I’m Done Recycling

I'm Done Recycling

Recycling is not really a divisive topic in developed countries. In the third and second world, it’s an afterthought. I think aside from the buffoons who subscribe to the Sarah Palin ideology that global warming is a farce, people agree that recycling is a good thing. We’re shredding massive holes in the o-zone every day by refusing to recycle, and apparently that’s something that is impossible to repair. In my home state of Michigan, there’s an incentive to do this.

“Run on down to your local Meijer or Kroger and get 10 cents back for every can or bottle you’ve got. Awesome!”

A sizable portion of the booze I drank for five years in college can be attributed to recycling bottles and cans for a case of Busch Light and/or a handle of Crystal Palace vodka. Everyone would, of course, bitch and moan about how gross Crystal Palace is until about thirty minutes into a drinking session and all of sudden every motherfucker at the party is asking me for another shot. That’s not the point.

Since moving to Chicago, I’ve noticed a total disregard for recycling, and you know what? I don’t even care. I’m on Team Fuck Recycling for life. And it’s for one very simple, albeit selfish reason. Any environmental effect that refusing to recycle is doing to this planet is not going to affect me. I’ll be dead and gone by the time the world is worrying about how to make a new ozone and what to do with all of those giant trash islands in the ocean. It’s a hassle to recycle in the city. They don’t have bottle return machines at the grocery stores. You actually have to drive to a designated recycling center. Put that at number two, right below dry cleaning, on my list of things I’m far too lazy to do.

Do you really care what happens to the world after you’re dead? Or are you just saying that to appease the part of your brain that has a conscience? Wake up, sheeple. The number of people who don’t recycle vastly outnumbers the group of people who have those stupid boxes to throw their newspapers into every week. If you really think we can reverse the literal hole we’ve opened up in the ozone, you’re a bigger idiot than that rapper B.o.B. who thinks that the earth is flat. I also have no idea if Bob is right or wrong on that topic, I’m just going off of what Neil deGrasse Tyson says. The bottom line is no one has time to recycle, and the damage has already been done. Enjoy your life without having to worry about which container that can of Bud Light is getting thrown into.

The people who say I’m an idiot for not recycling are the same people who think that the general population has a say in who is elected President. You want to recycle, more power to you. Some people care about the future. But I’m looking out for Numero Uno. Take your Tevas, herbal tea, and cardboard infused, non-GMO kale salad to California where everything is rainbows and butterflies. I think you can get refunds on your cans and bottles there. Not like it’s going to save you when California breaks off of the continental United States, but if helps you sleep better at night thinking that you can make a difference, go for it. I’ll go as far to say that even if I was still living in Michigan or California or any other state that gave people an incentive to recycle, I still wouldn’t do it. I’ve got enough problems right now without tacking on a personal mission to save the environment.

Fuck recycling. Stay woke.

Image via Shutterstock

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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