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Before I start, I need to give credit where credit is due: Crick Watson, congrats on matching and for another great season of A Dude’s Breakdown of The Bachelor. Reading that column is always the highlight of my Tuesdays. Well done.
I also have to start with a disclaimer: I’ve never watched every episode of a season of “The Bachelor/Bachelorette” before. I would do my best to watch everything, but stuff always came up: traveling for work, coaching track meets, running races, mid-week Tinder dates, going to bed at 7:30. But now that I have a
fucking taskmaster who hits me with her purse in the parking lot of Kohl’s when I threatened to not watch if Will didn’t email me back committed relationship where I’m voluntold to watch “The Bachelor” every Monday at 8, it was my duty to watch and to actually appreciate what was happening. So every Monday night at 7:30, I would pour myself a pitcher glass of Carlo Rossi Sweet Red, cozy up under my trusty Patriots blanket, dominate the shit out of Jeopardy and then anticipate how grotesque Ben’s unshaven “beard” and unkempt hair were. And I’m not gonna lie: I loved it.
The series started with some pretty interesting characters. Horseheads, twins (honestly, I couldn’t tell the difference between Haley and Emily for the life of me), and women already being fucking psychos from the start dominated that first episode. The cattiness of that first cocktail party threw my girlfriend into a tizzy rivaling Jim Mora when someone brings up the playoffs.
“I can’t believe they’re already saying this stuff about each other.”
“OMG her dress is so pretty. And look at all that Kendra Scott jewelry. Ugh, so jealous.”
“Calling it now: Caila and Lauren B. Mark my words.”
Honestly, it was a pretty terrific start. Lace established herself as the early bat-shit crazy psycho bitch, and everybody reacted appropriately. My girlfriend (should I just start calling her “The Protagonist” from now on?) and I agreed that Lace was an absolute shit show, but instead of wanting her to not get a rose from Ben “My Mom Still Picks Out My Swim Trunks” Higgins, The Protagonist wanted her to stay on just to add some spice to the show. I don’t know if I’m the only one in this camp, but even though this dude is trying to find his wife on a reality TV show that takes place over 7 weeks, I honestly wanted him to pick an actual good chick. It was honestly a wedge in our relationship. For those three or four Mondays that Lace was still in the show, I was so aggressively against her while The Protagonist was so for her; it was a little difficult to watch together.
Me – “Ugh Lace, you suck so much. Like can you try to act like a normal human being?”
Her – “Lol, I love it. That’s exactly what I would like on this show. Oh my god, I would be such a bitch and just drink all the booze. Wine for daaaayyyzzz.”
But then, fortunately for our relationship, Lace was kicked off, and we went on our merry way. We were happy together for an episode. We drank lots of wine, enjoyed each other’s matching opinions of the show and the front runners (Amanda, Caila, and Lauren B), and agreed that the locations for this season were shit. But then, the gods decided to shit on these women again and turn a rather normal-acting Olivia into her alter ego, O-Face. Again, The Protagonist and I were split more than Michael Strahan’s front two teeth: I wanted Olivia to get the fuck out, but she was content to see how this Psycho Bitch II played out. (Honestly, I think that The Protagonist actually does see herself in some of these women, which scares me to death.)
But just as Olivia was making teen mom comments to Amanda (honestly, she was my personal favorite, although I’m not gonna lie: I couldn’t deal with two kids, but I still give Ben props), Ben decided to throw the show (and my relationship) for a loop: a two-on-one date with Emily (? honestly, it could be Haley) and Olivia. This was going to be a deciding point in our relationship. But fortunately for me (and all you readers), Ben chose Emily and left Olivia out on that island to die. While my relationship was saved, something else started up: the tears.
So I’m not gonna lie: the scene where Olivia gets sent home was kind of sad: Olivia was so convinced that she was surviving to live another week that she was so heartbroken when she was sent home. I was a little sad for her, so I drank an extra glass of Carlo in her honor. And then I turned to my left and saw The Protagonist sitting there with red eyes and tears dripping down her cheeks.
“She just never saw this coming. She looks so sad. I just can’t even imagine. Try putting yourself in her shoes, Josh. You can’t. You just can’t.”
