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There’s something intoxicating about waking up next to another warm body. Even though I love having all the space in my bed to myself while falling asleep, when you fight over mattress and blanket territory like you’re each trying to annex Prussia, in the morning having someone to wrap your arms around is just bliss. Somehow, girls always look and smell amazing in the mornings. Like you’ve snuck out right before I awaken, shower in some fancy, great-smelling soap and get completely made up before sneaking right back into bed. Those quiet, serene moments where the sun drifts in through the window and there are no city noises encroaching on the silence are ones you can really stop to appreciate.
Sunday was the second morning in a row I woke up next to “Jennie.” Even though I had a million things I wanted to and needed to do that day, I was perfectly content to just lie there, holding her until she woke up. I’ve been going out with Jennie for about a month at this point, and she’s great. She’s funny, smart, and she keeps right up when I give her bullshit, always throwing it right back at me. She’s also, and I do not exaggerate here, the hottest girl I’ve ever gone out with. Jennie is a goddamn dime. She checks every single box for what you would want in someone to get cuffed with for the winter.
And yet, on that very Sunday morning, when I roll over and look away from Jennie for a short moment to see what the time is, my phone sits on my nightstand beckoning. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, the League…they’re all calling to me. Keep swiping Josh. Are you even really into this girl? Is she really the best you think is out there? You outkicked your coverage once, who’s to say you won’t stumble onto an even hotter girl who has more of an interest in sports and Mr. Robot?
Like an addict, I’m still on the apps, swiping, matching, and messaging away. Am I going out with other girls? No, but that’s just because no one has popped up that’s seriously made me think she’d be an upgrade on Jennie. But I’m still throwing lines out there, seeing what’s available.
To be clear, I know I am an asshole for doing this. Even though Jennie and I are not exclusive, and have not had the DTR discussion, I know that this is deep enough in the dating cycle that staying on the apps this hard is not cool. Sure, if we’d only gone out a few times, no one would bat an eye about chatting with other girls. There’s no real expectation at that point that this is going to develop into something serious. She very well might be messaging or going out with other guys as well. You’re still trying to get to know each other, seeing if there is some big “oh-no-no” that will completely demolish this relationship. In my opinion, up to the first three dates, you have free reign to continue shopping around.
From dates four through ten, you enter murky water. This is the point that the DTR discussion is going to be coming up. You’ve probably had sex by now, met some of the other’s friends, or done some fairly intimate activities together. You’re invested at this point. You know whether or not this is a relationship that has some legs, or whether it’s just not going to be anything more than this. As long as expectations are clear when it’s going to stay casual, staying on the apps isn’t that big a deal. But once hints of serious talk crop up, it starts to be much harder to justify the right swipes.
And obviously, the hard cut-off point is when the relationship is defined as exclusive. If you have agreed to be in a monogamous, exclusive relationship, being on Tinder and the like is a no bueno. I would hesitate to go so far as to say that act alone is cheating, but it is certainly the gateway to cheating. Going out with someone in a romantic fashion, behind your significant other’s back, is some level of cheating. You have to know that you’re in the wrong when you’re sniffing around for other potential tail when you have someone you agreed to be faithful to waiting at home.
I now find myself in that middle category, deeply invested in this relationship but with no commitment to fidelity. That talk is coming, and I’m honestly not sure what I am going to say.
On the one hand, Jennie is great. She has done absolutely nothing to indicate that we aren’t compatible on a fundamental level. I always look forward to seeing her, she’s always happy to see me, and we have a great balance of being together but still having our own independent likes. When we’re together, there’s never any dead air. We already have our own inside jokes and common threads within the relationship that we both build off. When my friends ask me about why I would want to break up with her, my answer is that I don’t. There’s no reason for me to end things; she’s amazing to be around.
But on the other hand, I’m still on the apps and that says something fundamentally about my feelings for her. Maybe it’s because she and I don’t have a ton of interests in common; she’d rather watch the Real Housewives of Insert City Here, whereas I’m down to binge on Westworld again. Maybe it’s because in the past I’ve been out with girls where I thought it was going to work long-term, and eventually it blew up in my face, so I’m hedging my bets. Maybe, as my friend Victoria pointed out (no relation to fellow PGPer CMV), I’m bored because there’s no struggle and I’m only interested in the challenge. Or maybe, as my other friend Lauren so lovingly suggested, I’m terrified of commitment.
