I don’t go to the gym because I want to. I go to the gym because I drink like a sailor in port every weekend and the food that I put into my stomach after having a few pops would make Chris Christie blush. I have a workout plan, but it’s one that a friend sent to me and if I’m being totally honest it’s not all that difficult. Should I be doing more crunches? Absolutely, yes. Downing eight Miller Lites throughout the course of a Friday night out will not give me a six-pack.
Are my legs abysmally skinny? Yeah, but doing squats fucking sucks. It’s not like I’m training for the Olympics here. I want to look presentable when I’m naked, I’m not trying to look like Adonis. I’ll hit the gym hard three, four, sometimes five times a week if I’m really feeling saucy, and at my gym, it is very easy to pick out the assholes immediately upon arrival. I wish there was a gym that I could go to devoid of all of these types of people, but to do that I’d have to have a private gym. I’m 25 years old, I can barely afford my car payment. A personal gym is not in the budget. And before you ask, no, I’m not a member at Planet Fitness because shaming people for lifting hard is just as annoying, but I also wish I had $100 million. There are some things I just can’t have.
You’re a pretentious douchebag. This guy or girl looks down on all of the serfs milling about in the gym, wearing cotton t-shirts and gym shorts with paint stains on them. The average Lulu customer cannot afford the clothes that they have on their back. They’ll toss the bill on their credit card and pay it off in increments all for the illusion of not only being well to do but also very active. A high-performance moisture wicking shirt goes for the retail price of no less than eighty dollars and the shorts and joggers they sell are getting hawked for anywhere from 100 to 150 dollars. Why anyone would pay that kind of money for clothes that they’re going to use to sweat profusely in is beyond me. Unless, of course, they’re wearing it to appear that they work out. And make no mistake, any girl wearing a pair of those joggers will have a nice ass. I don’t know what Lululemon does with those things, but they’ve gotten it down to a science. I understand that their stuff is comfortable, I do. I get that. But show me the difference between the Lulu Ninja pant and a pair of fifteen dollar Puma sweats and I’ll show you an asshole.
Tank Top, Sweatpants, No Shoes
You’re a powerlifter. J.J. Watt doesn’t have shit on you. Pre-workout formula, an energy bar during the workout, and a post-workout shake are all staples in your routine. This person has no problem going shoeless at the gym because they don’t get proper leverage when they’re doing squats or power cleans unless they’re barefoot. He’s just trying to get swoll, man. Leave him alone. And don’t even think about asking this guy if you can work in on his machine in between his rest periods. His rest periods are longer than anyone else’s because he’s probably using too much weight, and he has to use that time to swipe right on Bumble and get on Facebook.
Cotton T-shirt, Champion Shorts
This guy is a special kind of asshole. He’s an asshole because he’s pretty much clueless when it comes to proper technique and lifting regimen. Rack chins, hack squats, Romanian dead lift, spider curls. The list of absurd, non-specific names for lifts goes on and on. And I fully admit to being in this category. Their workouts last no longer than 50 minutes, and if they’re not trying to catch their breath they are trying to pick the perfect song to get their head right for the next series of lifts that they’ll have to complete while endlessly complaining about being in the gym. The sweat pours through their non-breathable t-shirt, and since they got their lifting routine from a friend who is way more serious about it, they are constantly on Google Images looking at pictures of how to perform some lift that is required for that particular day. Just stay far away from this guy.
I’m not sure everyone notices this dude, but I promise you that every mid-sized gym has one. This maniac will roll into the gym right out of the office still wearing a dress shirt (possibly untucked) and some cotton dockers. He’ll four or five half-assed lifts and get the hell out of there. He’s usually a guy in his mid-40s who more than likely has been getting shit from his wife to get back in shape. I always feel for this guy, but c’mon. Just take an extra three to five minutes and put a t-shirt and shorts on. You look psychotic.
The look is called “lampshading.” It’s an epidemic sweeping our nation’s sororities, but it is one that I can’t exclude from this column. She’s got a massive Derby Days t-shirt on that completely covers her Nike shorts so it almost looks like she’s just wearing a t-shirt to the gym. She’s not quite as hot as the girl wearing an entire outfit from Lulu, but it’s close. This girl is having trouble moving on. Gone are the days of binge drinking Rosé on Daddy’s dime. She’s off the parental tit for the first time in her life, and now she has to hit the gym after work. She’s lucky if she can get home and finish a single glass of cab sauv before falling asleep at 10:00 p.m. Welcome to the real world, girl.
Jacked Guy Who Hides His Hugeness Underneath A Sweatshirt And Sweatpants
I don’t know what this guy does for a living. To get as big as the sweatshirt and sweatpants guy, you have to live in the weight room. Family, friends, work? These are all just obstacles in this dudes way to getting more #gains. He eats 5,000 calories a day and one of his thighs is as big as my head. Surprisingly, this is the guy who will help you out if you need a spotter or a pro-tip on a lift (because when I’m doing a workout, half of the lifts that I have to perform might as well be in fucking Mandarin). I have no idea how or why someone would want to look like the person described above, but more power to ’em. Lifting is a lifestyle for these people.
Look, if I had to suggest one thing, it would be to avoid the gym at all costs. Go outside and take a jog. Do some pushups and crunches and call it a fucking day. You’re probably in your mid-to-late 20s. Just keep everything toned and maybe buy some light weights for your bedroom to keep those biceps looking tight. I’m one strained muscle away or a late charge fee for nonpayment to my gym from becoming an In-Apartment Workout Guy. Or, you know, just give up entirely. Stop working out altogether. Everyone gets fat eventually, right? Why not get a head start? .
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