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Y’all remember when weekends used to be just about fun? You’d get out of class on Thursday and have nothing to do but drink until Sunday night. No chores. No errands. No bullshit. Well, those days are long behind you now. Now, Saturdays are for bed, bath, and beyond. Being an adult means that your precious weekend time must be used for stuff you failed to get done during the week. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t combine those tasks with some alcoholic beverages and make them, if not fun, then at least tolerable. Here’s your guide to which drinks pair best with which chore.
Mowing the lawn and Coors Light
Mowing the lawn is hot, sweaty work. Between the strain of pull-starting your shitty mower, dragging it around the grass, and breathing in hot exhaust under the summer sun, you need something to cool you down. And what cools you off better than an ice cold Coors Light? Scientifically proven to be colder than all other beverages, this is the only choice to drink while bitching about your HOA and why you ever decided to buy a house in the first place. Plus, mowing requires little to no mental effort or hand-eye coordination, so you can slam as many of these bad boys as you want without affecting your work.
Watching your kid play sports and Vodka-Sprite
Parents, can you be honest with me for a second? I know your kid is, like, the love of your life, and you support them in all they do, and they’re special and talented and magical and everything. But watching them play sports is boring as fuck. Right? Come on. And if your kid is under ten, I’m using the word “sport” pretty loosely. No way are you truly captivated watching your child eat dandelion in the outfield or take 25 minutes to lightly tap a soccer ball ten yards.
Luckily, I have a solution. Vodka-Sprite. It’s versatile, it’s low-calorie, and most importantly, it just looks like a Sprite. Sure, everyone knows you’re tipsy when you start heckling the ref or yelling “just fucking kick it” at your first-grader, but no one can prove anything when you could just be drinking a refreshing soft drink. Just remember to bring the orange slices (and share some with the kids, I guess).
Going to Ikea and Whiskey Coke
If you’re going to the hellish, relationship-destroying maze that is Ikea, you need to be prepared. If you go in sober, you’re going to find yourself crying into a plate of meatballs over your failed marriage faster than you can say LANDSKRONATM Sectional Sofa. No. To survive this ordeal, you must get properly loaded. That’s why I recommend a Whiskey Coke, and I’m not talking about the carbonated beverage. That’s right. Drink four shots of whiskey and rip a line of cocaine off the dashboard of your 2014 Toyota Sienna, then storm that blue warehouse like you’re a dark angel descending on Valhalla.
You and your partner should be a whirlwind of energy and activity. Push little kids out of the way. Fight other couples for the last dining table. Buy one thousand $1 picture frames. Fuck that Ikea right in its fucking ass for ever thinking it could get the best of you. Then let your furniture sit, half-built, in your guest bedroom for the next fifteen weeks, as is tradition.
Parent-Teacher Conferences and Wine.
If you think you can handle a parent-teacher conference sober, be my guest. An hour of some woman four years your junior using peppiness and cheer to disguise how much she’s shit talking your kid? Criticizing their learning skills? Criticizing your parenting abilities? Fuck no. You can’t handle that without several glasses of your favorite second-shelf-from-the-bottom red blend. Drink enough where you won’t get butthurt when the teacher tells you your kid is “a distraction,” but not so much that you’ll end up sobbing on a tiny desk about your failure as a parent.
Shoveling snow and Whiskey
Ahh, snow shoveling. The winter version of mowing your lawn, yet worse, of course, because winter is the worst thing that’s ever existed. Your gut instinct will be to warm up with a Hot Toddy or Irish Coffee, but that’s a rookie move. That warm drink will soon turn cold, and all it’s doing is taking up valuable real estate in your stomach that could be filled with more booze. Pound whiskey until you can’t feel the numbness, both in your feet and in your soul (from choosing to buy a house in a geographical area that gets snow). Drink until you can barely stand, and then get out there and shovel like a fucking madman. Fuck the snow. Wait — put your dick away. Don’t literally fuck the snow. Goddamnit, you’re too drunk. Go inside before the neighbors see you.
House cleaning and Water
Cleaning your house is a delicate, yet grueling task and the last thing you need to do is add alcohol to it. Instead, you should be chugging water, because the Adderall you took is giving you dry-mouth like a motherfucker. If you thought your days of abusing this prescription drug were over, you were dead wrong. You now have more to do and less energy to do it with. If anything, Addies should be marketed towards the adult crowd. Fuck kids, they have it easy. What do they need this shit for? Take an extended release and spend all Sunday cleaning the house and hating yourself. You’re now an adult..