Why Ghosting Gets You Nowhere, From A Recovering Ghoster

Why Ghosting Gets You Nowhere, From A Recovering Ghoster

I don’t consider myself to be an asshole. I may have some aggressive tendencies at times, but overall I would call myself a really nice guy. So nice that it’s gotten me screwed over from time to time. So nice that I hate conflict and avoid it at all costs. So nice that I hate hurting people’s feelings. So nice that I became a professional at ghosting.

I’m sure people have all kinds of excuses for ghosting. Some people just genuinely are jerks and enjoy messing with someone’s head, some people aren’t good with emotions so they don’t know how to properly break something off, some people suck at communicating and some people (me) just hate conflict. The paradox of this is by trying to not hurt someone’s feelings, I end up hurting them even more by ghosting.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t know the term “ghosting” until I fell in love with this website. But just because I didn’t know the term doesn’t mean I wasn’t a pro at it. I had gotten so good at just disappearing that I could write a playbook. I know ghosting better than Lane Kiffin knows how to break down a defense (and how to break up a marriage). Let me break down the ghosting process.

I would meet someone and begin talking to them. A lot of people don’t like to text much and find out everything on a date, but that’s not my flow. I want to know before so maybe I can save myself some time (and money) and avoid the date. Here’s the part where my awful personality starts to play a role. I am an analyst. I pay attention to things normal people don’t see. I’m actually probably really annoying and my friends all hate me, but I just love overthinking, analyzing and jumping to some big conclusion. I have a bad habit of picking through a person until I find something I don’t like. Most look for all the good in someone they are interested in, but I go straight for the flaws. Once I find enough of those things to cancel out what little interest I already had, then I just stop talking to the person. I may carry on some small conversation for a couple days with a word or two, but that’s it. No snaps back, no texts, nothing from me.

Wow, maybe I am an asshole.

Hear me out. I don’t just stop communicating to be a jerk. I do it to not be a jerk. That is another human being whose feelings I don’t want to hurt. What am I supposed to do? Tell them that I don’t want to talk to them anymore because of certain flaws I found? Yeah, that would make me seem real nice. “Not only do I not want to talk to you anymore, but I have zero interest because of flaw A, flaw B, and definitely flaw C.” Sorry, that’s not my style.

I had finally met this beautiful girl who was pretty much perfect on paper. I couldn’t find anything wrong with her, and eventually we planned to go hiking together. Guess who didn’t go? This asshole. Now it’s my fault for agreeing to hike at 6 a.m. the morning after a wedding and I also had coaching commitments that afternoon, but I still had cold feet. Instead of saying “Hey you’re perfect, but I’m a big sissy that’s scared to get into anything,” I just said I couldn’t make it. This is when I finally realized that I was the problem.

Ghosting doesn’t just affect the ghostee, but also the ghoster. I’m here to tell you that ghosting gets you nowhere in life. I’m speaking from experience. After years of being some jerk-off ghoster, I realized that maybe I was the problem. Maybe I shouldn’t be such an asshole and look for people’s flaws when I have a million of my own. Maybe I shouldn’t be scared to just be upfront and honest with people. Maybe I should be a normal, civil human. Ghosting is not the way to go. Our generations sucks enough as is, so there’s no need to make it worse. Stop disappearing and just be honest. Ghosting only makes life more difficult.

Oh, the girl that was too good to be true? She gave me a second chance and now I got a pretty sweet girlfriend. Guys, stop ghosting.

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Just a big dude from Virginia who loves Dale Earnhardt, guns, and eating red meat.

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