I think these are all valid notions, with some degree of truth to them. I’m not sure why I’m so damn hesitant other than the fact that I don’t feel the way I have felt about other girls in the past. Because I’ve been down that road when you meet a girl and just instantly it works. Those are the girls who you are willing to delete the apps for. You know after one or two dates that there’s just something different about her. That alluring call from your phone is drowned out by your constant thoughts about them. You’re eagerly awaiting the DTR talk, wondering if it’s too soon for you to bring it up yourself. They’re the ones who cause you to make an ass out of yourself when things are going badly. And they’re the ones who feel like a gut punch when it doesn’t work out. Even after it’s over and done, they continue to float into your head, every so often, infecting your mind as you try to focus on the amazing girl laying next to you.
That’s ultimately why I’m still swiping. I know that feeling of having something great, and I want that back. Maybe Jennie will make me feel those things later when she does that one irresistibly cute thing where she fake pouts when I tease her. Maybe I’ll balk when she wants to have the relationship talk, and a month later I’m texting her every day begging for another chance at what I stupidly threw away. Or maybe I’ll never feel that way about Jennie, but I’m blowing those other feelings up as something completely unrealistic, and we still end up happy together. I can’t read the future, and I don’t know if anything I feel is to be trusted. I wish I had some advice for myself, and just knew one way or the other whether my feelings for Jennie are warranted. But, until she puts the gun to my head and makes me decide, either way, I’m still swiping. And I don’t feel great about that..
Respond
@joshetyler
@joshetyler
You know what the answer is. Don’t fuck this up Josh.
Spoiler Alert: he’s gonna fuck this up
That feeling you’ve had with other girls is just a bunch of chemicals in your head that naturally fades over a short period of time anyway, why would you want to base your decisions on something that fleeting? DTR, and if it doesn’t work, then you can go back on the apps without any hesitation. The one way you can ensure that it doesn’t work is by being half-in.
tl;dr: Don’t half-ass two things, whole-ass one.
Very much needed this today. Thanks bro
I’m always here with some earthy wisdom that’s a mixture of stuff I’ve read online and stolen quotes from TV whenever you need it, red.
Don’t half-ass two things, whole-ass one is something everyone should live by. Like the Golden Rule.
When my girlfriend and I inevitably had the discussion about dating apps and how she saw I still had my account active on OKC, I believe I said something along the lines of “don’t worry about it, it’s more like window shopping than anything else.”
The only positive I can say about the conversation that then ensued is that it has prepared her for the mindbogglingly stupid things I’m capable of saying at the wrong moments.
Yeah man, you should go ahead and have the dtr talk. That way you know if she wants to be casual or more serious. If you don’t wanna be exclusive, state that and be willing to accept whatever her reaction is. Speaking from experience, the numbers game isn’t nearly as great as having one girl who checks all the boxes.
yesterday
what is DTR?
Down to Relationship? Or….
define the relationship
Oh, I see.
Okay, that makes a lot of sense now. Thanks.
Lol I also thought it was Down To Relationship this whole time.
Damn you Pauly D
Im in the exact same boat. Been about a month, I have met some of her friends. There is talk of meeting friends in the near future (a few weeks out), which was the big indicator to me that things had progressed passed the “Wow, that date went well, I hope she felt the same way. I wonder if I will hear from here again?” stage. I made the move yesterday to delete all of the apps. I realized when I had zero desire to respond to any messages that it was time. We have yet to have any sort of exclusivity talk, but we did establish that we weren’t seeing anyone else.
Id say if you are interested in something long term with this girl, delete the apps now and play it out. Be 100% in. As afterthegame said, “Don’t half-ass two things, whole-ass one.”
I too am in the same boat. It’s been a month and things are going really well. She’s met a few of my friends, I’ve met her sister, and we’ll meet more each others friends this weekend. Last week during a dinner date, she invited me to go to Thanksgiving at her parents. That was when I knew it was time to pull the ejector seat on Bumble (which is how we met, btw). If it doesn’t work out, you can always take the few minutes it takes to re-download an app.
If you think this relationship has the potential to be the kind of relationship you want, you’re not giving it or her a fair chance when you keep swiping. Try ignoring the apps for a few weeks and then see how you feel. If you’re still looking for something else, end it with her, and if you’re not, delete the apps and DTR.
I was in the same situation as you. I had been on all the dating apps for 2 years and finally met a girl who would later be my girlfriend. Honestly, these apps exist to make us addicted to them. In the same way that the first thing we do when we wake up is check facebook, IG, Twitter etc. its the same with dating apps. We become addicted to the thrill of the match, and become so accustomed to waking up and start swiping like its a normal part of the day. It was so hard to eventually delete the apps because it was so routine for me after swiping everyday for 2 years straight.
I think the right time to delete the apps is once you have the DTR talk and decide to be exclusive. There can be an argument made to just delete them now but until you have the talk, you don’t really know how she feels either.