be the best version of myself. That’s how I knew the others weren’t “the one” because they weren’t in my corner, helping me to achieve my dreams and picking me up when I fell. And vice versa. It’s not to say we don’t get comfortable, but it really is a whole different reality when “the one” comes swooping in and everything falls into place.
I am deeply saddened for anybody that hasn’t gotten to experience that feeling.
I used to think that until I met Carrie. Just find yourself a babe that can support you financially and doesn’t care when you get fat
Anyone who’s ever been in a long term relationship can say that the sex is far from consistent and usually only happens if both parties are miraculously horny at the same time.
What I’m trying to say is I jack off way too much for someone my age.
Man, I have a brutal hangover and can’t decide if this is exactly what I want to hear right now or the exact opposite. Good read either way.
I agree but I also think there is more to it. I think you have a number of different people who could be the one. I met my fiancé because I transferred schools, and knew a buddy who introduced us. There are several ways that could have worked out differently and I would have never met my fiancé. And I believe I still would have found “the one”.
There are billions of people out there and the concept that a single one is the only one is nonsense.
100% agree. Great read
Everyone listen up, this person is correct on every level. The only “one” you’re gonna find is the person who can deal with your awfulness and the smell of your farts and other stuff for enough time to be able to collect the life insurance money once you die. Kids are just a distraction to this fact. Your goal in life should be to be so kind to everyone in hopes that you become a beneficiary because this world is run by money and nothing else and the sooner you understand this, the sooner you’ll start taking better care of yourself so you can outlive everyone else and collect those insurance checks.
Hitting deep on a Wednesday morning. I like it.
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
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