What It Would Look Like If Real-Life Dating Was Like Bumble

What It Would Look Like If Real-Life Dating Was Like Bumble

In a world where Bumble is the new big thing and more women are becoming comfortable with initiating the conversation with a guy (especially after a couple of drinks), there is an interesting dynamic shift in the Animal Planet-esque mating rituals of the homosapien male and female. This shift is relatively unprecedented, but not overall extreme. But what if we went so far that the gender roles completely flipped, and women took on the traditional role of the male in these situations and vice versa? I would imagine that that world would look something like the scene below:

Amanda took a quick glance at herself before heading out on the town. As long as her hair wasn’t messed up and her casual outfit, composed of a women’s polo shirt and mom shorts, looked passable she wasn’t too worried. The plan was to pre-game with the girls then go out and pick up some guys. Pretty typical Saturday night, really. It was a numbers game. Sometimes you get lucky and sometimes you don’t.

Amanda, Jessica, and Ashley strolled into their regular spot at The Roadhouse and eyed a few soft sixes at the bar. Good enough. Amanda, after a few cosmos, led the way and sat at the bar next to the group of guys who had huddled into a sort of phalanx, using their backs as shields to block out any undesirable predators. Amanda looked over at the guy on the end and said loudly, “You know, you look just like my little cousin. Weird.”

The guy glanced over his shoulder and said, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know, your body language is all closed off like I just told you we can’t go out for ice cream or something.” She smiled. It was a good line. This shouldn’t be hard.

“Oh, sorry,” he replied as he turned his back to her again.

“You’re not hot enough to be this big of a prick,” Amanda drunkenly retorted, suddenly in the death throes of her pickup attempt. The guy got up and stormed off, leaving Amanda standing with her arms spread out saying, “What did I say?! I was just joking!” As the rest of the guys left, probably to track down their friend, they shot Amanda a dirty look. “Whatever bitch,” Amanda shrugged as she turned to her friends to determine the next course of action.

Jess led the group to the next set, several guys that had taken up a booth right in the middle of the bar. The girls had determined that any guy who looked like he had put an hour and a half or more into his appearance was probably looking to go home with somebody, and these guys fit the bill. All three guys had impeccable hair, well put-together outfits to accentuate their better features, and either well-groomed facial hair or clean shaven faces. They were certainly dressed to draw attention.

Jess walked up to one of the guys and said, “You know, I really like how that outfit looks on you, but the shoes don’t really match. You should have gone with a nicer color.”

“Really? That’s kind of a rude thing to say.”

“I’m not trying to be a bitch, I just think someone as attractive as you has a sworn duty to dress to perfection,” she replied, without missing a beat. There was a short pause. ‘C’mon, take the bait. Bite it. BITE IT,’ she thought as he gave her a funny look. He laughed. “Well thank you for the compliment. What’s your name?” Boom, she was in. “I’m Jess, and these are my friends Amanda and Ashley. Who are these guys?” Jess eased everyone in with some small talk, and soon each of the girls was matched up with a potential hook up for the evening. Easy.

Ashley was deep in a conversation with her guy, half listening as per usual. “What do you do for a living?” she asked, trying to get him to start talking about himself.

“Well I’m in finance and I work for Morgan Stanley. I really like my job, but my boss is kind of a jerk.”

“Oh yeah?” Ashley replied, trying to appear interested enough to stay in his good graces.

“Yeah. I mean, I’m good at my job and everything but it can be stressful at times.”

“I bet.”

“I was at the top of my class, though, so I always have other opportunities if they arise.”

“Oh cool,” Ashley replied, taking a sip of her sex on the beach cocktail.

After another ten minutes of hearing the guy’s life story, weary of nodding and terse replies, Ashley looked at her friends and said, “Well, my friends and I were planning on going to another bar closer to home after this. You are welcome to join if you want.”

“I don’t know…let me see what my friends want to do.” Ashley groaned on the inside. Typical men. She suddenly tried to lean in and kiss him and he turned away.

“Sorry, I just got out of a long relationship,” he lightly protested. “Also, I’m not that kind of guy.” Ashley, clearly insulted, gathered herself and said, “Well maybe I can get your number? If you insist on being wined and dined first.” He reluctantly gave her his number and then said that he had an early morning the next day and grabbed his friends. No one got laid that night.

Maybe our heroines will be luckier next time.

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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