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The leaves have changed, the temperature is dropping, and if you haven’t already loosened your belt a notch since August, you’re not treating yourself right. The holiday season is fast approaching, and within the next week or so, it’s time to kick it off with the first big event. For everyone that checked your calendars and are racing to the comment section to call me out on not knowing when Thanksgiving is; chill. I know when the greatest holiday of the year is. But as awesome as Thanksgiving is, it’s not the first holiday up.
Everywhere across the country, 20-something-year-olds are gathering together to celebrate a pre-thanksgiving. Thanksgiving Light™, if you will. I’m talking, of course, about Friendsgiving. The time where we all come together to use the spirit of the holiday as an excuse to get drunk and hang out together like we do every weekend. The only difference is this time we bring food. But what are you bringing? If you think you can just wing it, you’re not taking this nearly as seriously as you should, because the dish you bring will tell everyone just what kind of person you are.
The Pie (Store Bought)
You’re a people pleaser. You don’t particularly care about what to bring, what to eat, or what the dress code will be. You just want everyone to have a good time. And there’s no better way to ensure a good time than with the undisputed king of Thanksgiving; pies. Apple, peach, pecan, and (of course) the GOAT, pumpkin pie. They’re relatively cheap, always delicious, and you can pick up a couple from the grocery store on your way to your friend’s apartment when you realized you forgot to make something. You might be the ultimate lazy millennial, but no one’s going to hate on you bringing sweet deliciousness to the table. Way to crush it on a budget, my friend.
The Pie (Homemade)
You cocky son of a bitch. You might try and play this off with phrases such as “Oh I just whipped these up,” and “I just love getting into the festive season,” but we all know the truth. The only thing you love is basking in the sweet, sweet praise of everyone at the dinner table. You think that you’re most the mature, adult, Martha-Stewart-like friend in the group, and you want that feeling validated. You probably started testing recipes and baking trial runs before the Facebook invite for this event even went out, and you have the balls to look your friends in the eyes and condescendingly say, “Oh I just spend a few hours baking, it wasn’t a big deal for me at all?” I hate you, but I will begrudgingly pay your pies a compliment as long as you don’t push your luck and start talking about buying the ingredients from the farmer’s market. A man can only withstand so much bragging.
The Mashed Potatoes
Your heart is in the right place, but you’re a fool. You probably made this dish because it’s relatively easy, delicious, and everyone enjoys it. But what you didn’t realize is you just brought a dish to compete with everyone’s mothers’ mashed potatoes, and it will never live up. Subconsciously, everyone knows that their mom’s mashed potatoes are the best. They’re made from whole potatoes, butter, milk, a dash of love, a sprinkle of holiday spirit, and with some nostalgia to taste. You think your mashed-potatoes-out-of-a-box can compete with that? How dare you insult my mother with that store-bought garbage! I’m sorry. That was out of line. That’s just what bringing mashed potatoes to the table does. You should have just brought gravy, you poor, sweet idiot.
The Side Dish
Green beans. Stuffing. Roasted veggies. Mac N Cheese. Salads. Gravy. That’s the sweet spot. You’re a good friend, but you’re not trying to steal the show. You have a side dish that you make reasonably well, and you stick within your wheelhouse. No need to show off or break the bank; you just want to bring something to show that you care, but what you really care about is spending time with your friends. You don’t take yourself too seriously, but your friends know that they can count on you.
The Turkey
You’re selfless, and as much as the homemade pie person hates it, you’re the true backbone of this group. Making a turkey takes patience, hard work, and honestly, a good chunk of change. More importantly, turkey is inherently not a very good meat. It’s dry, tasteless, and even prepared by the best of cooks, no one really likes it. That’s why you’re the leader of this group. You’re doing a thankless job for your friends, who will most likely eat a sliver of the 16-pound turkey you bought before sticking exclusively to the sides which are actually tasty. However, even though no one really wants it, the turkey is what create the ambiance of Thanksgiving that fosters friendship and love. It’s a hard job, but someone has to do it. You probably also hosted this Friendsgiving, and your kindhearted ways have not gone unnoticed.
