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There are a few lessons from my adolescence that remain ingrained in me. Never eat Bagel Bites directly out of the microwave. Nothing good ever happens after 2 o’clock in the morning. And most importantly, always be on time.
Whoever first said “cleanliness is close to godliness” has never sat at a bar waiting for someone to show up for thirty minutes wondering whether or not they should send a text for an ETA. It’s anxiety-inducing, frustrating, and downright rude to make another party wait. Which is why I’m almost always on time — or, at the very least, I’m hyper-aware of when I’m to show up.
Here’s my guide. And no, my answers aren’t all acceptable to society as a whole.
Group Dinners
I define a “group dinner” as any dinner that includes greater than three couples. Six total people may feel like a group, but with one couple missing, it’s just glaring. Four couples supposed to be there with one couple missing? Not nearly as noticeable.
But when it comes to what time I need to show up for this thing? Well, the depends. If there’s a reservation, you show up on time. Don’t be the scumbag that takes money out of the waiter’s pocket because you couldn’t get the wrinkles out of your Oxford. But if there’s going to be a wait time? Time kind of flies out the window.
I know, I know, it’s trash. But let me put it this way — there’s not a chance in hell I’m going to be the guy who puts his name down and has to check his phone every five minutes for when the table’s ready. Even worse, being the guy holding a damn buzzer while you wait for Dick and Jane to show up. I’m that Dick and Jane, and I’ll see you a little later than we originally planned.
The Decision: 15 to 20 minutes late.
Work Happy Hours
Work happy hours are a gift and a curse, especially in the corporate world. Sure, free drinks on the company’s tab. An excuse to cut out of the office a little early. You get to see people you interact with on a daily basis make awful decisions. Unfortunately, you’re also stuck sitting at a table pretending to care what your co-workers have to say despite the fact that you’d never hang out with them outside of work if your job didn’t depend on it.
And for that reason, you have to be at least somewhat timely. Nevermind the fact that the clock is ticking on happy hour every minute you’re late — you’re not paying and there’s a 99 percent chance that the happy hour will bleed over. If you’re the first person there, it says two (2) things. The first, you left the office before everyone else which signals you’re lazy. The second is that you have nothing better to do. You risk getting stuck in a conversation with some other dork who may (or may not be) living for this night out on the town.
The Decision: 10 minutes late.
Tee Times
I can’t remember the last time I played golf without some semblance of a hangover. I don’t know what that says about me, and I don’t want to know what that says about me. At the end of the day, though, there’s a zero percent chance I’ll ever miss a tee time due to it.
Setting your alarm the night before your tee time is essential. I strive for two hours before the actual time — two snoozes (18 total minutes), a shower (10 minutes), a quick breakfast from my fridge or the gas station (10 minutes) and whatever the commute to the course is (20-30 minutes). See, time’s already melted off.
If you’re rushed, there’s no way you’re going low for at least the first three holes. Your brain will be in a blender. Get there early, check in, and hit some balls. Your back can’t just bounce back like it used to.
The Decision: 40 minutes early.
Weddings
There are two categories here — the wedding, and the wedding reception. Let’s plan accordingly.
The Wedding
Ever show up late to a wedding? How about a wedding that your significant other is in? Their eyes pierce you as you creep into a pew after the bride has already walked down the aisle. Terrible look. If you’re too early, though, you’re sitting there in your suit or uncomfortable dress just sweating and waiting for it to be over. Full Catholic mass? You’re going to have to pee before the second reading.
Call an Uber and strive to get there 15 minutes beforehand, accounting for seeing someone outside of the church that sucks five minutes away from you just catching up.
The Decision: 10 minutes early.
The Reception
Cocktail hours are fine and dandy, yeah. Until you’re standing at the bar talking to your friend-of-a-friend’s dad about your career and you can feel all the excitement draining from your veins. Rolling with a crew of three to five people is essential, and you can’t be the first people there. Knowing that there’s going to be an open bar all night, there’s absolutely no reason to hit the ground running too early. Wedding season is a marathon, not a sprint.
The Decision: 20-30 minutes after cocktail hour begins.
Drinks with an Old Friend
You never think it’s going to pan out. “Let’s get drinks next week when you’re in town,” you say. Most of the time, you actually pray it never happens. But there’s always that one buddy who you would just feel guilty ghosting.
Will the night spiral once your conversation gets going? Entirely possible. Will the conversation fizz out after twenty minutes because you two have just drifted apart? Again, probably. But you have to hope for the best and treat it like you’re still sharing a 30-rack together like the old days. Respect the friendship, show up on time, and pick up the first round.
The Decision: Right. on. time.
Networking Event
Has anyone ever actually wanted to go to a networking event? Honest question. I know that I haven’t, and that’s definitely not a good sign for how I’m going to handle every conversation after I initially show up.
Networking events are what you make it. You’re going to put on some lame nametag. You’re going to see a dude who probably wants the same job as you. You’re going to have two drinks before wanting to get the fuck out. You feel obligated to go because it feels like the right thing to do, but deep down you know that nothing good will even come of it.
The Decision: Skip it completely. Just surf LinkedIn for an hour instead.
First Date
Quite possibly the most important one on the list. Too early and you seem too eager, too late and you come off as aloof. I’ve done no shortage of overthinking when it comes to first dates, but why wouldn’t I? I’m a romantic. The possibilities, the nerves, the excitement — the feeling before first dates in my 20s were the only time I really felt alive.
There are two schools of thought here — one for when you’re picking them up, and one for when you’re meeting them out.
Picking them up? Give them some wiggle room on the backside. No one wants someone knocking on their door early, so give them some space and let them put the finishing touches on their look. Meeting them out? There’s no shame in arriving a little early, grabbing a drink at the bar, and getting some false confidence while worrying if they’ll look the same as they do on their Bumble profile. Some liquid courage never hurt anyone.
The Decision: Pick up five minutes late; meet them ten minutes early. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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I always got to the table a little early on first dates to order a drink and calm the nerves, and also so the hostess could bring them to me so I didn’t have to awkwardly look and ask girls that looked similar to the one I was meeting “Are you so and so?”
To quote my alcoholic Jr. High basketball coach “If you’re on time, you’re late.”
“Early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable.” –My high school band teacher.
Was Mr Young your band director too?
This definitely doesn’t apply to work happy hour. Even for regular work, my boss doesn’t really care if I’m late as long as my work is getting done
My rule of thumb that pretty much applies to any social event: if I’m meeting one person (friend, girlfriend, etc.), show up a few minutes early because I hate having people wait for me. If it’s a social event with multiple people, aim to show up on time, but probably get there around 10 minutes late.
Thank you Will… I struggle with this because a strong majority of my friends have no respect for or concept of time. If you tell me generic get together/bar meet up starts at 4pm and I show up at 4pm and you look at me funny, I should get to slap you. I can’t help who I am, I consciously try to show up late, end up on time or I get yelled at for not being on time. Either get stink eye for being on time, or judged for being late. This ends my rant, thank you. No questions at this time.
This is important, and I appreciate it. So many friends have zero concept of time
Pro tip: if your hungover friends are always late for tee times, tell them it’s 30 minutes earlier than it actually is. Works every time