Okay, so she’s a little sad that this woman got heartbroken: I can get it. We eventually moved on to the final four, consisting of three contenders and a girl with an overrated rack. I know I’m gonna get a lot of shit for this, but I was not as impressed as the majority of the PGP community with the two reasons JoJo is going to be the next Bachelorette. The hometowns came, and everybody could see the writing on the wall that Amanda was going to get the boot. As much as The Protagonist and I hated it, we knew it was coming. Even still, we yelled at the TV when Ben gave the rose to JoJo instead of Amanda. I was honestly a little close to tears when Amanda acted so classy when she was sent home (Amanda, if you’re reading this, I’m single and ready to have kids). Of course, The Protagonist cried but I could get these tears.
“But she’s got those two kids. They MET Ben. Ugh, I just can’t believe it. I thought she had a shot. I understand, but uuuuggggghhhhh, Ben. I love her. Mama needs more wine.”
(Author’s note: “Mama needs more wine” is a much too common quote uttered in my presence.) We were down to three, and by the previews, we knew Ben didn’t love one of them. When we saw that Caila did not get one of the two coveted “I love yous,” we knew she was out. Honestly, though, at this point, all of our eggs were in the “IDK, anything but
Trump JoJo” basket, and we knew that Lauren B was going to be the best bet. We knew that Caila was not going to get the rose, but we didn’t see the way that it was coming. Again, this was a girl that had zero idea that she was getting the boot, and it just crushed her when she was sent home.
“Oh honey, just get in the car. This isn’t gonna help. Oh, honey honey honey. Just get back in the limo and go home. You’ve got so much potential. Josh, you can’t just sit there. Do something!”
She told me to do something, so I decided to pour myself another glass since the rest of the episode was now moot, and I had to prepare for the inevitable showdown that was going to happen two weeks later. And the Protagonist was doing nothing to help my fears.
“Oh my god, if he doesn’t pick Lauren B, I’m gonna finish that jug of wine.”
“My mom says he’s gonna pick JoJo, and she’s always right about these things.”
“I’m probably more stressed than you were before the Patriots’ Super Bowl.”
The two weeks of waiting in between Caila getting kicked off and the Final Rose was almost as stressful as the two weeks between the AFC Championship and the second most exciting Super Bowl of all time (Super Bowl 49 for the common folk). I was honestly a little stressed that Ben might choose the boobs over the entire package. I even had a dream where I was the Bachelor and was forced to pick between Lauren B and The Protagonist for the Final Rose (author’s note: I woke up before the dream was over, so it looks like I’ll never know).
Needless to say, I was stressed, and the episode did nothing to ease my stress. The Protagonist (also #TeamLaurenB) was pulling a Cris Collinsworth and trying to jinx the finale.
“He and JoJo are having problems. He just can’t pick her.”
“My mom said he’s gonna pick JoJo, and she’s always wrong about these things.”
“They’re just making it look like he’s not going to pick Lauren B so that it’ll be a surprise when he does.”
“Josh, what’s your opinion of JoJo’s boobs? No really, like an honest opinion.”
So, needless to say, when we saw the pink dress coming out of the helicopter first, we cheered. We had been heavily drinking during this episode (it was a fucking miserable day at work), so we were ready to party when we knew that Lauren B was a lock. We saw JoJo spilling her heart out and then Ben not reciprocate. And to my surprise, no tears came out (of either of us) during this scene. JoJo got in the limo (or helicopter? I really don’t remember. I was in post-Malcolm Butler interception bliss), and then we saw Lauren B get out of hers. And then the waterworks happened.
I don’t even know if she was able to watch any of the proposal: she was BAWLING (see picture below – those wet spots on my sleeve are her tears). I don’t know if I’ve ever seen her cry this hard.
“Oh my god, they are sooooo meant to be.”
“What a beautiful proposal, although he kind of ruined it with that god-awful ring.”
“Do you think Todd is going to propose soon? Or Will, for that matter?”
“These two are definitely going to work out. They have to. For all of our sakes. It’s just destiny.”
“Josh, when will this happen for me?”
I’m honestly still debating whether or not that last quote was serious or not, but regardless, I was not prepared for the crying. Even through the entire “After the Rose” episode, her eyes were still puffy and red. Almost a week later, she’s still telling me what a beautiful love Ben and Lauren B have. But all in all, it was a great season. Crick, I will forever be in your debt for giving me a reason to watch this. I now actually enjoy the series and how ridiculous it is, but I gotta say: I’m fucking screwed if I ever have to pop the question. There’s no way in hell that it’ll live up to her Bachelor-esque expectation..
Image via YouTube