When Should You Go Facebook Official?

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The Internet is a magical thing. Because of it, we have access to instant communication, limitless data and information, and more porn than we can shake our sticks at. The flipside of this is now all of our information is on display for the world to see. There’s no longer any place to hide.

Thanks to Facebook, personal information is right on someone’s profile–most notably, a person’s relationship status. And it’s all because Zuckerberg was slightly horny after meeting professional smokeshow Brenda Song. It’s not all his fault, though. Before that, we all put our relationship statuses in our AIM profiles. “KMD forever <333 4/10/04 LYL” and “<33 ACS — CuZ AfTeR AlL, uR My WoNdErWalL” ran more rampant through the early 2000s than herpes. But back then, it was easy. If you had a boyfriend or a girlfriend back in the day, that was it. That person was essentially an object for bragging rights and early sexual exploration. We wanted to show off our AIM-official boos–and I say “we,” of course, in the royal sense, because girls didn’t talk to me until I was 17. I had “The Facebook” before I had “The Girlfriend.”

But these days, things are harder. Relationships are much more difficult to define these days, and despite the fact that you may have actually been seeing this person for several months now, taking it to “Facebook” level can be a big step. When one partner brings it up, what are you going to do? Will you keep your “single” status, go FBO, or get rid of your relationship status altogether? That’s up to you. Answer these questions and figure it out.

Do you actually like this person?

This seems basic, but it’s a very obvious question that you’ve got to answer. I’m sure your girlfriend or boyfriend is fun to hang out with if you’re at the point where you’ve moved past banging without making eye contact and have actually seen him or her outside the bedroom for “hangouts,” “chill seshes,” and maybe even, perish the thought, a proper date. But do you like actually hanging out with him or her? Does your heart skip a beat when that person’s name pops up on your phone? Do you two have matching profile pictures? If so, it might be worth having the conversation. If you dread when he or she calls and texts you for plans, then maybe it’s time to have a different conversation where you break it off completely.

Did you do it all for the nookie?

“Now, this this is one of them occasions when the homie’s not doin’ it right. Well, he found him a [casual hookup] he like, but you can’t make a [casual hookup] a housewife.”

The good Dr. Dre might have been on to something, that lucky, billionaire son of a bitch. Odds are, if you’ve just been referring to this guy or girl as your “slampiece” and all your friends think of him or her as such–or if none of your friends have met said slampiece at all–your friends may not end up respecting your chosen love interest, and, most likely, neither will you. This guy or girl might not want to go to the next level, either. Do you really want to be the one who “caught feelings” and spills your guts to your hookup, only to have him or her laugh in your face, shut you down, and probably find another bang-source? Depends on the situation, but you usually can’t turn a [casual hookup] into a housewife.

How much do you know about the other person?

Maybe you work together, and have for a while. Maybe he or she gives you the eyes at the gym every time you do squat-thrusts. Maybe you’re in the same World of Warcraft guild. But how well do you really know this person? Do you know his or her background beyond where he or she grew up and went to school? How about his or her parents and family? What if this person has awful friends you just despise? Any good lawyer will tell you that in order to put together a proper case, you have to do your due diligence first. Luckily for you, the object of your problems is also your greatest ally: social media. Facebook stalk the SHIT out of this person. Go back years and years. Look at pictures of his or her friends and parents, and how this person interacts with the people he or she loves. Look at past boyfriends or girlfriends and see how you stack up. Do your homework, numb nuts.

Are you ready for the spotlight?

Because the attention is going to be on you two like flies on a steaming pile of shit.

From the minute you first put up your relationship status, people will comment things like, “OMG KNEW IT,” “SOOO CUTEEEE,” and “WTF call me now.” Everyone’s going to want to talk to you about this development that, for all intents and purposes, should be a quiet, personal endeavor. But no, you asked for it. You threw yourselves into the lion’s den–now you need to avoid getting ripped to fucking shreds.

This is DEFINITELY especially true if or when you break up. It’s so public that it’s scary. Everyone knows and everyone will talk about it, mark my words. You know who’s going to like the status, fellas? ALL DUDES. ALL DUDES trying to nail your ex. They’ll move in like vultures trying to prey on the carcass that was your relationship. Think about that when you cry yourself to sleep at night.

The bottom line is that if you really care about the person, going Facebook official is a mostly painless way of showing that person you really care about him or her and that you’re committed to the relationship. It’s the 21st century way of shouting your love from the rooftops, but you don’t have a rooftop. All you have is a computer, Internet access, and a social media account. Going FBO can often be a great thing. It can also be a pretty terrible thing, too, sure, but hey, if you really do appreciate this person and want to show you care, this is the best way to do it.

And if you’ve really got the urge to step out, well, there are always threesomes.

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