The Booze
You’re the baby of the group. You literally just have to swing by the store and grab several bottles of $15 wine and a variety pack of fall beers. It will probably take you all of four minutes. There’s a reason you’re buying the alcohol though, and that’s because you can’t be trusted with anything more complicated. You’re the friend that constantly needs to be told to close your tab before you leave the bar or reminded if there’s a dress code because otherwise you’ll show up everywhere in jeans and a faded t-shirt. Don’t let it get you down, however. Your friends may not expect a lot from you, but they still trust you. Hell, without the booze, Friensdgiving doesn’t exist, so just enjoy your minimum responsibility and all the attention you get when you show up late with everyone’s alcohol.
Nothing
Get the fuck out of my dining room. It’s called Friendsgiving, not Mooch-giving. Show some respect to the holidays. .
Listen to the guys from Touching Base break down Friendsgiving and more on iTunes and SoundCloud.
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
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I’m less worried about what my dish says about me and more worried about what having no friends says about me
If I were to do one with my friends it would be a turkey (maybe) and lots of booze. What does that say about me?
When you say store bought pies I hope you’re talking about buying them from a bakery. Grocery store pies are certified trash and everyone knows it.
Pies from Costco are pretty awesome
What about the guy that brings the weed?
Long time friend, honest, trustworthy, noble, solid at FIFA and knows were the closest Taco Bell is in case what’s his face fucks up the Turkey.
This is such a big deal. I can’t believe that in all the Friendsgiving articles we haven’t seen the enchanted salad brought up once. Thanksgiving is my favorite weed smoking holiday.
My buddies and I do a Ricky Bobby-esque friendsgiving where we all bring copious amounts of different fast food and get stoned as hell before we go to town on the spread. I didn’t shit for 3 days afterwards
That sounds awesome. I always look forward to getting together with the same neighborhood crew when we’re all in town for thanksgiving in the morning and smoking before we head to our respective family meals
Who the fuck bring boxed instant potatoes to Friendsgiving and calls it mashed potatoes?
I made twice-baked potatoes last year because they’re a favorite of mine, but vastly underrated the amount of work that goes into them. Turned out great tho!
I have no explanation for this but in like 4th grade our teacher took us to a restaurant and they taught us how to make twice baked potatoes. I also have no idea why I’m telling this story in the comment section right now. Alright, see you guys later.
I love making twice baked potatoes, mainly because they’re the only thing I can actually cook. I’m a little upset I can’t make them this year because there’s already like five potato dishes, so I guess I’m going for store-bought cheesecake and a bottle of vodka.
“You might be the ultimate lazy millennial, but no one’s going to hate on you bringing sweet deliciousness to the table.”
The Touching Base dudes called this a trash move like ten times. I think one said they’d Aoki you with your trash store-bought pie.
Well they can come say that to my face so I can tell them I respect their opinion and thank them for paying me to write for their wonderful site.
If you’re in Texas just bring some tamales
Turkey just needs some help, putting a butter/herb mix between the skin and meat before cooking keeps it moist. Also veggies/fruits with high water content in the bird. And you have to let it rest a while
Also, brine your turkey folks.
Brine is the Viagra of turkey prep, all show and no go. If you like artificially watery turkey go for it; if you want a real turkey, you gotta lovingly baste that bitch every hour.
do both
Brine is a game changer
Dry bring your turkey over night, cover it in bacon, and then smoke that bitch on a charcoal grill. That’s how you do a turkey.
This is something I am interested in. How do you dry brine? How long do you smoke (the turkey, not the cigar for the patio)? I only have a standard Weber charcoal grill, so turkey size may be a limitation.
Weber has a great recipe on their website that I’ve used before. It’s all about adding the right amount of charcoal at certain times to control the temp.
Yeah but what about the turkey hole
We do “Dipsgiving” as our Friendsgiving, and I bring Jewel wings. What does that say about me?
When I first read this I thought you meant you all bring your own tins of chew and just sit in the backyard dipping and I was disgusted and impressed.
I was trying to figure out how to get an invite to this wonderful event…
Lol thought the exact same. After dinner mint long cut anyone?
Pretty common Saturday night in high school
Jewel honey BBQ wings are low key fantastic.
LOL nah, like guac, salsa, buffalo chicken dip, etc.
Mr Incredible, Jewel honey BBQ wings are CONSPICUOUSLY fantastic