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At some point on a Monday morning, you’ll hear the following words dropped in some form during a conversation: “Yeah, man, we were just so hammered on Saturday.”
These sayings, these different euphemisms, seem to be able to be used interchangeably. It’s simple enough to pick your favorite synonym for “drunk,” throw it into a sentence to convey that, in fact, you are a social and popular person who can navigate a bar, and move on. But to do so is an insult to the vast expanse of the English language. No, when you use one word versus another, it conjures a different vision of how exactly your night transpired. So, take notice. Here is what your audience thinks about your night and how much you had to drink when you use any of these terms.
Kids in high school brag about “getting drunk.” You brag about getting drunk your first weekend after orientation at college. This was probably your first time drinking, and you threw up from a disturbingly weak amount of booze. If you’re over the age of 21 and going on about how drunk you got last Friday, know I say these words with the same condescension I would give to a friend’s four-year-old showing me his stick figure drawings: “Aww, you’re such a big boy.”
How many drinks you had: three wine coolers, two PBRs, or a couple shots of Malibu rum before passing out.
You’re upselling. You’re the guy who brags to his buddies about catching a 40-pound marlin on a weekend fishing trip when all you only really caught a baby salmon. You talk a lot of smack about going “hard” with your buddies, but you’re the one that’s always laughed at in the group chat for being the lightweight. You passed out in the club after five drinks and your friends had to pack you into an Uber at 11. But you’ll keep prattling on and puffering yourself to your co-workers, making fun of the nerdy ones in IT who stayed in to play World of Warcraft, oblivious to the fact that everyone makes fun of you just the same as them. The difference is they own it.
How many drinks you had: five to six, max, but you claim to have had at least ten.
Like “hammered” guy, you’re way too boastful about how much alcohol you consumed. However, you have the record at least to back it up. Yeah, you were out last night, and yeah you drank a respectable amount, but you made a fool of yourself. If you didn’t get into one fight when you were out, you did it wrong, in your eyes. You’ve been thrown out of more bars than you can count, and you consider all such events to be thoroughly unjust. You’re just as guilty as upselling and being a lightweight, but you can make it past that five or six beer plateau before going off the rails. And, unfortunately, that often means you leave a wake of destruction behind you. Make sure to Venmo your friend who posts your bail.
How many drinks you had: six to nine.
“Schwasted”/”White girl wasted”
“Schwasted” is used by college bros and frat dudes who think that doing shots of Burnett’s and throwing up at midnight makes them cool. “White girl wasted” is used by their sorority counterparts, who drank some Boones Farm or boxed wine to feel all classy as they trip over themselves in their high heels later that night. Their boyfriends or other self-proclaimed funny frat guys might also appropriate this term in a sarcastic manner. All in all, the users rarely get into any serious problems, but they still hang with the big kids because their youthful livers run at peak strength. Outside of college, these terms are used sparingly, and always with a healthy coat of irony.
How many drinks you had: six to twelve.
You were born in the 1970s or earlier, and you’re doing everything possible to seem like you’re still cool and with it. Probably you were out wearing Ed Hardy shirts and a fedora. None of this peacocking can cover up the fact that you were trying to hit on girls half your age. You’re the 23-year-old at a high school party. Be less of a creep.
How many drinks you had: four to seven.
When you watch The League, you don’t understand why everyone makes fun of Andre. So when you regale your co-workers with your tales on Monday morning, they roll their eyes as soon as you turn your back. They know that when you say you “macked with this total ten,” it means you actually tried to grind on a girl, got shut down immediately, and tried to assuage your ego by talking about how all pretty girls just like assholes.
How many drinks you had: according to you, like eight to ten, in reality, five max.
This ain’t your first rodeo, and you’re not going to apologize for the amount you drank. On more than one occasion, a family member or close friend has suggested you get help. The only help you need is help for your liver to stop being a bitch when you take another shot of Jager/tequila. You may not be a belligerent drunk, but you’ve definitely woken up in a dumpster a time or two.
How many drinks you had: eight minimum.
You had a good fucking night. You went out, you had your fun, and there were no bad, lasting consequences. Maybe you wake up tomorrow with a wicked headache, maybe you lost your keys or wallet on one occasion, and maybe you spend the odd night in the drunk tank. Regardless, you made memories last night. I just hope your social media was all set to private.
How many drinks you had: at least three beyond your typical tolerance.
You blacked out. It’s really no surprise if you actually referred to last night as “getting blackout,” but these other phrases can be taken as synonymous. You drank, got drunk, and then proceeded to drink some more. I don’t pity how you must feel this morning, or what lasting effects there may still be from last night. Because, unfortunately, it’s entirely possible that you lost your valuables, threw up somewhere not easily cleaned, or slept with someone questionable without protection. There’s a reason I warn against doing this more than four times a year once you hit your mid-20s.
How many drinks you had: You’re asking me? Christ, I don’t know man. A lot.
You got fucked up.
How many drinks you had: all of them. All of the drinks.
You’re still drunk.
How many drinks you had: efshgarrrrrrrrrrd. .