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I’ve been working at the same place for just shy of three years. In that time, I’ve learned a whole lot, but between budget issues and the fact that I’ve fished the pond clean, it’s time for a change. And by change I mean new job. I like where I work, so it isn’t completely pressing to leave after the first offer. It’s nice to see where you are, and we all know that jumping jobs is really the only way to get a raise.
To get a new job, you’ve gotta do the interview process. I’ve been a finalist a few times and done around seven or so interviews to the point where my responses are essentially automatic. Hell, I even live-tweeted an interview once because content never sleeps.
Job interview includes a typing test. About to walk out. I was born in the last 30 years, I can type just fine.
— MadoffInvestment (@BLMInvestment) June 3, 2016
Like the SAT/ACT/LSAT/GRE or whatever other standardized bullshit our society makes us jump hoops through, the interview process is a “necessary evil.” Some people look great on paper but are a total dingus if you meet them in person.
The one thing that never gets old is fielding the same damn questions over and over again. Some of them are even pretty hilarious. For example, “Do you know how to use Microsoft Office?” Every time I get asked this question, my blood pressure spikes but I internally hold down the fort. I’ve kept a running list of them and for your enjoyment. Although not verbatim, you can get a sense as I’m sure many of you have been asked the same stupid shit yourselves.
Question 1: Where did you find out about this opportunity?
What I wanted to say: Oh you know, the only place where you can find this, ON YOUR HR SITE.
What I did say: Johnny Dicknballs (someone I vaguely know in their department) told me about how great an opportunity it would be to work here so I just HAD to.
Question 2: Do you know how to use Microsoft Office? Are you familiar with Excel/emailing/whatever other technological thing we’ve been bred to do since gradeschool?
What I wanted to say: Ma’am, I was born in the last 30 years. I’ve been working on Microsoft office since DOS and Windows 95. Every year since first grade, I’ve taken some form of computer or typing/word processing class. I am also not an idiot and can Google and figure it out if I don’t know it.
What I did say: Of course! I use it regularly with success. I have a strong background in Microsoft Office.
Question 3: Why do you want to work here?
What I wanted to say:
What I did say: This job has a lot of opportunity for growth and I greatly respect what you and your colleagues are doing.
Question 4: What makes you the best candidate?
What I wanted to say: I have no idea. Bill Gates could have applied. For starters, I am not an idiot. I graduated college in the past five years, so unlike many of the other people that work here, I am technologically savvy. Not enough? I regularly make food for everyone at work on a gourmet level, I am punctual, I am an expert at Googling so my problems won’t become yours and my work motto is “figure it the fuck out”.
What I did say: I am a team player, I am highly coachable, I work well independently as well as part of a team, I am highly skilled in all forms of Office as well as most statistical/survey programs.
Question 4: Tell me a time about someone you work with that was difficult.
What I wanted to say: How much time do you have? Fortunately, Rob is gone now. Not enough torment? Homegirl Lauren has you covered.
What I did say: I have only had a few minor issues, mostly relating to disrespect. In the end, we worked out our differences, found common ground and got the job done (and I totally didn’t write about them anonymously on the internet).
Question 5: Finally, what is your greatest strength and weakness?
What I wanted to say: Greatest strength, greatest strength…hmmmm. I am punctual. If you give me a task I will figure it out because I am competent. Greatest weakness? I have a low tolerance for bullshit and will likely troll you without you knowing.
What I did say: I don’t know a stranger. I make connections easily and maintain relationships well. Greatest weakness? I take too much on my plate. People know I get things done and will often ask me to help (this is great for this question by the way. You are all welcome to use it if you don’t already).
There are certainly other questions, but these are the ones that stood out to me. Got a few questions you’d like to share what you’d do? I’d love to hear about it so share it below or hit me up on Twitter..
Respond
Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
What happened to our dreams of prestige worldwide (wide) (wide) (wide)?
Just biding time man
“Before we get started, let’s just get this out of the way. At the end of this interview, you’ll tell me I’ll hear something by the end of next week or so. You and I both know that’s a lie. So can you tell me when you’ll really be calling me, if ever, so I don’t spend the next four weeks stressing?”
I really, really hate the strengths and weaknesses questions. Interviewees generally acknowledge that they bullshit something that sounds good and I’m sure interviewers completely tune you out as they’re planning their next question to ask. The best interviews are where you can basically sit and have a conversation.
Seriously-for the love of God-quit feeding me bullshit in the interview. I know it’s bullshit. You know it’s bullshit. Favorite interview questions-what song would play on when you walked in on your first day if you were hired and what is your spirit animal. I get great answers. One recent hire responded House of Pain-Jump Around as his song. That led to a sing a long in the interview. We hired him-one of my best hiring decisions.
My favorite offbeat question is “Why shouldn’t I hire you?” I’ve avoided a lot of really bad hires with that one.
That’s a good one!!!
Because when I’m done with my work, or the system is really slow, or I’m just bored I spend a lot of time on this website PGP…So am I hired?
Definitely stealing that question for my next interview. Awesome.
Sorry for the awful grammar-long day.
One guy asked me what my favorite Disney movie was and with no hesitation I went with “The Lion King.” Then the dude told me once a girl went “I hate Disney movies” and they ended the interview.
A friend of mine was once asked the weakness question and blanked, so he answered “I… Uhh… Don’t have any?”
Got the job.
I once had an interviewer ask me “if you were a type of sandwich, what type would you be?” Apparently “pulled pork” wasn’t the right answer since I didn’t get the job.
Did you wink at him after you said “pulled pork”? That might have been the right way to go.
A lot of online apps I’ve been filling out have asked “if you had theme music every time you entered a room what would it be?” and I quickly found out “Sexy and I Know It” was a bad choice.
I can never get an interview from those HR sites.
I pulled the “sell me this pen” move from Wolf of Wall Street in a job one time. I received an offer the next day.
Honestly, with the number of boring interviews I’ve had to do, if you answered these the real way, that would be a refreshing change. I’d hire you AND invite you to happy hour
I always like the “why do you want to work here?” It’s like “well, to be honest I don’t want to work here at all but don’t be offended, I don’t want to work anywhere. In fact, I would much rather spend time doing things I actually enjoy with people I don’t have to pretend to like for 10 hours a day. I just need that thing that comes every other week to pay for all the bullshit that I was told as a kid would be the pathway to success. You and I both know you’re gonna present an offer below the market value for this area but at least you’ll spruce it up and deliver it with a determined smile. I’ll then ask what anti depressant you take and then you’ll studder and immediately end this interview as soon as I shut the fuck up.”