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Welcome to Knox’s School Of Wild Conclusions Based On Shitty Evidence. Grab a beer and take a seat. Our topic today is how to determine everything you need to know about a girl based on what drink she orders at the bar. Everything presented in this column is completely factual, and in no way total bullshit. Enjoy.
1. Gin And Tonic
She’s grown up a little bit, and she’s graduated to more refined drinks than what she used to drink in college. She’s a regular drinker (people who order gin always are) and while she likes a hint of citrus in her beverage, she doesn’t go overboard with it. She’s a professional, career-oriented woman who won’t take any shit from anyone.
2. Vodka Red Bull
Total party girl. She gets fucked up with her girlfriends and yells at bartenders for not serving them immediately. She’s not always annoying, though. She enjoys a good time, and she doesn’t discriminate against those who enjoy getting heavily liquored up as a hobby. Plus, she’s an old pro at the whole one-night stand thing, which means you don’t have to give her subtle hints to leave in the morning or call her a cab. The downside of this is that you’re tossing your hot dog into a bun that’s held all kinds of meats before you. Take that how you will.
3. Beer
Depends on who’s paying for it. If she is, she might just be too poor to afford liquor. That’s cool, no judgment here. However, if you’re buying, then she’s definitely trying to prove a point, which is “I’m low maintenance, I swear.” She’ll tell you all about her favorite sports teams, action movies, and rap albums, and that’s great if she’s really into all that. If she’s putting it on as an affectation, it’s going to get really old, really fast. Yeah, we get it. Chicks can dig porn as much as dudes, but you don’t have to talk loudly about it in this nice restaurant I brought you to.
4. Tequila Shots
“Woooooooooo!”
“Hey, do you wanna–”
“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
That’s all.
5. Vodka Cranberry
She’s kind of a booze lightweight. In fact, she’d probably just rather not drink at all, but she has peer pressuring friends who are always trying to get her drunk. Cranberry is the strongest flavor out there, so at least it covers up the taste of most of the vodka. If she sips it through a straw, she can usually manage to keep it all down without making a face. You can go try to hit on her if you want, but she already has a subservient boyfriend back at the apartment, waiting on his orders. Just make sure she’s not in the area when you talk to her friends, because she is most certainly the den mother and hookup buzzkill.
Dream crusher.
6. Bourbon On The Rocks
She is similar to the beer girl, and she wants to prove that she doesn’t give a fuck if James Brown thinks it’s a man’s world. The bourbon girl is a little more refined, though. She’s really thought this whole “I wanna be the cool girl” thing through, and that’s not a bad thing. Most girls turn up their noses at the taste of straight whiskey, so at least she’s committed. Like all the rest of us bourbon drinkers out there, once she got the taste for it, nothing else was quite as good. She drank the honey brown Kool-Aid, and now she’s one of you.
Also, she can probably kick your ass.
7. Water
She’s either the designated driver for her group of friends or she’s in sobriety. In either case, it means that she’s a responsible person, either by keeping her friends safe or acknowledging that she has a problem. In both cases, that probably makes her the most enjoyable person in the bar, if not the most likely to hop in an Uber back to your place after yelling at each other over the music for an hour about how much you both love Beyoncé. Take her number and ask her out later. Worst case scenario, she falls off the wagon and forgets about you.
Respond
When a girl orders a round of tequila shots:
Vodka cran girl is the worst
No, no, I think you got that last one wrong. Sober people: certified not enjoyable.
“Son, never trust a man who doesn’t drink because he’s probably a self-righteous sort, a man who thinks he knows right from wrong all the time. Some of them are good men, but in the name of goodness, they cause most of the suffering in the world. They’re the judges, the meddlers. And, son, never trust a man who drinks but refuses to get drunk. They’re usually afraid of something deep down inside, either that they’re a coward or a fool or mean and violent. You can’t trust a man who’s afraid of himself. But sometimes, son, you can trust a man who occasionally kneels before a toilet. The chances are that he is learning something about humility and his natural human foolishness, about how to survive himself. It’s damned hard for a man to take himself too seriously when he’s heaving his guts into a dirty toilet bowl”
We need one of these for dudes. Although purely from the fact that I’ve mixed tequila and redbull gives me a pretty good idea of where I sit. Gotta find me a nice successful party girl apparently.
I was able to enjoy the article because you established this list list did not have any merit from the very beginning. Fuck it, let’s see how many views you’ll get; I’m rooting for you.
What about the vodka club girl?
I’m interested in this one too. I would put a vodka water girl in the same category too.
Wait for the Ole Miss brunette. She’s vodka water girl. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3qYPGeoA7w
Accurate.
My woman: orders arrogant bastard, waiter asks “are you sure?” with reproachful look, woman looks at this punk bitch and says “yes, I know what hops are and I love good beer”, I silently thank the gods that I found such an awesome lady
Your perfect woman is a beer snob?
yeah, because I am one as well. She is also an athlete and prefers her meat rare, which are basically two of the best things ever. Gonna catch heat for this but ok, I’d much rather drink two mugs of arrogant bastard or any other actual good and flavorful beer and catch a buzz than drink ten coors lights and feel bloated and piss ten times for that same buzz
Arrogant Bastard is a plebeian microbrew.
I mention that one because people tend to know what the hell it is. I could reference one of the beers from the brewery in my town that I frequent, but it wouldn’t help then would it
Welp, now we all know you’re the kind of dickhole who is attracted to people who shits upon those she considers inferior and practices a number of stupid, pretentious habits. This was quite the learning experience.
There’s a special place in hell for the American male who refuses to drink Bud or a classic Coors Banquet. You want a stronger dose of alcohol? Buy some goddamned Platinums and shut the hell up.
Platty to the Bladdy for life. USA! USA!