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I’m starting off 2018 strong, guys. I looked back on the column ideas I wrote down over the past year that I deemed too weird/gross/hard to write about, and I’ve decided that I’m not going to let my hesitations hold me back. Are Will and Dave going to let me publish my twisted, perverted rantings on the site? I don’t know. If you’re reading this, it means that they did, whether it be out of pity, or because I managed to sneak it past one of them when they’re hungover on a Friday. Enjoy it while it lasts. Anyway, here are my thoughts on what the type of porn you watch says about you.
POV (Point Of View)
You selfish lover, you. You selected this view knowing that it gives you the most immersive experience to help you believe that you’re actually having sex with the girl in the video instead of jerking off alone in your studio apartment. Sure, deep down, you know you’re not hung like a camel like the man in video, but for those brief seven five three minutes, you can almost trick yourself into thinking you’re getting laid. You know what you like, and you’re not afraid to completely disregard your partner’s desires to fulfill your own. Girls hate you and guys want to be you. Live your truth, king.
Lesbian
C’mon, man. It’s just you, your right hand, and the computer. There’s no need to put on a front and act like you’re too straight to even see another man’s penis in the video. Sure, watching two girls is hot, but how are you supposed to inject yourself in the fantasy when there’s no dick to pretend is yours? Methinks you protest too much. While your porn features no penises (penii?), your real life probably features several of them. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s 2018, my man. Love is love. Accept yourself.
Multiple Penetration
Are you a Libra? I bet you’re a Libra. You’re a giver. Even whilst pleasuring only yourself, you want to make sure the girl in the video is getting her every desire fulfilled. Pun intended, am I right?. Her desire isn’t the only thing getting filled, if you know what I mean. I’m talking about vaginal, oral, and anal sex here, folks. (Please don’t fire me, guys). Congrats on being a true romantic. I’m surprised you have time to watch porn with all the ladies throwing themselves at you.
Glory Holes
It’s time to re-up on that Adderall prescription, champ. If your ADD is getting in the way of you watching porn, it’s clearly a problem. No way will you be able to convince me that someone enjoys watching a girl try out 15 different faceless dongs unless they have the attention span of a millennial goldfish. Maybe you just have attachment issues? Either way, go see a psychiatrist, my dude. We’re taking care of our mental health in 2018.
Stepmom/Stepdaughter/Stepsister
I know the easy thing would just be to write you off as a complete weirdo, but I don’t think that’s the case. Instead, I think you’re just lazy. Anyone who’s watched porn in the last six months knows that practically every third video out there features some kind of weird quasi-incestuous storyline. The reality is, you’re not a pervert, you’re just too lazy to go to the second page. You found a thumbnail that features a hot girl, and you’re not going to give up on it just because the title says something about a stepsister seducing her stepbrother.
You know the difference between real life and fantasy, and you’re not going to put more work in to find a different video just because the actors are going to pretend to be related. You probably just skip the beginning of the video where they lay out the premise and go right to the boning. Sure, you’ll cringe a little anytime one of them addresses the other by brother or sister, but you’re not too hung up on all that.
Or, you have an incest fetish, in which case you’re disgusting and I am politely asking you to stop dirtying my words with your filthy eyes.
Casting Couch/Bang Bus/Pizza Delivery Man
It’s time to stop living in the past, brother. Sure, five years ago these genres were new and hot, but we’re beyond all that now. It’s 2018. We have the technology to create infinite boning situations. Underwater boning. Boning in space. 3D boning. Don’t be afraid of change, man. Embrace the future. Expand your mind.
Sorority “Hazing”
When did you graduate? 2011? 2009? Don’t lie, you’re clearly in your late-twenties. It’s time to grow up, peter pan. If you never went Greek in college, I’m sorry, but watching videos of 28-year-old washed up actresses pretending to be 19-year-old “pledges” isn’t going to change that. Also, I hate to burst your bubble, but sorority sex hazing is not a thing that exists. Or if it is, it’s a horrifying crime, not a fantasy. Grow up and watch some porn that doesn’t remind you how old you are. Maybe some MILF stuff.
Cartoon Porn
Does anyone actually watch this? I keep seeing ads of, like, Peter from Family Guy banging Marge from The Simpsons on the sidebars of the porn I’m actually watching. Frankly, it confuses the hell out of me. Are there adults that would rather watch a cartoon of sex than real people doing it? Please let me know in the comments, I’m genuinely interested. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
It’s time like these where I wish the PGP app worked better. There’s no way in hell that I’m opening this article on my work computer.
How did you comment then? Genuinely curious how to comment without opening.
I browse the mobile version of the site on my phone. It’s not ideal, but it works well enough.
The commenting still doesn’t work on the app version?
I’m pretty sure at this point there’s people who have developed stepsister fetishes ONLY because of how many vids of that shit there are. It’s EVERYWHERE
Have you not watched Game of Thrones?
Maybe this is a big troll job by the porn industry, where they’re putting up the most ridiculously gross stories and seeing how many people will still click on it and just skip the first 3 minutes
I found the reddit ggonewild with all the GGW videos recently and I’ve been enjoying some serious nostalgia porn. 14y/o me would be so proud to know I’m enjoying the uncensored videos.
If you’re not mixing in some classic Lisa Ann gangbang videos for some nostalgic feels, you’re wrong
The term goat gets thrown around too often but it fits here. Did y’all every see the kid on game day who made a sign referencing LA and ended up being her date to the awards show? Wow!
Didn’t she date a Notre Dame WR for a little a couple of years ago?
I believe so
I really like reading the comments on the Hub. Nothing funnier than some dude with Cheetos dust all over his hands and mouth talking about how much he wants to bang the girl in the video.
Commenting on porn videos is like the weirdest thing ever. Also the thought of logging in via FB to do it gives me all of the scaries.
I always thought pornhub comments of the week would be a decent article idea on here.
I would be happy to research this.
Starting an entire reddit thread critiquing porn is also up there. Looking at you, Ken Bone.
Yeah, I once logged into FB and saw that after I went onto the GGW website, they posted something about how I watched a video to my wall.
The next day one of my professor’s on FB posted a meme of “last words being clear my internet history” on his wall. I doubt there was a conincidence.
What does it say about you if you watch every category listed above? Asking for a friend.
I opened this assuming it could maybe apply to girls too but nah hahahaha.
I thought about it, but to be honest, I have no idea what kind of porn girls watch. Maybe videos that aren’t solely focused on the girl and feature guys that aren’t super ugly? Idk.
Big fan of the sorority “hazing” ones!
Spot on with the incest porn
Apparently I’m a lot of things.