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On Friday, Esquire’s Dave Holmes wrote a piece about the etiquette around timeliness in today’s modern society. Now, I’m a fan of Dave Holmes. He was runner up on MTV’s Wanna Be a VJ, the host of the FX show DVD’s on Ten (which went the way of the dodo bird shortly before DVDs themselves did) and he’s currently Writer-At-Large at Esquire. Needless to say, he’s lasted in show business longer than most and he’s a respected author and personality. Which is why I take so much pleasure in pointing out how wrong he is.
Airports:
”I allow for extra TSA time, now that the whole world has signed up for Pre-Check. But more importantly, we live in the age of the Vino Volo, so I give myself at least an hour to indulge in an airport’s true purpose: guilt-free day-drinking and casual flirtation with business travelers.
THE RIGHT TIME IS TWO HOURS BEFORE DEPARTURE.”
JR’s advice: If I showed up two hours early for every flight I took I would just move into the terminal fulltime ala Viktor Navorski. I agree with the assessment that basically every person in the world has TSA Pre-Check now, but with the amount I travel I’m not spending a single second extra in the SFOs, ORDs, EWR’s and LAX’s of the world if I don’t have to. He likes to give himself an hour to sit at airport bars, get a buzz on and flirt with other fliers? What happened to loading up on prescription drugs, dangerously mixing them with booze during your flight and waking up somewhere in the taxi line in the city of your destination? The correct answer is you arrive at the airport one hour before your flight takes off. Gives you 30 minutes to get through security and you should be able to get right in the boarding line once you’re through.
Weddings:
”No wedding has ever run on time, but it doesn’t matter. It is part of the social contract: you must show up ahead of time. You will be bored in fancy clothing, but it is a kindness you must do the couple. THE RIGHT TIME IS TEN MINUTES BEFORE THE SCHEDULED TIME.”
JR’s advice: Be early for a wedding. Don’t be ten minutes early for a wedding. Every other couple will have arrived 30 minutes before you to take pictures for the ‘gram, and you’ll end up in the last row staring directly into the sun. By the way, the best part of weddings is that you get to wear fancy clothing and act a fool. As long as you’re not at a religious wedding the ceremony will be done in less than 20 and you can make a beeline for the bar. The correct answer is you arrive 20 minutes before the scheduled time of the ceremony. Suck it up and don’t bail to watch the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight.
Concerts:
”THE RIGHT TIME, ALWAYS, IS 9:15 pm.”
JR’s advice: Wrong. The right time always varies. Do a quick Google search to see how many openers there are and if the venue/city you’re seeing the concert in has a sound ordinance. For example, SF has a strict 11 p.m. sound ordinance cut off. If I’m seeing a show in the city that has a 7:30 start time printed on the tickets, I’ll usually show up at 8:30 p.m. That gives the headliner or whoever I’m seeing 2+ hours. If I catch some of the opener so be it. Exceptions include: Guns ‘n Roses, Dave Chappelle and Kanye West
Job Interviews:
”Your potential employer is in a meeting, or busy in her office, or otherwise engaged. Your efforts at being a Bright Young Thing will be noticed, if at all, by only the person working the reception desk, and that person would rather be alone. THE RIGHT TIME IS ALWAYS RIGHT ON TIME.”
JR’s advice: If you try to be “right on time” for a job interview you’re guaranteed to be late. Who cares that the person interviewing you won’t notice? You’re not there early for them. You’re there early for you. You want to get to the block your future job is on at least ten minutes early so you can duck into a Starbucks. Order a bottle of water, take a nervous dump in the bathroom and check in with the receptionist five minutes before your interview start time. By the way, “the person working the reception desk would rather be alone?” You’re not there to inconvenience them – you’re there to crush this job interview. Maybe if they’d gone to college they wouldn’t be a receptionist.
Dinner Reservations:
”THE RIGHT TIME IS FIVE MINUTES AFTER THE SCHEDULED TIME.”
JR’s advice: Dave’s justification is that you can be slightly flexible with your reservation time, but you don’t want to abuse it too much in danger of losing your table. The answer here is simple. Whatever time you want to eat at the restaurant is the time you show up. Just make sure you and whoever you’re eating with have multiple reservations under different names at various times throughout the night. This way you can each call and move your reservation up or down as you see fit. I’ll admit I’m a real piece of shit.
