What Your Sunglasses Say About You

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Ahh, summer is upon us. It’s a time for fruity cocktails, toes in the sand, and three-week vactions. HAH, just kidding. Got ya. At least it’s a little warmer on your walk from the bowels of the company parking lot to your cube, though, right? With all this ironic sunlight, of course it’s time to go shopping for a new pair of shades. Take a quick minute to review what each pair says about you before you blow it and wind up looking like one of the Beatles come this Saturday’s day party.

Vintage, Weird Glasses
I honestly don’t even know what these are called. I’m sure there are various names like “Norman Rockwells” or “LSD Lenses” or something, but whatever–you know exactly the ones I’m talking about. Ironically, they’re sold everywhere, which means, of course, they are not actually vintage. These are your go-tos? You’re a hipster. You probably make your own pomade and will only drink PBR all summer. Don’t. Just don’t.

Ah, what a classic. These bad boys have been resurrected in recent years, due to some invisible force commonly known as fashion that I am certainly not privy to. The regular, average-sized ones actually look pretty decent on most faces, but don’t you dare touch any of the fancier ones. Then you’re just trying to get a shred of individuality from the Kool-Aid you’ve been drinking for years. You definitely aren’t original, but you say funny or interesting things an average of once every five comments. That’s not too shabby when you think of the whole population, which includes people like Honey Boo Boo’s mom and Queen Latifah. Way to stay safe, guys.

Baseball Oakleys
Hardo alert, hardo alert! Unless you’re actually on a baseball team–such as the minors or majors, or if you’re Roger Dorn–these do not belong on your face. You probably won’t spend the minimum hours per day doing trunk stretches and readjusting the Velcro on your gloves to justify donning these guys. I know what you’re thinking, but don’t. The coed company softball game also does not warrant these, not even in the playoffs. There are very few times when my second hand embarrassment flares up more than when I watch someone try THIS hard.

Glasses With Mirrored Or Highly Reflective Lenses
Alright, Goose. Okay, Mav. Easy there, guys. This is another kind of try-hard move that usually does not pay off well. Most dudes wind up looking like T-1000 from “Terminator,” and that guy gave me horrifying nightmares growing up, so I definitely vote no. Girls have a little more leeway with these because of the sexy rainbow pair Ray-Ban peddles for a mere 200 pesos or something. They work on some gals, but DEFINITELY not on others (me). Please just make sure that, like, once out of every 15 times you wear them, you have pants on. Some of us have to work full-time, you know?

Oversized Glasses
Ladies, besides maybe Spanx, there is no bigger calculated misconception than oversized “Jackie O” sunglasses. They hide half your face. You’re instantly hot. Trust me, I know I used this trick once when I was feeling rather fragile around 17. They make work on the surface, but eventually, night will fall and only drug addicts (and Corey Hart) wear their sunnies at night. At that point, the jig is up. And guys, don’t think you’re off the hook. Plenty of you dudes pull the same bullshit with big, boxy Oakleys or whatever. Some people can pull them off, but others wind up looking like they’re auditioning as Ben Stiller’s understudy in “Zoolander.” (Don’t be distracted by all the beautiful celebrities, Derek.) Do less.

Classic Aviators
You win. For the most part, these also look good on almost everyone. A word of advice: try to avoid wearing them with jeans, leather boots, and a leather jacket, again, for fear of looking like everyone’s favorite 5 foot 4 alien-touting rascal. Also, please don’t get a pair that takes up half your face, because you will certainly look like Droopy.

Expensive Sunglasses
You’re an asshole. Or, at least, too responsible for many of us. The more expensive ANYTHING I own, the faster I lose or break it. It’s the most perfect, indirect relationship science has ever seen. So now when I see people with fancy glasses and the matching case, I get envious and really just want to slam dunk the glasses right out of their hands. Be a normal person and go get a $10 pair. I’ve yet to sit on or even misplace my $10 pair, but I did lose the Oakleys my brother gave me THE NEXT DAY (they were stolen, I swear it). But I can’t tell you how to live your life, because I’m a child. Do what you must. Just remember, doom is eminent when it costs more than $100.

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Mary Swanson

Both a bitter and optimistic 24-year-old entry-level underachiever with 2-4 friends and 0 talents. Washed up is an understatement. I prefer almost all my food luke-warm, what does that say about me?

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