What Your K-Cup Selection Says About You


When you stroll into the office in the morning, you immediately drop off your shit in your cube, turn on your slow working computer and immediately run to the Keurig machine to wait patiently in line for a cup of coffee with your other inmates. While in line, still half asleep, I’ve noticed the selections my fellow coworkers make when it comes to their morning fix. Here are my observations:

Donut House Coffee With Cream and Sugar

You clearly could care less what you put into your body. You most likely ate a cold slice of pizza for breakfast, didn’t bother showering and wore the same unwashed outfit from Monday to work again on Wednesday. Fast-food lunches are the norm, and you always help yourself to the second slice of birthday cake in the break room when available. When you go for your second, third or even fourth cup of motor oil, you reek of cigarettes and B.O.

Green Tea

You’re a crazed health nut, spinning queen or yoga master. A salad is more than likely for lunch, or a selection from your local Whole Foods buffet line. After you digest your organic lunch, its time for you to whip out your afternoon snack, and binge on hummus. Not soon after, it’s time for you to walk out to your hybrid vehicle and go home to your fully furnished apartment that looks like an IKEA showroom.

Starbucks House Blend

Chances are that you drove to work in your starter luxury car and are dressed to impress for your fellow cube mates. As you sip on the best K-Cup available, you tend to circle around the other cool Starbucks drinkers and talk about absolutely everything under the sun. Maybe around 2pm, you pull straws to find out who will do a Starbucks run for a “real” Starbucks drink. Passion iced tea, low fat vanilla latte, Frappuccino…how will you ever decide? You have a lot on your plate.


Generally reserved for the older population or those that are completely stressed out with the current state of their lives. These K-Cup drinkers are worried to combine caffeine with their already prescribed anti-anxiety, depression, or hypertension medication. Yes, these poor souls have many years experience on you, upside-down on their mortgage and are still working in a cube day-to-day. Be nice to the decaf drinker because if they ever lose it at work, you will more than likely be featured on a Breaking News segment on CNN.

You Bring Your Own K-Cups

Fuck you. You are the worst. This person never puts water back in the machine, and worst of all, they leave their special brand K-Cup in the machine after their cup has brewed for all to see. Guess what, we are all living the same hell you are. Leave your special K-Cup brand at home and drink the same shit the rest of us do. There is no “I” in coffee.

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Scott works long hours hours to afford his future wife's spending habits. Whatever is left over, goes towards his happy hour bills, Publix subs and greens fees.

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