First Date:
”You are both trying to be nonchalant, and only one of you will get to be the one who makes an Entrance. The one who makes an Entrance might as well be you. I say show up at the restaurant twelve minutes late, and scan the place carefully, with the certainty that you are being watched. Really relish that entrance. THE RIGHT TIME IS SEVEN TO TWELVE MINUTES AFTER THE SCHEDULED TIME.”
JR’s advice: “Fashionably late” stopped being a thing in 2005 with the advent of social media and text messaging. Dave seems to think every first date is a scene out of an NBC half hour dramedy, and he’s the main character. Be a halfway decent human being, arrive 12 minutes EARLY, grab a table and ask your date via text message what they’d like to drink. Jesus Christ, get over yourself.
Parties:
”THE RIGHT TIME IS ONE HOUR AFTER THE SCHEDULED TIME”
JR’s advice: Don’t go to parties, parties are fucking stupid..
Image via Shutterstock
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Your dinner reservation timing advice is outrageous but I love it.
I’m probs weird but I️ love the airport. Grab a drink or coffee and people watch/read for a couple hours and watch planes. Planes are cool.
Go to the airport every week for three years and check back in with us
You can’t make me.
I️ usually take the cable company approach to everything which consists of me telling the other people or places that I’ll be there between the hours of 8am and 5pm
I also like to adopt their approach of saying I’ll be there between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. and just never showing up. No call or notice of any kind; just go AWOL. It’s not like anything actually matters.
You are correct, sir. Going AWOL is my strategy for when I’m ready to stop being a member of society
Get to a job interview early and strike up a conversation with the receptionist. You can get a lot of information in those 15 minutes if you do it right.
Do people really show up that late to a concert? I love listening to the opening bands, especially if they are good, it will get you pumped up for the headliner.
I show up before doors open for most of the shows I go to. I want to be right up front and love seeing the opening bands too. Showing up after the music has started would stress me out.
There is nothing I hate more in this world than the front row of a concert
Catch me at the back not getting my knees blown out by high school teenyboppers
I have to be early or on time for everything. I hate when people are late
I’m always super early to airports because I’m a nervous flying and don’t need the rush of anxiety that is the fear of missing my flight. The usual plan is get there about 1.5-2 hours before departure (less if I’m flying Southwest), take my time going through security and spend any extra time chilling at the lounge with free food/alcohol.
There’s nothing more exhilarating than giving yourself 35 minutes to get through security and to your gate.
Get TSA Precheck and you can do all of that in 10 minutes or less
Former receptionist here…I was always asked post-interview what time the candidate arrived, how they presented themselves, and my general impressions of them and that factored into their final decision. So diss the receptionist at your own risk.
I had a candidate who was rude to the receptionist once and I shredded her resume as soon as I heard about it
On the flip side, also had a candidate who tried to hug the receptionist, and that shit also got shredded
Well yeah what kind of psycho does that shit?
Agree with all of these except first dates. You will exclusively find me showing up to first dates between 5 and 7 minutes late
Why?
Because I’d rather show up second and not have to think about where we sit or worry about being stood up.. Plus if you’re there second then they are the one that makes the move whether we hug or not when first meeting
If you’re being stood up you still showed up first technically, but the hug decision is a stressful one so i see where you’re coming from
Wait – why is this a hard decision? Seriously. Giving a hug at the beginning of a first date is the easiest way out there to cross the touching barrier and set the tone for the rest of the evening.
Because I am literally 5 foot tall which makes hugging most people awkward.. Plus if one person is already seated it can be super awkward to stand up and move away from the bar etc. etc.
Fortunately for our friend here she doesn’t have to make that decision
So if the other person is seated, they explicitly point out having to get up/it being sorta awkward and laugh it off. As a result, in the first 30 seconds, you’ve already touched each other and had a laugh together.
I️ show up early for dates. That way in case my hair somehow got destroyed in the car or something I️ get a second to run to the bathroom and make sure I️ look stellar and then I️ just chill at the bar. Always prefer to be first.
If you don’t have Sky Club or Admiral’s Lounge or some shit, then you’re doing frequent traveller all wrong. Free drinks and a false sense of superiority? Yes please