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Ahh, summer is upon us. It’s a time for fruity cocktails, toes in the sand, and three-week vactions. HAH, just kidding. Got ya. At least it’s a little warmer on your walk from the bowels of the company parking lot to your cube, though, right? With all this ironic sunlight, of course it’s time to go shopping for a new pair of shades. Take a quick minute to review what each pair says about you before you blow it and wind up looking like one of the Beatles come this Saturday’s day party.
Vintage, Weird Glasses
I honestly don’t even know what these are called. I’m sure there are various names like “Norman Rockwells” or “LSD Lenses” or something, but whatever–you know exactly the ones I’m talking about. Ironically, they’re sold everywhere, which means, of course, they are not actually vintage. These are your go-tos? You’re a hipster. You probably make your own pomade and will only drink PBR all summer. Don’t. Just don’t.
Wayfarers
Ah, what a classic. These bad boys have been resurrected in recent years, due to some invisible force commonly known as fashion that I am certainly not privy to. The regular, average-sized ones actually look pretty decent on most faces, but don’t you dare touch any of the fancier ones. Then you’re just trying to get a shred of individuality from the Kool-Aid you’ve been drinking for years. You definitely aren’t original, but you say funny or interesting things an average of once every five comments. That’s not too shabby when you think of the whole population, which includes people like Honey Boo Boo’s mom and Queen Latifah. Way to stay safe, guys.
Baseball Oakleys
Hardo alert, hardo alert! Unless you’re actually on a baseball team–such as the minors or majors, or if you’re Roger Dorn–these do not belong on your face. You probably won’t spend the minimum hours per day doing trunk stretches and readjusting the Velcro on your gloves to justify donning these guys. I know what you’re thinking, but don’t. The coed company softball game also does not warrant these, not even in the playoffs. There are very few times when my second hand embarrassment flares up more than when I watch someone try THIS hard.
Glasses With Mirrored Or Highly Reflective Lenses
Alright, Goose. Okay, Mav. Easy there, guys. This is another kind of try-hard move that usually does not pay off well. Most dudes wind up looking like T-1000 from “Terminator,” and that guy gave me horrifying nightmares growing up, so I definitely vote no. Girls have a little more leeway with these because of the sexy rainbow pair Ray-Ban peddles for a mere 200 pesos or something. They work on some gals, but DEFINITELY not on others (me). Please just make sure that, like, once out of every 15 times you wear them, you have pants on. Some of us have to work full-time, you know?
Oversized Glasses
Ladies, besides maybe Spanx, there is no bigger calculated misconception than oversized “Jackie O” sunglasses. They hide half your face. You’re instantly hot. Trust me, I know I used this trick once when I was feeling rather fragile around 17. They make work on the surface, but eventually, night will fall and only drug addicts (and Corey Hart) wear their sunnies at night. At that point, the jig is up. And guys, don’t think you’re off the hook. Plenty of you dudes pull the same bullshit with big, boxy Oakleys or whatever. Some people can pull them off, but others wind up looking like they’re auditioning as Ben Stiller’s understudy in “Zoolander.” (Don’t be distracted by all the beautiful celebrities, Derek.) Do less.
Classic Aviators
You win. For the most part, these also look good on almost everyone. A word of advice: try to avoid wearing them with jeans, leather boots, and a leather jacket, again, for fear of looking like everyone’s favorite 5 foot 4 alien-touting rascal. Also, please don’t get a pair that takes up half your face, because you will certainly look like Droopy.
Expensive Sunglasses
You’re an asshole. Or, at least, too responsible for many of us. The more expensive ANYTHING I own, the faster I lose or break it. It’s the most perfect, indirect relationship science has ever seen. So now when I see people with fancy glasses and the matching case, I get envious and really just want to slam dunk the glasses right out of their hands. Be a normal person and go get a $10 pair. I’ve yet to sit on or even misplace my $10 pair, but I did lose the Oakleys my brother gave me THE NEXT DAY (they were stolen, I swear it). But I can’t tell you how to live your life, because I’m a child. Do what you must. Just remember, doom is eminent when it costs more than $100.
Respond
Mary Swanson
Both a bitter and optimistic 24-year-old entry-level underachiever with 2-4 friends and 0 talents. Washed up is an understatement. I prefer almost all my food luke-warm, what does that say about me?
@maryswansonPGP
White sunglasses if you’re a guy: you are the worst.
As much as I hate to admit this, I definitely rocked white oakley’s back in high school. I’m not proud.
Costa 580s: they will last forever and if you look into the sun, you see the face of God.
I agree they’re awesome, but if you’re in a very urban setting Costas can look kinda out of place. Otherwise great to have.
It’s true I don’t see too many around the city, but everyone owns a pair of raybans. It’s good to stand out a bit
If you can get a good deal, get a pair from Persol. Safe and flattering, but you don’t see them as much as Ray-Bans.
I’m also a big fan of Smith’s lenses; the polarchromatic lenses are spectacular for fishing
I look like a douche in my costas, but they work so damn well. also, you don’t really see them once you leave texas
As someone who works on the water I can tell you costa’s are the best sunglasses money can buy. I don’t care how they look, the lens quality can’t be matched. If all you wear sunglasses for is your daily commute and the occasional trip to the park then go ahead and get a cheap stylish pair, but if you spend all day, every day out in the sun go get some costa’s so your retinas don’t melt.
Your name is simply epic.
Then you haven’t worn a good pair of Maui Jim’s.
The BEST sale pitch I’ve heard for sunglasses. I’m literally looking up a pair right now because of it.
You can get sunglasses for under $100?
Sunclouds. $50 for every frame. Polarized lenses. Love these things since I picked them up at REI.
I break/lose so many that I can’t justify spending more than $10 on a pair of sunglasses.
My sunglasses: wayfarer style oakleys, the criteria: they were on the imperfect stand in an outlet mall for $40. Done and done
http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p98/badwolf07/Gifs/judgement.gif
Damn it.
So basically there’s no correct sunglasses to wear?
Also, Oakley half-jackets are spectacular for golf.
RayBan classic clubmaster.
Where do Bolle sunglasses fit?
My “let’s get blackout drunk well before 5pm” sunglasses are a pair of blue wayfarers.
My everyday sunglasses are a pair of blue wayfarers.
Wait…
This is my fourth comment.