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Despite my carefully curated Twitter persona of sarcasm with a splash of bitchiness, I am actually an eternally optimistic person. I tend to want to believe the best in people, that it will all work out in the end, and that everything happens for a reason. I am a goddamn Pollyanna, and I’m proud of it.
As such, I tend to have a rather sunshine-and-rainbows approach to dating. For a long time, I’ve considered this to be a rather sane alternative to the doom-and-gloom outlook of many of my friends. Instead of freaking out when a guy doesn’t text me back and spiraling down the dark hole of questioning my own lovability, I try and go “he’ll text eventually,” (and if he doesn’t, fuck him) and move on with my day. Please note I said try, because I’ve certainly visited the bottom of that dark hole more than once in my time — I may be optimistic, but I’m not a feelingless robot.
Because of this rose-colored-glasses view of the world, I tend of fall into a trap when it comes to relationships. One that, I’m discovering, many of my lady friends (and even some of my dude friends) are also felled by. This entrapment? The belief that when someone tells us that they aren’t looking for something serious, we can change their mind.
Let’s read that again: We believe that when someone tells us that they aren’t looking for something serious, we can change their mind. We spend years looking for someone that we can be in an honest relationship with, and yet we literally want to believe that one of the first things our current potential mate tells us is a lie. How fucked up is that?
Why do we do this to ourselves, fellow romantics? Well, partially, it’s because it’s hard to believe that when we reach a point in our lives that we are finally looking for something serious, fate would screw with us by introducing us to someone we actually like enough to want to spend time with, both naked and clothed, who isn’t looking for the same things. But fate is a fickle bitch, my friends, and yes, she’s fucking with you (yes, fate is a woman).
But honestly, I feel like we engage in this vain attempt at mind-changing because of a simple four-letter word: hope. As optimists, we’re eternally hopeful, so it would stand to reason that, of course, if someone likes us enough, they’ll want to be in a relationship with us. I mean, duh — that’s how it works. But the fact of the matter is, there is such a thing as meeting the right person at the wrong time. There is such a thing as not being ready for a relationship. And all of the optimism, hope, and really good sex isn’t going to change it. Trust me on this one. I’ve been there, done that, and have the t-shirt — but I don’t have the boyfriend.
So, let me save you some heartache by sharing a simple piece of advice that I’ve learned from wallowing in my seemingly bottomless pit of relationship optimism: If someone you’re interested in tells you that they aren’t looking for something serious, believe them.
Believe that the stories you’ve heard of relationships beginning with this very sentence and ending in a wedding are the exception to the rule, not the norm.
Believe that they aren’t playing a game or have some trust issues that you’re going to be the magic resolution to.
Believe that they legitimately just want to hang out and occasionally fuck and that any relationship-esque things that happen during the course of either the hanging or fucking are purely accidental.
Believe that when someone says this to you, they mean it. And also respect the fact that they were upfront and honest with you about it from the beginning.
But at the same time, keep being hopeful and optimistic — not about this particular relationship, because odds are about 10 to 1 that it’s not going to work out — but about dating. It’s hard enough out there, and the only way to come through it without a hardened, black heart is to keep the faith..
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
Wait, does this mean the girl I met through mutual friends, who didn’t reply to my text to get drinks last week, isn’t interested?
Nah, she probably just didn’t get the text. Should send another one, if no response, definitely call her. Women love that.
How could she not be interested? My Mom tells me I’m handsome.
In that case, try FaceTime instead. More personal.
And if she doesn’t pick up her phone, you should find out where she lives and stand outside her window with a love song playing on your Bluetooth speaker, like a modern day update to Say Anything. That’ll definitely win her over.
Before you call, make sure you’ve had a few drinks too, you’ll need that liquid confidence and women love confidence.
The whole “he’s/she’s just not that into you” view is incredibly accurate. If someone wants to be with you, he/she will be with you. Took me a few years to learn that one!
How is Mabey, George Michael?
Wait wait wait. So you’re saying that people actually know what kinds of relationships they want for themselves and won’t change their minds even if someone keeps bugging them to do so? Big if true.
Problem: Relationships aren’t about what other people want they’re about what I want…
It’s not so much that they’re not interested in anything serious, it’s that they’re not interested in anything serious with you. It’s a bitter frickin’ pill to swallow and it doesn’t get easier the more times you swallow it, but it’s the truth.
Not necessarily, as someone whose Bumble says “focusing on work, not looking for anything serious” (Dont Take it From Us Ep 53.) Some times its us, not you. My reason is that I just got out of a serious relationship and switched careers. So I don’t want to have to focus on jumping back into a serious relationship (within 3 months of the break up) while also having to focus on my career.
This column reminded me of the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, but without the rom com ending.
In that movie, there were a few relationships that didn’t work out if I recall.
The main girl did get with Justin Long after she made her feelings known and then totally moved on and cut herself out of his life, which made Justin Long miss her…
Rom coms have a lot of bad messages, but if you are able to ignore the nonsense and silliness, there are some solid take away lessons that are hidden.
I actually emailed the mailbag about this back in June. I did not want to believe the guy I was doing everything with still didn’t want to be serious. I took the advice from Dillon and the commenters and completely stopped talking to him. He texted once in a while and I slowly started responding. Both our birthdays are in August so we decided to get drinks and we’ve been in a serious relationship ever since. I know this is the exception but it can happen. Sometimes you just need some space to figure out what you really want.
Annie, you did the absolutely right thing, something I’ve been saying on here for awhile, you walked away completely.
You gave this guy the gift of missing you and develop feelings. Good job!
Thanks! It definitely wasn’t easy but it ended up working out.
Spot on. Without a doubt that hopeful optimism/thinking you can change someone’s mind has got to be the easiest way to break your own heart.
I’m not looking for anything serious, but sup?
Hey Goose, you big stud!
That’s me, honey
Ugh just had to (re)learn this the hard way. Whenever my friends come to me with situations like this, I’m the first one to say “accept it as is or end it.” But as soon as it happens to me, all logical apparently goes out the window. I’m gonna bookmark this and reread it next time.
My wife wasn’t interested but then I found her a few months later on another site then she was.