I actually do have a girlfriend, and I am not writing this as some cranky, forever-alone hater who is just mad that he can’t find anyone. I have declared myself the expert on this topic and I hope you understand that as a man in a serious relationship, my opinion is automatically more valid than that of some miserable single hipster that probably lives in Seattle.
I had to go find someone in my office from another department and ask them to make some changes in their procedures. After about 15 minutes of looking (I’ve been here a year and still get lost), I finally located the person and knocked on her door. As soon as I said, “good morning,” she rolled her eyes and slammed her left hand down on her desk, making sure I could see her ring.
Let’s break this down, lady. First, I said “good morning” because I have to. Second, I’m not here to be friendly and definitely not to flirt. I’m here to let you know that my group is sick and tired of you screwing up the same thing every single month. Third, please stop flattering yourself. Fourth, piss off. Fifth, like I already said, you really suck at the extremely simple task you’re asked to do once a month. Sixth, that’s the ring? I could’ve bought a better ring in high school. Seventh, again, you really suck at your job.
We get it, you’re in a relationship. You know what you don’t get? We don’t care. We don’t care at all. We don’t care how he proposed because you’ve already told us 47 times. We don’t care about that special thing your girlfriend does because you tell us every Monday and we are pretty sure all of our girlfriends would make us lunch too if we asked. It’s not that special that you live with your girlfriend and her three psycho roommates every night of the week. Why are you paying four-figures worth of rent if you’re just going to live out of a duffel bag and stay with your girlfriend every night? Not like you’re getting any anyway.
Don’t even get me started on the couple that wants everyone to know they are engaged. I saw a girl on Facebook the other day that completely outdid it for me. Beyond the cheesy Facebook paragraph (book) that couples write to announce their engagement, beyond the 80+ ridiculous engagement photos, beyond the save-the-dates and all the other jazz, this girl was promoting her wedding website on Facebook. I don’t mean that she was just posting the link. This girl had actually paid Facebook top dollar to promote the website she had created specifically for her wedding at the top of my news feed. That’s next level.
I’m not just talking about social media, though. Sometimes I tweet about all the cute/funny shit my girlfriend says and I mention her from time to time in my columns. I’m talking about the people that are just miserable humans to be around when they are in a relationship. I’m talking about the guy that name drops his girlfriend into every conversation. I’m talking about the girl who says “my fiancé” every other word. I’m talking about the couple that never leaves the house unless they are together. I’m talking about the guy that talks about his girlfriend’s bowel movements (yes, this really happened) when he’s at the bar watching the game with his friends. I’m talking about the girl who puts every wedding detail online as she plans. I’m talking about the guy who only writes about his girlfriend having a crush on other guys that aren’t him.
So next time you want to shove your relationship down someone’s throat, just remember — we really don’t care. .
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