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What The Porn You Watch Says About You

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I’m starting off 2018 strong, guys. I looked back on the column ideas I wrote down over the past year that I deemed too weird/gross/hard to write about, and I’ve decided that I’m not going to let my hesitations hold me back. Are Will and Dave going to let me publish my twisted, perverted rantings on the site? I don’t know. If you’re reading this, it means that they did, whether it be out of pity, or because I managed to sneak it past one of them when they’re hungover on a Friday. Enjoy it while it lasts. Anyway, here are my thoughts on what the type of porn you watch says about you.

POV (Point Of View)

You selfish lover, you. You selected this view knowing that it gives you the most immersive experience to help you believe that you’re actually having sex with the girl in the video instead of jerking off alone in your studio apartment. Sure, deep down, you know you’re not hung like a camel like the man in video, but for those brief seven five three minutes, you can almost trick yourself into thinking you’re getting laid. You know what you like, and you’re not afraid to completely disregard your partner’s desires to fulfill your own. Girls hate you and guys want to be you. Live your truth, king.

Lesbian

C’mon, man. It’s just you, your right hand, and the computer. There’s no need to put on a front and act like you’re too straight to even see another man’s penis in the video. Sure, watching two girls is hot, but how are you supposed to inject yourself in the fantasy when there’s no dick to pretend is yours? Methinks you protest too much. While your porn features no penises (penii?), your real life probably features several of them. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s 2018, my man. Love is love. Accept yourself.

Multiple Penetration

Are you a Libra? I bet you’re a Libra. You’re a giver. Even whilst pleasuring only yourself, you want to make sure the girl in the video is getting her every desire fulfilled. Pun intended, am I right?. Her desire isn’t the only thing getting filled, if you know what I mean. I’m talking about vaginal, oral, and anal sex here, folks. (Please don’t fire me, guys). Congrats on being a true romantic. I’m surprised you have time to watch porn with all the ladies throwing themselves at you.

Glory Holes

It’s time to re-up on that Adderall prescription, champ. If your ADD is getting in the way of you watching porn, it’s clearly a problem. No way will you be able to convince me that someone enjoys watching a girl try out 15 different faceless dongs unless they have the attention span of a millennial goldfish. Maybe you just have attachment issues? Either way, go see a psychiatrist, my dude. We’re taking care of our mental health in 2018.

Stepmom/Stepdaughter/Stepsister

I know the easy thing would just be to write you off as a complete weirdo, but I don’t think that’s the case. Instead, I think you’re just lazy. Anyone who’s watched porn in the last six months knows that practically every third video out there features some kind of weird quasi-incestuous storyline. The reality is, you’re not a pervert, you’re just too lazy to go to the second page. You found a thumbnail that features a hot girl, and you’re not going to give up on it just because the title says something about a stepsister seducing her stepbrother.

You know the difference between real life and fantasy, and you’re not going to put more work in to find a different video just because the actors are going to pretend to be related. You probably just skip the beginning of the video where they lay out the premise and go right to the boning. Sure, you’ll cringe a little anytime one of them addresses the other by brother or sister, but you’re not too hung up on all that.

Or, you have an incest fetish, in which case you’re disgusting and I am politely asking you to stop dirtying my words with your filthy eyes.

Casting Couch/Bang Bus/Pizza Delivery Man

It’s time to stop living in the past, brother. Sure, five years ago these genres were new and hot, but we’re beyond all that now. It’s 2018. We have the technology to create infinite boning situations. Underwater boning. Boning in space. 3D boning. Don’t be afraid of change, man. Embrace the future. Expand your mind.

Sorority “Hazing”

When did you graduate? 2011? 2009? Don’t lie, you’re clearly in your late-twenties. It’s time to grow up, peter pan. If you never went Greek in college, I’m sorry, but watching videos of 28-year-old washed up actresses pretending to be 19-year-old “pledges” isn’t going to change that. Also, I hate to burst your bubble, but sorority sex hazing is not a thing that exists. Or if it is, it’s a horrifying crime, not a fantasy. Grow up and watch some porn that doesn’t remind you how old you are. Maybe some MILF stuff.

Cartoon Porn

Does anyone actually watch this? I keep seeing ads of, like, Peter from Family Guy banging Marge from The Simpsons on the sidebars of the porn I’m actually watching. Frankly, it confuses the hell out of me. Are there adults that would rather watch a cartoon of sex than real people doing it? Please let me know in the comments, I’m genuinely interested.

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com

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