What Your Netflix Selection Says About You

What Your Netflix Selection Says About You

Streaming your media has become as American as college football recruiting scandals. Everyone has their own preferences about what to watch, depending on your personality, or even your current mood. Here’s what your selection says about you.

Decision making is your specialty, because there is no tougher decision than which movie to watch on Netflix. The TV shows let you off easy; you watch hours upon hours until the series is over. But movie selection? That’s a whole different type of decisive hell. You can login expecting to pick a quick movie, and then an hour and a half later you’re browsing in the “Because you watched ‘Driving Miss Daisy’” section without even knowing who the hell watched that on your account (it was your mom).

Intellect is your calling card, and you love broadening your horizons. A guy eating McDonald’s for a month? Love it. A company of soldiers in the Middle East? Love the troops, and it’s the next best thing to joining up. The shrimping industry in small islands located in the Pacific Ocean? Guess who’s going to be in expert in time for the first meeting at the water cooler on Monday. That being said, no one wants to hear about the random Netflix documentary you watched, they just want to know if it was good or not. The only thing more boring than a subject you couldn’t give less of a shit about is someone who watched a documentary on it dropping knowledge like a substitute teacher.

Network Drama
You want a little bit of action and intensity in your life, but not too much. Better to play it safe and trust in NBC, ABC, or CBS. Nothing gets you harder than a cop drama starring a pre-rise of cable programming Emmy winner and their biracial or female sidekick. It’s either that, or just a hard hitting character driven drama with the occasional plot twist to take up your time. Regardless, you’re not looking for anything mind blowing that’ll be the subject of your thoughts for all of tomorrow’s sales meeting. (Unless you pick LOST, in which case your first three hours of work every day will be dedicated to Googling fan theories.)

Network Comedy
Again, you’re playing it safe, but you want to laugh. And the networks have provided some comedy gems (Modern Family, Parks and Rec, etc.), that are arguably as good right now as anything that cable is bringing you, so it doesn’t mean you don’t have a good sense of humor. You enjoy getting to know the characters, their quirks, their similarities to you, and don’t mind the fact that they live in a world without obscenities. This is all assuming you haven’t chosen The Big Bang Theory. If you pick that show, you’re simply the worst.

Cable Drama
You like to have a little more excitement in your life, and you’re looking to see some things that are insane. You don’t mind getting a little dirty to get the job done. You’re willing to stand by some shady characters and continue to root for them, no matter what diabolical shit they’re getting themselves into. Also, you’re never going to shut the fuck up about how amazing whatever show you’re binge watching is.

A Pay-For Channel Show/Netflix Original
You don’t mess around in life. You know what you want, and what you want is greatness. A surefire winner is what you want, and a surefire winner is what you’re going to get. While you have to use Amazon Prime to stream HBO, Netflix still has Showtime and their originals. They miss occasionally, but even the cancelled early ones are still gems for the right people. Also, you love nudity and swearing. Yeah, you get great production, amazing casts, and some of the best shows ever produced, but let’s face facts: you love sex scenes and being able to say “fuck” on television. You fucking degenerate, you. While you want a great show to get hooked on, you secretly want something that you would feel extremely uncomfortable watching with your parents. You’re a person with sophisticated TV taste, because nothing is more sophisticated than watching some dude bury his face in Brian Williams’ daughter’s ass.

Image via scyther5 /

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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